All fourteen of us will be spending many hours managing our teams throughout the next four months but it's the 2 1/2 hours on draft night that can make or break a season. Even though there were less owners in the room as hoped and more old man complaints than ever before, draft night is still one of the best nights of the year, at least for me. Now that the seeds have been planted for each Dirty Dozen team, let's get one man's opinion on whether your team will be as solid as an oak or one that will be universally mocked like the tree Charlie Brown picked out. The draft grade recap has been and still is the most words you will read on this site so grab a Labor Day drink, settle in, and find out what grades the D12 commissioner/professor handed out this year.
Beast Mode
As soon as Chris plugged himself into the #1 draft spot, every owner wondered who he would be taking. Sources close to the owner reported that he was leaning heavily to picking a running back but nobody had a strong sense of who would be the man to put on the Marvel hat and hold up the jersey as our #1 draft pick. Not that LeSean McCoy needed any more ammo for his ego already but he'll definitely brag to whoever can hear him that he was the first overall selection in the 2014 Dirty Dozen Draft. McCoy is a stud without a question and will either give Chris plenty to brag about or be the next first rounder that sits on the IR all season for Marvel. The rest of Chris's draft was pretty good as he took arguably the best player in the draft and then filled other positions with supreme talent. Chris is aware of the hot/cold nature of Stafford and if he plans on cutting down on his turnovers, he's a nice value at round four. Chris also took major advantage of our league's apprehension of drafting a TE super early as he was able to grab Jimmy Graham and the total points that will rival the top receivers once the season ends. Seriously, look at his numbers and bounce them against the wide receiver numbers and then punch yourself for not drafting Graham. I like Chris's pick of Antonio Brown and am on board with Riley Cooper as a late rounder but I'm skeptical that Roddy White can make it through an entire season and I don't think I've seen one drop of sweat on his head during the entire taping of Hard Knocks so far. It's definitely going to be interesting to see how this team's bench factors into it all because they all have serious boom/bust potential. Ray Rice is obviously under the spotlight and will be booed every Sunday that he's not suspended and not in Baltimore but if he's got a chip on his shoulder, he could be somebody that Chris tells everyone, "isn't that bad of a guy". The #1 spot can be tricky but I think Chris did a solid job of wanting the #1 spot and making it work for him.
Best pick: Jimmy Graham
Worst pick: Roddy White
Draft grade: B+
Predicted finish: 2nd place
Mr. Hankey
There were some good and bad suggestions for a new team name for these guys and whatever team name they will be stuck with this year, I don't think they'll have to worry about shouldering an embarrassing team name next year because their roster is strong. Peterson is starting to become the old, boring dude to draft but no matter what his situation is, the guy is usually better at carrying a football than anyone else. I might be a little biased because these bro's seemed to grab the one guy I had highlighted every round but then again, when you look at the recent history of my team and the Pep's team, it doesn't matter who is drafted except that we know he will suck when the season is over. Gio Bernard will make some highlight plays this year and if he can convince the Bengals to give him a couple more carries, specifically inside the 10, he could be a very nice RB2. As much as I appreciate these guys for waiting for a QB and actually drafting Jay Cutler, they probably could've waited a couple of more rounds to grab him. Then again, everyone jumps on QB's so maybe not. The QB position has been infuriating for these guys lately and Cutler will probably have these guys cheersing Buds one half and tossing remotes the next all season long because we all know how good and bad he can look on Sunday. That said, these guys got good value with all of their receivers, which is quite the trio. Jordy Nelson, Crabtree, and Hilton are a nice mix of steady and streaky and I think the Pep's did a nice job of scooping them up at the right time. I know the Pep's have had a rough go of it all throughout our league but there should be reason for optimism this year as these two went out and executed a strong draft and should see better results than the normal Peppel position.
Best pick: Michael Crabtree
Worst Pick: Jay Culter
Draft Grade; B+
Predicted finish: 3rd place
I'm Your Huckelberry
If you want to be a badass team, you'd like to model your team after one of the baddest asses that ever lived in Doc Holiday. Doc was so confident in his abilities that he would take on all challengers with a simple invite of "I'm your huckleberry" and Castillo will be giving you a grin and a wink every Sunday morning when he invites you to challenge him to a fantasy football dual. He's got a couple of deadly bullets in his six shooter but was also slow on the trigger at times on draft night, which might make for an early tombstone come playoff time. The Doc Holliday confidence will be entrusted to Jamaal Charles who was incredible last season and will probably have a couple of 30+ point games for Castillo this year, too. This isn't a perfect team as it will remain to be seen if LeVeon Bell loses goal line carries to Blount and if he does, his value goes down somewhat. It will also be interesting to see how Yo's 5th and 6th round picks of DeSean Jackson and Sammy Watkins fair as they both have gotten a lot of exposure in the preseason but both also have to learn new offenses, which is definitely a hindrance to receivers for their first season. Andrew Luck was probably drafted a round or two too early but again, we've noticed that QB's go a little too early than other leagues come draft day so I'll try not to be too hard on Castillo here. When the dust settles, this is a team that went RB-RB with his first two picks which makes Castillo one of the few owners that had an old school approach to roster building and while it's nice that he has two running backs that should get the ball over 17 times a day I wonder if the rest of this team will allow Castillo to be the last man standing when he decides to play for blood.
