Dirk Diggler vs. Dick Tickling Cock Jockeys
- It can be somewhat difficult to know exactly how dependent a running back is on their offensive line but if you wanted to start a case study on this topic, DeMarco Murray would be a good subject. Last year he was able to get to the second level frequently and now he has to break two tackles before he reaches the line of scrimmage. Gaining 11 yards is something Murray did every 7th carry in Dallas and he now has 11 yards in two games in Philly.
- Curious move to bench your first pick (Forsett) when he played the Raiders in favor of “Arch” Bishop Sankey. Both failed to take advantage of their weak opponent.
- The receiving trio of Marshall, Steve Smith Sr., and Doug Baldwin do not strike fear in the heart of the opponent but their combined 46.2 points in week 2 is intimidating as this guy.
- Has to be nice to get 6 points right out of the gates with a kick return TD to open the game. I can only assume J.P. missed this opening score because he was passed out and drooling on his pillow due to the celebration of the Buffs the night before.
- Poor, poor David Cress. Last week his keeper gets injured badly and this week Dave’s ego gets injured badly with a 59.8 point performance. Is it too early to predict an 0-13 season?
- The Ravens team plane has more felons than Con Air and after giving up 37 points to the lowly Oakland Raiders, I wouldn’t be shocked if Dave went full Nicholas Cage and wanted to kill each and every Raven he saw.
- For all the panicking that Denver fans have done over Peyton’s lack of arm strength and protection, at least he looks better than Drew Brees. Breesus Christ might be injured somewhat, pretty good, or very seriously and either way, it might be time for Dave to consider alternatives.
- Sammy Watkin was the only player on this team that looked remotely interested in helping Dave get a win in week 2.
- Poor, poor David Cress.
The Bushwhackers vs. Nerf Turbos
- Now THAT’S the Adrian Peterson who was worth a keeper spot this offseason
- It’s been a rough couple of seasons for Larry Fitzgerald but he almost made up for the entire lack of production with a 29.2 point game out of nowhere
- Andrew Luck has looked like garbage so far and with everyone in the Colts organization from the owner down already pointing fingers, this has the potential to end badly for Luck and the Pep’s.
- Missed PAT’s count for -3 points in our league and we’re going to see a few more -3 point changes on the scoreboard with the new PAT spot. Dan Carpenter’s shankfest 2015 helped get him to a -1 point day even with the Bills scoring 32 points in the day. More reasons for us to hate kickers now.
- The six pack side bet is a staple in many fantasy leagues and if my team continues to play like this, I’ll be at Applejack’s more than Andy Morrell.
- It was nice of Eddie Lacy to get carted off the field to close out my shitty Sunday. If that cheddar cheese eating mofo fights an ankle issue all season, I’m probably missing the playoffs.
- Mike Evans gets me as many points when he’s active as he does when he’s inactive. Don’t make me hate you more than the Denver radio Mike Evans.
- When your bench outscores your starters, it either means you’re a bad coach or have a bad team. In this case, it could be both.
Johnson and Johnson vs. Miller’s All-Stars
- I was hoping you guys named your team after Vance Johnson and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
- It didn’t always look pretty but getting 26.2 points from Peyton must feel pretty good considering how that game started.
- 42.2 combined points from the receivers is precisely what these guys had in mind on draft night
- If Jordan Cameron plays more than 7 games this year, I’ll buy you two a beer
- God may have switched allegiances during the Sunday Night game but 26 points from the bible thumping, bubble water drinking QB will do Petty just fine
- Hard to look worse than Jeremy Hill did this week. Two fumbles meant Hill had to sit on the bench where he might be spending more time down the road if he can’t take care of the football.
- Negative 8 points from the 49ers D could be the lowest total we see all season
- Petty’s bench scored 94 points, which has to make him feel good and pissed at the same time
- Mr. Miller would lose his shit once in a while and I have never laughed harder at an angry man than when Mr. Miller called our class “A bunch of horses fucking”. I have to imagine Kevin was screaming this same phrase to his fantasy team all Sunday.
That’s My Forte vs. Westminster Warriors
- Tom Brady is going to be our league MVP, isn’t he?
