If you attended a Wheat Ridge High School sporting event anytime between the early 90's and mid 2000's, you probably saw a thin haired, chubby man walking around with a cape and walking stick. Nobody quite knew who this man was or why he showed up in this attire but we all knew we would see this mysterious man in the stands at virtually every sporting event that the Farmers had. For the rare instances that I sat on the bench and had time to think (because I'm awesome at every sport) I wondered to myself, "how did he get to that point in his life?" Did he start with a tee shirt and jeans, then took it up a notch with a small cane and a poncho, slowly tinkering with his look until one day he said "fuck it" and went with the full on cape and huge walking stick? No matter how many bad acid trips or lack of human friends this man had, I came to appreciate his dedication to his appearance knowing full well that he would be mocked by students and parents alike.
When I'm sitting on my own bench today, aka my couch, and watch players like Michael Morse, Mike Aviles, and Odubel Herrera take their stance in the box, I often wonder the same thing; how did it come to that? How does one get to a point where their batting stance is so outlandish and yet still allows them to hit a baseball? Is it trial and error? Were they fucking around during batting practice and something clicked? Why does it look like that? Much like the Wizard of Wheat Ridge, I have a great appreciation for those in baseball that create something weird and fantastic with the knowledge that everyone around them thinks they're batshit crazy. Let us honor the 10 goofiest stances I can think of and try not to pull a muscle when we imitate them on the tenniball field this summer.
10. Gary Sheffield
When I'm sitting on my own bench today, aka my couch, and watch players like Michael Morse, Mike Aviles, and Odubel Herrera take their stance in the box, I often wonder the same thing; how did it come to that? How does one get to a point where their batting stance is so outlandish and yet still allows them to hit a baseball? Is it trial and error? Were they fucking around during batting practice and something clicked? Why does it look like that? Much like the Wizard of Wheat Ridge, I have a great appreciation for those in baseball that create something weird and fantastic with the knowledge that everyone around them thinks they're batshit crazy. Let us honor the 10 goofiest stances I can think of and try not to pull a muscle when we imitate them on the tenniball field this summer.
10. Gary Sheffield
I'm thinking a young Gary was standing in the batter's box peacefully one summer day when suddenly a giant wasp came buzzing by right as the pitcher started his windup. A panicked young Gary tried to swat this wasp a few times with his bat and get back into hitting position right before the pitcher released the ball. On pure instincts, young Gary saw an inside fastball right in his happy zone and young Gary ignored the wasp for a second and then laced a standup double down the left field line. From there, young Gary settled on this stance that would make him a multimilionaire. Sheffield had the quickest set of hands I've ever seen and if I was playing third base and Sheffield came up, I would probably ask the manager if I could shift to the warning track.
9. Jeff Bagwell
9. Jeff Bagwell
Chris Berman liked to call this man Jeff "Brown Paper" Bagwell and I think that's because he looks like he was squatting down to take a shit into a brown paper bag so he could take that bag to old man Clemens' doorstep and then sets it on fire. Oh my god, old man Clemens hates shit. I have no idea how this stance turned into 449 career home runs and I also have no idea how his groin stayed intact throughout his career.
8. Julio Franco
8. Julio Franco
If you're wondering how Julio Franco stayed so limber late into his playing career, it's because he was doing yoga and pilates every time he went up to bat. Franco is still a national treasure as he's playing semi-pro baseball somewhere right now and is probably older (and definitely better) than every single person in your slow pitch league. Franco has played the game of baseball for so long because he loves the game or hates his family, but either way, we've enjoyed many years of watching this guy twist himself into a pretzel every time he went up to bat.
7. Phil Plantier
7. Phil Plantier
This guy was the Padres hitting coach for three years, which is like Bill Cartwright being a free throw shooting coach for the Bulls. Why would anyone want to receive advice from a man that hits like this? Plantier's stance grew increasingly more upright and normal as his career went along but we'll always have memories of a young, spry Phil Plantier contorting his body in order to have a 2 inch strike zone when the pitcher stared him down.
6. Eric Davis
6. Eric Davis
I always thought Eric Davis would one day fall asleep in the batters box. He would lull the pitcher to sleep and then pounce on that pitch and send it screaming into the left-center field gap. Davis has some of the quickest twitch muscles in the game's history and was a pretty underrated player overall. What definitely wasn't overrated were the 90's wristbands that had the player's cartoon face on them. Miss those so much.
5. Mickey Tettleton
5. Mickey Tettleton
Tettleton also had a very calm stance in the box but would spring up like a puma at just the right time. Tettleton's stance was insanely fun to imitate during a wiffle ball game as pretty much all of your buddies gave it a try in their backyard. Tettleton also had a fun swing to try to imitate in R.B.I. baseball if you just barely tapped the B button.
4. Cal Ripken
Ripken was the gift that kept on giving as you could turn the Orioles game on any given night and see him try a new stance. You would think Ripken's illustrious career would've made him a supremely confident hitter but his batting brain was as fickle as could be because as soon as he would fall into an 0-6 funk Cal would immediately scrap his stance for another one. Whatever he did generally worked and Cal provided us fans with the best streak of all time and countless innings of joy on the wiffle ball field making fun of his collection of quirky stances. The Violin is my personal favorite.
3. Kevin Youkilis
3. Kevin Youkilis
This man was hated by many Yankees fans but there was nothing but love for Youk's funky stance that made no sense. I suppose if you want to relax your hands before the ball would come in, one way to do that would be to almost completely remove your top hand from the bat while you gently try to stroke the Louisville Slugger stamp like Big Kev does here. He incorporated a butt wiggle and spastic squating that really made this stance special and he somehow was able to turn that bat head around from pointing directly at the pitcher to making contact with the ball far more than he should have.
2. Craig Counsell
2. Craig Counsell
Counsell was a scrappy little guy who probably played five years longer than a man of his stature should have but I'm grateful that he stuck around so long or else we might not have seen this stance. Counsell was never much of a hitter but he forced us to watch his at bats late in his career because they were so damn awkward. They say that if you are confronted by a bear you should try to extend your arms and make yourself look bigger than you are and maybe lil' Craig thought he would intimidate the pitcher when he stuck the bat as far to the sky as he could before squatting down to hit a nubber back to the mound. Counsell might be best remembered for scoring the winning run in game 7 of the 1997 World Series but he should also be recognized as winning over our hearts with his nonsensical batting stance.
1. Tony Bautista
1. Tony Bautista
Here is the epitome of a player that had too much spare time during practice. How does one come up with this entire routine? If Ikea came out with an instruction manual on how to assemble this stance it would be 19 pages long and we would all give up on trying to put it together after a couple of hours. This is yet another hall of fame stance to immitate on the wiffle or tenniball field and even though Tony Bautista played for many teams in many leagues, his stance made him well recognized no matter what jersey he was wearing.
Bonus stance: Some weird kid from Coastal Carolina
Bonus stance: Some weird kid from Coastal Carolina