Best Pick: Jamaal Charles
Worst Pick: Sammy Watkins
Draft Grade: B-
Predicted Finish: 6th
Denver Donkey Punches
Zach made history last season by having the best draft we've ever seen that resulted in the best fantasy team we've ever witnessed in this league. Zach knows his stuff and has been a top owner for a long time, which made his draft day decisions so goddamn puzzling. I stood side by side with Z for most of the day and I didn't see anyone slip a mickey in his drink but you wouldn't know it with the draft that he had. The friendly mind games started early for the Black Hawk attendees and as we stood together with beers in hand watching the Broncos game, it became increasingly obvious that the Black Hawk Boys would bet hard on the Broncos come draft time. Meyer made his draft intentions pretty obvious that he would grab Peyton with his first pick and the shit talking got really heated up when Zach grabbed PFM one pick before Meyer was up in the first round. Peyton makes everyone around him better, we all know that, but as good as Julius Thomas was last year, he's not a third round selection, no matter what QB is tossing him the pigskin. The reaches didn't end there though, as you could argue that Rashad Jennings, Maclin, and Terrance Williams were taken a round or two early, which might be nitpicking admittedly. There is no argument that Kelvin Benjamin and Matt Prater were taken approximately five rounds early as everyone in the hotel room was trying to comprehend why exactly the hell Zach felt the need to grab those guys as early as he did. There's not too much justice in fantasy football but the fantasy gods finally acted justly when Prater was suspended four games the very next day. I mean we're all Broncos fans but Zach drafted like a chick that doesn't know jack (Zach) shit about football and just wants to cheer for her favorite team. I liked the Golden Tate pick and we should probably give Zach the benefit of the doubt after watching him run a train on all of us last year but I honestly can't make sense of his decisions even though I know he's been a very good fantasy football owner for the 13 years we've drafted. Zach was obviously confused by Dave's and Kevin's new team name, which gave us all a hearty laugh in the war room and I'm afraid we'll be laughing at Zach's team all season based on his dazed and confused selections. Everything is certainly not all right, all right, all right.
Best Pick: Having his mom get us a hotel room
Worst Pick: Julius Thomas, Kelvin Benjamin, Matt Prater
Draft Grade: F
Predicted finish: 12th
Russel Mania
Zach and Jeff traded plenty of barbs throughout the night and I can't think of any two owners that were more influenced by a simple preseason game than these two dudes. Emanuel Sanders looked good on a couple of catches and very well could be the number two guy for the Broncos but a fifth round pick is simply too early for this guy and looked like pick made just to bother Zach in the draft room. Granger's reaches happened early in the draft as I don't know if him and Zach were playing a Two Stooges routine but it was weird to watch these guys smack each other on the dome with a hammer in the hotel room for an hour rather than making wise draft picks. Andre Johnson is a stud receiver, no question, but I don't think he's a third rounder for half the fact that Ryan Fitzpatrick is throwing him the football this year. Not a huge reach but Andre is already pissed at the Texans and is already banged up, so the bust potential is definitely there. Meyer will enjoy watching Forte and Marshall play for the Bears because that offense looks ready to score lots of points and they'll have to with the way the Bears D played last year. The RB2 spot can be very tricky, especially if you wait a bit to grab one and Jeff's going to have to hope some injuries or coaching decisions help him out this year because plugging in Vereen, Khiry Robinson, or Ronnie Hillman probably means this team will be outscored in the RB2 spot every week. I know Meyer hates the absolute fuck out of Phil Rivers but once again, he's going to make this #1 ranked DB (douchebag) his #1 QB this year. Jeff's QB2 is Andy Dalton, who everyone thinks is a lousy ginger QB based on his prime time performances but the guy seems to score a fair amount of points every season and is actually a decent value where Granger got him and might be called on to lead this team at one point. The dude was our third ranked QB at the end of last year and that is not a typo. I don't think this team will embarrass themselves like a man wearing a c-string but I do think this is a team that will be exposed more than a self respecting man should be.