- Jamaal Charles had two critical fumbles that gift wrapped a Broncos victory on Thursday night. Meyer will not like to see Jamaal be that reckless with the ball but I’m sure he’ll make an exception in this case
- Is Keenan Allen closer to the 15 catches for 166 yards we saw in week 1 or closer to the two catches for 16 yards and a fumble we saw in week 2?
- Adam Vinatieri has -1 fantasy points on the season
- Absolutely nothing is going according to plan for Chip Kelly’s offense and Sam Bradford’s spot on a fantasy starting lineup might be one of the first casualties.
- Hyde and Ivory looked so great last week and so brittle this week.
- Gronkasaurus keeps digesting linebackers, cornerbacks, and safeties
- Never good when your kicker is the leading scorer but if that comes with a victory, then just hand that kicker the game ball and move onto the next week
Denver Donkey Punches vs. Demaryius Targaryen
- W24 in the regular season win streak column
- Almost time to panic about C.J. Anderson. Whether it’s the toe or the offensive line, he’s got about two more weeks to fix it or we might have another Montee Ball situation on our hands
- I want to like Odell Beckham but he seems like a pretty flamboyant douchebag. Frosted tips are for male jiggalos and boy bands. What in the name of Sideshow Bob is going on here?
- Jimmy Graham will be dunking as much as John Crotty does if he continues to get ignored on the Seattle offense.
- Dat Orange Crush D is killin' em, yo. Haven’t seen anyone dry hump this hard since I used to give myself blue balls on Sara Johnson’s couch.
- Zach Suer is now the New England Patriots of the Dirty Dozen. He’s been too good for too long and I need someone to come to me with a flimsy accusation so we can make every effort to put a stop to his success. The fucking guy is in first place again.
- Jordan needed a touchdown from Dwayne Allen to end the streak and in very Suer-like fashion, Dwayne Allen immediately got injured to secure Suer another W.
- Big Ben could be in for a mega righteous statistical season
- Alshon Jeffery is creeping into wasted pick territory already. Especially now that Jimmy frickin’ Clausen will be delivering him passes
- A couple of close losses shouldn’t have Jordan too down on himself but one more could send Jordan to the bottle for a therapy session real quick
I’m Your Huckleberry vs. You Done Messed With A-Aron
- Tony Romo is a real blue collar quarterback. Make that a real black-and-blue collarbone quarterback. Boom, roasted.
- When we questioned Castillo’s pick of Frank Gore, he justified it by saying how much Matthew Berry was drooling over him this offseason. Might be time to pick another ESPN fantasy fool to follow.
- The number 1 ranked running back is DeAangelo Williams, of course. If everything goes according to plan, DeAngelo will get about 1-4 carries a game from here on out.
- T.Y. Hilton is running like Verbal Kint. I hate when coaches put injured receivers out there mainly as decoys. At least that’s what T.Y. looks like to me so far.
- Saying “Fucnhessssssssssssssss!!!” was fun for two weeks but he’s not a good receiver. Sorry you couldn’t use that in an actual game
Ch. Marvel’s Notes
- Aaron Rodgers is losing more weapons than we did when drunkenly playing Grand Theft Auto. He’s good enough to overcome it but he might also be throwing to Antonio Freeman and Bubba Franks by week 6.
- I lick Antonio Brown’s nutsack every week on this site but the guy is like Jim J. Bullock on Hollywood Squares. Always the go-to guy and always delivers.
- Julian Edelman shouldn’t be this good at fantasy football but he might end up with 125 catches this year if he stays healthy
- If you are wondering why Chris named his team what he did, watch this because it’s funny.
- I thought CSU was going to run away with the game after the first quarter but a couple of bad FG attempts and a few big plays from the Boulder team made for a sour Saturday night at Fanning’s house. They are a couple of OT blunders away from being 3-0 and having the Ft. Collins faithful hyped about another 10 win season.
- CU get bragging rights for 364 days and will now see if this momentum can carry them to a .500 season
- The Mountain West is going to be TERRIBLE this year
- For the complaining and panic that we might have about our Denver Broncos, there are a lot of teams this year that came in with high hopes and look like rat excrement so far
- Eliminator pools are for suckers and I hate them. We all lost this week because football is dumb so we’ll all act like that never happened and we’re all eligible (besides Chris and Corey) to pick this week
- What entity has a bigger budget; NASA or DraftKing's marketing division?