Beast Mode
As soon as Chris plugged himself into the #1 draft spot, every owner wondered who he would be taking. Sources close to the owner reported that he was leaning heavily to picking a running back but nobody had a strong sense of who would be the man to put on the Marvel hat and hold up the jersey as our #1 draft pick. Not that LeSean McCoy needed any more ammo for his ego already but he'll definitely brag to whoever can hear him that he was the first overall selection in the 2014 Dirty Dozen Draft. McCoy is a stud without a question and will either give Chris plenty to brag about or be the next first rounder that sits on the IR all season for Marvel. The rest of Chris's draft was pretty good as he took arguably the best player in the draft and then filled other positions with supreme talent. Chris is aware of the hot/cold nature of Stafford and if he plans on cutting down on his turnovers, he's a nice value at round four. Chris also took major advantage of our league's apprehension of drafting a TE super early as he was able to grab Jimmy Graham and the total points that will rival the top receivers once the season ends. Seriously, look at his numbers and bounce them against the wide receiver numbers and then punch yourself for not drafting Graham. I like Chris's pick of Antonio Brown and am on board with Riley Cooper as a late rounder but I'm skeptical that Roddy White can make it through an entire season and I don't think I've seen one drop of sweat on his head during the entire taping of Hard Knocks so far. It's definitely going to be interesting to see how this team's bench factors into it all because they all have serious boom/bust potential. Ray Rice is obviously under the spotlight and will be booed every Sunday that he's not suspended and not in Baltimore but if he's got a chip on his shoulder, he could be somebody that Chris tells everyone, "isn't that bad of a guy". The #1 spot can be tricky but I think Chris did a solid job of wanting the #1 spot and making it work for him.
Best pick: Jimmy Graham
Worst pick: Roddy White
Draft grade: B+
Predicted finish: 2nd place
Mr. Hankey
There were some good and bad suggestions for a new team name for these guys and whatever team name they will be stuck with this year, I don't think they'll have to worry about shouldering an embarrassing team name next year because their roster is strong. Peterson is starting to become the old, boring dude to draft but no matter what his situation is, the guy is usually better at carrying a football than anyone else. I might be a little biased because these bro's seemed to grab the one guy I had highlighted every round but then again, when you look at the recent history of my team and the Pep's team, it doesn't matter who is drafted except that we know he will suck when the season is over. Gio Bernard will make some highlight plays this year and if he can convince the Bengals to give him a couple more carries, specifically inside the 10, he could be a very nice RB2. As much as I appreciate these guys for waiting for a QB and actually drafting Jay Cutler, they probably could've waited a couple of more rounds to grab him. Then again, everyone jumps on QB's so maybe not. The QB position has been infuriating for these guys lately and Cutler will probably have these guys cheersing Buds one half and tossing remotes the next all season long because we all know how good and bad he can look on Sunday. That said, these guys got good value with all of their receivers, which is quite the trio. Jordy Nelson, Crabtree, and Hilton are a nice mix of steady and streaky and I think the Pep's did a nice job of scooping them up at the right time. I know the Pep's have had a rough go of it all throughout our league but there should be reason for optimism this year as these two went out and executed a strong draft and should see better results than the normal Peppel position.
Best pick: Michael Crabtree
Worst Pick: Jay Culter
Draft Grade; B+
Predicted finish: 3rd place
I'm Your Huckelberry
If you want to be a badass team, you'd like to model your team after one of the baddest asses that ever lived in Doc Holiday. Doc was so confident in his abilities that he would take on all challengers with a simple invite of "I'm your huckleberry" and Castillo will be giving you a grin and a wink every Sunday morning when he invites you to challenge him to a fantasy football dual. He's got a couple of deadly bullets in his six shooter but was also slow on the trigger at times on draft night, which might make for an early tombstone come playoff time. The Doc Holliday confidence will be entrusted to Jamaal Charles who was incredible last season and will probably have a couple of 30+ point games for Castillo this year, too. This isn't a perfect team as it will remain to be seen if LeVeon Bell loses goal line carries to Blount and if he does, his value goes down somewhat. It will also be interesting to see how Yo's 5th and 6th round picks of DeSean Jackson and Sammy Watkins fair as they both have gotten a lot of exposure in the preseason but both also have to learn new offenses, which is definitely a hindrance to receivers for their first season. Andrew Luck was probably drafted a round or two too early but again, we've noticed that QB's go a little too early than other leagues come draft day so I'll try not to be too hard on Castillo here. When the dust settles, this is a team that went RB-RB with his first two picks which makes Castillo one of the few owners that had an old school approach to roster building and while it's nice that he has two running backs that should get the ball over 17 times a day I wonder if the rest of this team will allow Castillo to be the last man standing when he decides to play for blood.
Best Pick: Jamaal Charles
Worst Pick: Sammy Watkins
Draft Grade: B-
Predicted Finish: 6th
Denver Donkey Punches
Zach made history last season by having the best draft we've ever seen that resulted in the best fantasy team we've ever witnessed in this league. Zach knows his stuff and has been a top owner for a long time, which made his draft day decisions so goddamn puzzling. I stood side by side with Z for most of the day and I didn't see anyone slip a mickey in his drink but you wouldn't know it with the draft that he had. The friendly mind games started early for the Black Hawk attendees and as we stood together with beers in hand watching the Broncos game, it became increasingly obvious that the Black Hawk Boys would bet hard on the Broncos come draft time. Meyer made his draft intentions pretty obvious that he would grab Peyton with his first pick and the shit talking got really heated up when Zach grabbed PFM one pick before Meyer was up in the first round. Peyton makes everyone around him better, we all know that, but as good as Julius Thomas was last year, he's not a third round selection, no matter what QB is tossing him the pigskin. The reaches didn't end there though, as you could argue that Rashad Jennings, Maclin, and Terrance Williams were taken a round or two early, which might be nitpicking admittedly. There is no argument that Kelvin Benjamin and Matt Prater were taken approximately five rounds early as everyone in the hotel room was trying to comprehend why exactly the hell Zach felt the need to grab those guys as early as he did. There's not too much justice in fantasy football but the fantasy gods finally acted justly when Prater was suspended four games the very next day. I mean we're all Broncos fans but Zach drafted like a chick that doesn't know jack (Zach) shit about football and just wants to cheer for her favorite team. I liked the Golden Tate pick and we should probably give Zach the benefit of the doubt after watching him run a train on all of us last year but I honestly can't make sense of his decisions even though I know he's been a very good fantasy football owner for the 13 years we've drafted. Zach was obviously confused by Dave's and Kevin's new team name, which gave us all a hearty laugh in the war room and I'm afraid we'll be laughing at Zach's team all season based on his dazed and confused selections. Everything is certainly not all right, all right, all right.
Best Pick: Having his mom get us a hotel room
Worst Pick: Julius Thomas, Kelvin Benjamin, Matt Prater
Draft Grade: F
Predicted finish: 12th
Russel Mania
Zach and Jeff traded plenty of barbs throughout the night and I can't think of any two owners that were more influenced by a simple preseason game than these two dudes. Emanuel Sanders looked good on a couple of catches and very well could be the number two guy for the Broncos but a fifth round pick is simply too early for this guy and looked like pick made just to bother Zach in the draft room. Granger's reaches happened early in the draft as I don't know if him and Zach were playing a Two Stooges routine but it was weird to watch these guys smack each other on the dome with a hammer in the hotel room for an hour rather than making wise draft picks. Andre Johnson is a stud receiver, no question, but I don't think he's a third rounder for half the fact that Ryan Fitzpatrick is throwing him the football this year. Not a huge reach but Andre is already pissed at the Texans and is already banged up, so the bust potential is definitely there. Meyer will enjoy watching Forte and Marshall play for the Bears because that offense looks ready to score lots of points and they'll have to with the way the Bears D played last year. The RB2 spot can be very tricky, especially if you wait a bit to grab one and Jeff's going to have to hope some injuries or coaching decisions help him out this year because plugging in Vereen, Khiry Robinson, or Ronnie Hillman probably means this team will be outscored in the RB2 spot every week. I know Meyer hates the absolute fuck out of Phil Rivers but once again, he's going to make this #1 ranked DB (douchebag) his #1 QB this year. Jeff's QB2 is Andy Dalton, who everyone thinks is a lousy ginger QB based on his prime time performances but the guy seems to score a fair amount of points every season and is actually a decent value where Granger got him and might be called on to lead this team at one point. The dude was our third ranked QB at the end of last year and that is not a typo. I don't think this team will embarrass themselves like a man wearing a c-string but I do think this is a team that will be exposed more than a self respecting man should be.
Best Pick: Brandon Marshall
Worst Pick: Emmanuel Sanders
Draft Grade: B-
Predicted Finsih: 5th
Westminster White Devils
Much like Zach Suer, Jeff Fanning has an impressive history of running a fantasy team and much like Zach Suer, I have no idea what he was thinking on draft night. I'm pretty positive Fanning reads preseason fantasy advice and while the so called experts are far from know-it-all's, nearly every single one of Fanning's early picks were on more than a few bust lists. We can look at Fanning's draft approach two ways. One, his team is going to struggle as the consensus bust predictions on his picks are going to be mostly right. Or two, Fanning was playing a little game theory with all of us and jumping on these guys when they fell due to the faults that the rest of the league read and heard about. Marshawn Lynch is a solid running back and will probably be a solid back this year but he's dangerously close to Shaun Alexander/Michael Turner/LaDainian Tomlinson territory where they've been the workhorse for 7-8 years and are about to fall off a cliff. Lynch probably holds less value in a keeper season too as it's tough for me to envision this guy being a keeper two years from now and maybe not next year depending on how he holds up. I can write the same exact thing about Arian Foster, who is awesome when healthy but he's had more nagging injuries than anyone else in the game lately and could be another dude that is an afterthought in the second half of the season. Gronkowski is an obvious health risk and same goes with Reggie Wayne and Percy Harvin who are all going to be in the starting lineup in week one but could be on the IR by week 7. You could even make the case that RG3 is a risk based on his tumultuous 2013 season and the general cluster fuck that is the Washington Redskins. It doesn't stop there, though as Romo is usually nursing some injury from his awful o-line and I could see Knowshon's knees get vaporized at some point this year. I have strong doubts that there will be 20% of the current roster remaining on the White Devil roster when we turn the calendar to December. This team is like a pair of cargo pants in that they were pretty cool a handful of years back but they look out of place today. It looks like Fanning defied all logic this draft but to his credit he did draft these guys at a decent value when you look to their average draft position and we'll see if Fanning knows something the rest of us don't.
Best Pick: Eric Decker
Worst Pick: Overall risk assessment
Draft Grade: D+
Projected Finish: 10th
Nerf Turbos
The Black Hawk Boys had themselves a long, spirited, and in depth discussion of the mathematics of male masturbation, even within ear shot of black jack dealers and get your ears ready because the commish is going to be jerking himself off for the next paragraph due to the big boner he has for his team. Jerome was happy to grab Rodgers once the stud running backs went off the board and maybe he'll finally have a difference maker for a franchise that has struggled to have a superstar quarterback pretty much every year. Romer had a nice buzz on during the Broncos preseason game and seeing a healthy Montee Ball get the ball a lot made his second round selection a no-brainer. Alshon Jeffrey made the leap last season as a game changing receiver and once again Jerome couldn't hit the "Submit" button quick enough in round three. Reggie Bush has probably been owned by everyone by now and his constant game time decisions will be a headache but as RB2's go, he'll be a nice boom or bust player. I gotta admit, I'm pretty happy with Torrey Smith and Michael Floyd rounding out my receving corps because if they take the next step this year, it will be big time points for me to enjoy. I was also pretty jazzed about getting Jerret Boykin late as he's one of the few sleepers that I didn't wait too long for and miss out on, like season's past. This team did stick to the script by loading up on running backs in the middle rounds and I've played enough to know that maybe I'll have one or two of those guys on my team by December if all goes as planned but they'll be just fine as bench options right now and Chris Johnson, Fred Jackson, or Lamar Miller could be capable mix and match RB2 replacements when Bush gets hurt. God willing one of the late round tight end, D, and kicker picks will actually do something for me but I'm stroking my shaft at maximum pace while rosterbating to this overall squad. The commish has been humbled with three straight non playoff performances lately but I can see these blue balls busting out in a big way in 2014. I'm setting myself up for failure big time and probably will regret what I'm about to type but based on this draft, I think the Granger Cup will be back in the lubed up hands of Jerome DeFelice when the season is over.
Best Pick: Alshon Jeffrey
Worst Pick: Cecil Shorts
Draft Grade: A
Predicted Finish: 1st
Get On Your Brees
These guys will have to think of a new team name and while I'm sure it was tough for them to look Drew Brees in the mole when they passed him over with the seventh pick, Calvin Johnson is someone that owners should be willing to go in a different direction with. I'm having a hard time assigning a grade for this team because they went against convention in the early rounds and have a lot of guys that could make them look very smart or very stupid. Corey and Dan went WR-WR with Calvin and A.J. Green and along with Kendall Wright, they have the best receiver trio to boast about. What they will gain with the receiver points, they will have a tough time matching points on the ground with Andre Ellington, C.J. Spiller, and Steven Jackson. Ellington was a popular sleeper who can break long plays and if the preseason hype matches in season production, he could be a top seven back when it's over. They did paint themselves in a corner and probably reached a bit to grab him, though. I was surprised to see these guys roll with C.J. Spiller for the simple fact that they drafted him early last year and he was nothing short of terrible all season long. He's another running back that can hit the home run but also swing and miss plenty. Nick Foles is another intriguing selection as he hit fantasy owners by storm last year with the fast paced Eagles and while his TD:INT ratio won't be as good as last year, he could be a very nice QB. They might've reached on him a tad early to grab him, though. I'm a big fan of their Dennis Pitta pick and the same can be said about bench guys like Steve Smith, Ruben Randle, and Christine Michael. This would be an awesome arena football team with a bunch of speedsters on the roster and we could see these dual owners have a lot of high scoring weeks to go along with a few duds. If they hit on a running back or two and if Foles proves to be the real deal Holyfield, there's no reason this team can't make another appearance in the Fantasy Bowl. It should at least be fun to watch the roller coaster ride.
Best Pick: Calvin Johnson
Worst Pick: Nick Foles
Draft Grade: B
Predicted Finish: 4th
Ahwatukee Drunk Cactusmen
Dave was in need of a name change to hopefully alter the course of his usual 9th place finish and I think these Drunk Cactusmen should pour themselves a tall one and celebrate a nice draft bounty. Eddie Lacy was really good last season as he quieted the critics and rumbled into the end zone often last year and should be a very nice RB1 for Dave. Dez Bryant has the ability to be our #1 receiver this year and if he can stay on the field and avoid the mental mistakes that plagued him, he'll challenge Megatron for top WR. Both big if's, admittedly. I personally am down on Ben Tate so I won't be in love with this pick as others might be as even though he's likely to get most of the carries in Cleveland, he's not going to have many holes to run through and is a constant injury risk. Dave probably should've picked up a few more running backs in case Tate goes down although I really like Joique Bell as a backup option. A lot of people think Corderelle Patterson could become the next explosive receiver and if the end of 2013 is any indication, he very well could be. Dave has three receivers that are loaded with talent and also loaded with high variance on the amount of points they will provide on a week to week basis. Cress grabbed himself the always underrated, never duplicated Cam Newton who should again be a good fantasy QB but he does come into the season with some injury concerns, which will have Dave wincing when Newton tucks it and runs. It wouldn't be a D12 fantasy draft if Dave's computer didn't crap out on him and while he was pretty heated at my inability to pause the draft so he could draft Greg Olsen, the computer did pick Colin Kaepernick, who could come in handy if Cam isn't his normal self this year. Dave gonna do what Dave do and that's draft rookie wide receivers and he was at it again this year by drafting Brandin Cooks and Mike Evans. As usual, rookie receivers are always enticing and almost always take 2-3 years to become a fantasy force. Dave took a chance with Josh Gordon, who won't be playing for anybody after all but was a reasonable gamble late in the draft. I'm a big fan of the Zack Ertz selection and if he gets the ball as much as people think he might, he'll be another big threat for the Cactusmen. Overall, this is a pretty good unit but if Cam or one of his running backs go down, Dave will be put to the test in filling their Superman cleats.
Best Pick: Zach Ertz
Worst Pick: His wifi connection
Draft Grade: B-
Predicted Finish: 7th
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Ray's Elevator Service
Everyone likes a good domestic violence joke and even though Petty won't be laughed at as hard as Ray Rice will this year, I see this team going down the standings like an elevator. Petty will enjoy watching Breesus Christ toss touchdowns all Sunday long and Drew will probably get Kevin a win or two with a 40 point game a few times this year. Kevin did get some bad draft night luck and it started with Sam Bradford getting hurt, which obviously won't ruin his QB plans but it might mean for more stacked boxes for Kevin's second rounder, Zac Stacy. Stacy was a revelation last year but will have to be even better this year. Larry Fitzgerald has been someone's WR1 for about 10 years now and again he'll probably be outscored by the opposing fantasy team's WR1 more often than not. I'm not faulting Kevin much for the pick as that's about all he could do after going QB-RB in the first two rounds but I think Kevin will be less than impressed with Fitz and his receivers in general, who are loaded with question marks. Kevin may or may not have known that Welker suffered a concussion in the game right before we drafted and it remains to be seen if Welker will turn out to be a decent value or someone that is one more concussion away from missing many more games. Dwayne Bowe is another familiar fantasy face on this roster but he was pretty quiet last season and a one game suspension to start the season could be the start of an even quieter 2014. Witten will probably catch a ton of balls for not a ton of yards but he's about as reliable of a tight end as you will find. Of course Kevin had to grab a D/ST early as he always does and I would've liked to see him grab another RB in round 11 opposed to grabbing Russell Wilson, who will probably be used only once this year. Kevin would love to see Ryan Matthews finally become a reliable running back and if he can stay off the trainers table, he's a pretty nice RB2. I like the late round Jeremy Hill pick if and when Matthews gets hurt. Overall, this team has an elite QB, a couple of alright running backs, and a lot of questionable receivers which makes me think that Kevin might want to bitch slap most of his players come playoff time.
Best Pick: Jeremy Hill
Worst Pick: Dwayne Bowe
Draft Grade: C+
Projected Finish: 9th
Dirk Diggler
You probably remember the scene from Boogie Nights where Dirk Diggler is whacking off in front of that creep in the truck. After tugging on his rod for a little too long, he gets a fist to his mouth for the effort, gets called a fag, and then is subsequently stomped on by a collection of dudes. I don't think J.P.'s draft is an all time low like this sequence for ol' Dirk was but I could certainly see him being humiliated and smacked around by the collection of D12 owners in this league. DeMarco Murray is a fine back and stayed healthy last year but having him be your first selection isn't going to get the fan base in a tizzy. Julio Jones would be a top five receiver without a doubt if he could stay healthy and unfortunately for Falcons fans and fantasy owners, he very likely will play 13 games at most this year. Keenan Allen surprised everyone last year with a huge second half stretch where he was a reliable WR2 but go back and compare his reception total to his touchdown totals and it looks very unsustainable. I'm not saying he can't be a red zone threat again this year but he got a lot of his points last year from touchdowns, which can vary from season to season. As a white male, I am rooting hard for Toby Gerhart to succeed as an NFL running back but playing for the Jag-offs will be frustrating to watch and diZerega pounced on Toby a bit early with the 38th pick. J.P. might have a Matt Ryan tramp stamp on his back because he loves that squeaky clean QB and while I think he'll be a fine QB to own, J.P. took him a bit early in round 5. After round 5, J.P. decided to pump the brakes on this fuck truck and make a couple value picks of Marques Colston and Pierre Thomas. I like Jordan Reed but he was picked about two rounds too early, too. J.P. went against fantasy code and drafted his kicker in round 12, which will cost him a letter grade alone but his affinity for former Buff Mason Crosby is real and their love cannot be denied. J.P. was put in a rough position by getting unlucky in our draft lottery and I think we saw a fine example of the challenges an owner faces when he is on the front or back end of the draft snake as J.P. seemed to highlight his guys and was forced to pick them early because he would have to wait 20 picks for them to still be available. I'm all for grabbing your dude a bit early if you really want him but J.P. needed some Icy Hot after the draft because he was reaching hard all night long.
Best Pick: Marques Colston
Worst Pick: Jordan Reed
Draft Grade: D
Projected Finish: 11th
Australian for Beer
Doug Martin went from fantasy darling to the fantasy dumpster last year with minimal space to operate and then a bad season ending injury. When the Bucs weren't putting together the dumbest looking uniforms in football, they were grabbing backup running backs and it looked like Doug Martin would have plenty of teammates threatening to take some carries away. But one by one, the competition has disappeared due to serious injury and an upgrade in the o-line with the Mankins trade suddenly makes Doug Martin a viable RB1 again. Jordan will love watching Demaryius Targaryen summon his dragons to roast defensive backs all season long and Jordan will likely be spitting fireball out of his mouth due to all the touchdowns D.T. will score this year. I keep waiting for Frank Gore to turn into an unusable fantasy running back but as long as he gets his carries, especially around the end zone, he'll continue to be in the RB2 conversation. Victor Cruz's season will be interesting to watch because the Giants were an absolute abomination last season and there's not much to suggest that will improve this year. Cruz can be a serious threat but unless Eli has time to throw and then actually throws it to a teammate, the salsa dancing will be very limited for V. Cruz. If an outsider were to grade our drafts he would probably dock Jordan heavily for taking Brady 60th overall when ESPN tabs him as the 111th best overall pick but QB's go off the board fast and furious so you have to adjust accordingly if there's a QB you definitely want. 60th is still too early for Brady but Jordan might've panicked being in the 12th drafting spot. If Brady is to rebound from his awful 2013 season, Jordan will hope a big factor is Tom's reliance on Julian Edelman, who Jordan took right behind Brady in round 6. I think Jordan was in the mood to fill out his starting lineup or he wanted a Jordan on his team after Jordan Cameron and the Seahawks D went next. I won't bore everyone with my D/ST talk again but if you are going to reach for a D, the Seattle Seahawks are the one to go for. Jordan spent the rest of his draft picking up white guys and he'll hope to do the Johnny Manziel cash money hand gesture when he collects his winnings but I think he'll be flipping off his opponent in round one of the playoffs where his season will end.
Best Pick: Doug Martin
Worst Pick: Tom Brady
Draft Grade: C+
Projected Finish: 8th
In case you haven't looked at the FFL Toolkit link on the ESPN site, I'll allow you to see how ESPN graded our draft. I'm guessing they take the all of our picks and do the math on where ESPN has them ranked and hand out grades accordingly. I would tell you to take these more seriously than you would my personal opinion but then I remembered that ESPN still employs Merill Hodge, Herman Edwards, Cris Carter, Skip Bayless, Steven A. Smith, Lou Holtz, Mark May, and I know I'm missing about 7 others, so we really can't take their opinions on football too seriously.
Everyone likes a good domestic violence joke and even though Petty won't be laughed at as hard as Ray Rice will this year, I see this team going down the standings like an elevator. Petty will enjoy watching Breesus Christ toss touchdowns all Sunday long and Drew will probably get Kevin a win or two with a 40 point game a few times this year. Kevin did get some bad draft night luck and it started with Sam Bradford getting hurt, which obviously won't ruin his QB plans but it might mean for more stacked boxes for Kevin's second rounder, Zac Stacy. Stacy was a revelation last year but will have to be even better this year. Larry Fitzgerald has been someone's WR1 for about 10 years now and again he'll probably be outscored by the opposing fantasy team's WR1 more often than not. I'm not faulting Kevin much for the pick as that's about all he could do after going QB-RB in the first two rounds but I think Kevin will be less than impressed with Fitz and his receivers in general, who are loaded with question marks. Kevin may or may not have known that Welker suffered a concussion in the game right before we drafted and it remains to be seen if Welker will turn out to be a decent value or someone that is one more concussion away from missing many more games. Dwayne Bowe is another familiar fantasy face on this roster but he was pretty quiet last season and a one game suspension to start the season could be the start of an even quieter 2014. Witten will probably catch a ton of balls for not a ton of yards but he's about as reliable of a tight end as you will find. Of course Kevin had to grab a D/ST early as he always does and I would've liked to see him grab another RB in round 11 opposed to grabbing Russell Wilson, who will probably be used only once this year. Kevin would love to see Ryan Matthews finally become a reliable running back and if he can stay off the trainers table, he's a pretty nice RB2. I like the late round Jeremy Hill pick if and when Matthews gets hurt. Overall, this team has an elite QB, a couple of alright running backs, and a lot of questionable receivers which makes me think that Kevin might want to bitch slap most of his players come playoff time.
Best Pick: Jeremy Hill
Worst Pick: Dwayne Bowe
Draft Grade: C+
Projected Finish: 9th
Dirk Diggler
You probably remember the scene from Boogie Nights where Dirk Diggler is whacking off in front of that creep in the truck. After tugging on his rod for a little too long, he gets a fist to his mouth for the effort, gets called a fag, and then is subsequently stomped on by a collection of dudes. I don't think J.P.'s draft is an all time low like this sequence for ol' Dirk was but I could certainly see him being humiliated and smacked around by the collection of D12 owners in this league. DeMarco Murray is a fine back and stayed healthy last year but having him be your first selection isn't going to get the fan base in a tizzy. Julio Jones would be a top five receiver without a doubt if he could stay healthy and unfortunately for Falcons fans and fantasy owners, he very likely will play 13 games at most this year. Keenan Allen surprised everyone last year with a huge second half stretch where he was a reliable WR2 but go back and compare his reception total to his touchdown totals and it looks very unsustainable. I'm not saying he can't be a red zone threat again this year but he got a lot of his points last year from touchdowns, which can vary from season to season. As a white male, I am rooting hard for Toby Gerhart to succeed as an NFL running back but playing for the Jag-offs will be frustrating to watch and diZerega pounced on Toby a bit early with the 38th pick. J.P. might have a Matt Ryan tramp stamp on his back because he loves that squeaky clean QB and while I think he'll be a fine QB to own, J.P. took him a bit early in round 5. After round 5, J.P. decided to pump the brakes on this fuck truck and make a couple value picks of Marques Colston and Pierre Thomas. I like Jordan Reed but he was picked about two rounds too early, too. J.P. went against fantasy code and drafted his kicker in round 12, which will cost him a letter grade alone but his affinity for former Buff Mason Crosby is real and their love cannot be denied. J.P. was put in a rough position by getting unlucky in our draft lottery and I think we saw a fine example of the challenges an owner faces when he is on the front or back end of the draft snake as J.P. seemed to highlight his guys and was forced to pick them early because he would have to wait 20 picks for them to still be available. I'm all for grabbing your dude a bit early if you really want him but J.P. needed some Icy Hot after the draft because he was reaching hard all night long.
Best Pick: Marques Colston
Worst Pick: Jordan Reed
Draft Grade: D
Projected Finish: 11th
Australian for Beer
Doug Martin went from fantasy darling to the fantasy dumpster last year with minimal space to operate and then a bad season ending injury. When the Bucs weren't putting together the dumbest looking uniforms in football, they were grabbing backup running backs and it looked like Doug Martin would have plenty of teammates threatening to take some carries away. But one by one, the competition has disappeared due to serious injury and an upgrade in the o-line with the Mankins trade suddenly makes Doug Martin a viable RB1 again. Jordan will love watching Demaryius Targaryen summon his dragons to roast defensive backs all season long and Jordan will likely be spitting fireball out of his mouth due to all the touchdowns D.T. will score this year. I keep waiting for Frank Gore to turn into an unusable fantasy running back but as long as he gets his carries, especially around the end zone, he'll continue to be in the RB2 conversation. Victor Cruz's season will be interesting to watch because the Giants were an absolute abomination last season and there's not much to suggest that will improve this year. Cruz can be a serious threat but unless Eli has time to throw and then actually throws it to a teammate, the salsa dancing will be very limited for V. Cruz. If an outsider were to grade our drafts he would probably dock Jordan heavily for taking Brady 60th overall when ESPN tabs him as the 111th best overall pick but QB's go off the board fast and furious so you have to adjust accordingly if there's a QB you definitely want. 60th is still too early for Brady but Jordan might've panicked being in the 12th drafting spot. If Brady is to rebound from his awful 2013 season, Jordan will hope a big factor is Tom's reliance on Julian Edelman, who Jordan took right behind Brady in round 6. I think Jordan was in the mood to fill out his starting lineup or he wanted a Jordan on his team after Jordan Cameron and the Seahawks D went next. I won't bore everyone with my D/ST talk again but if you are going to reach for a D, the Seattle Seahawks are the one to go for. Jordan spent the rest of his draft picking up white guys and he'll hope to do the Johnny Manziel cash money hand gesture when he collects his winnings but I think he'll be flipping off his opponent in round one of the playoffs where his season will end.
Best Pick: Doug Martin
Worst Pick: Tom Brady
Draft Grade: C+
Projected Finish: 8th
In case you haven't looked at the FFL Toolkit link on the ESPN site, I'll allow you to see how ESPN graded our draft. I'm guessing they take the all of our picks and do the math on where ESPN has them ranked and hand out grades accordingly. I would tell you to take these more seriously than you would my personal opinion but then I remembered that ESPN still employs Merill Hodge, Herman Edwards, Cris Carter, Skip Bayless, Steven A. Smith, Lou Holtz, Mark May, and I know I'm missing about 7 others, so we really can't take their opinions on football too seriously.
This is where I insert the usual disclaimer that I am one guy trying to forecast a fantasy football league a week after the draft, which is of course, silly as shit. Draft grades are still hot on the streets and I am the man of the people so I still try to toss these semi serious letter grades out there and hope you guys still enjoy spending time getting ready for another season of Dirty Dozen football. Once again I'm pissed at myself for spending far too fucking long on this thing. I hope everyone finds it easy to locate and navigate this site but if you see any room for improvement, let me know. Good luck to you in the rest of your leagues and lets hope we can all at least celebrate one championship this season together with our Denver Broncos.