Jerome DeFelice: I could sit here and talk about how David Johnson is my new favorite player and the best RB in D12 by a lot. I could gloat to everyone about how my wide receiver combination of A.J. Green and Mike Evans is the best our league has to offer. I could pat myself on the back for owning the top tight end in our league. I could remind all of you of these factors but instead I’m going to be magnanimous and turn my personal success into a personal thank you to the rest of the owners in this league. Thanks to most of you for declining any of my trade offers earlier in the season because without your trade declines, I wouldn’t have the uber talented roster I now possess. Without your fear of getting duped, I would have instead given away a lot of great players for unequal return so next time I send you an offer, please decline and call me an idiot, or just ignore them like you do already. Thank you.
Coran Marvstone: Jay Ajayi is that $20 bill that you find crumpled up in your jean pockets out of nowhere. Ajayi has gone from a forgotten man in the FA pool to an RB that got these guys 60 points the last two weeks. Every year there is one player that everyone could’ve gotten multiple times and if these guys don’t need an injury replacement on Sunday morning, they probably would’ve passed on Ajayi just like everyone else did. Ajayi is now a very real running back threat for this team and this found $20 bill is really helping these guys come closer to earning a stack of $20’s if they keep on winning.
J.P. diZerega: Having three of the top five running backs is something that’s probably never happened in this league and J.P. gets to start all three of them every week thanks to the glorious wonders of the flex position. J.P. now has three very enticing trade chips since 20 carry bell cow backs are now rarer than wife beating kickers in the NFL. J.P. can now attempt to flip one of these guys for help in the WR department or just hold onto all of them and continue to wear opposing teams out on the ground. J.P. also has a wide grin spectating football on Saturdays for a change as the CU Buffs look like an actual, real life decent football team this season.
Dave Cress: Drew Brees is much like the overweight girl at the bar whose friends are trying to talk their desperate guy friends into dating. She’s ugly on the outside but pretty wonderful on the inside, just trust me. Drew Brees has a reputation of being butt ugly when playing outside but he put on some makeup, put on a belly band, and looked presentable this week with 30 fantasy points in the elements Arrowhead Stadium. Brees is about a sure thing as you can get this year and now that Dez is back in the fold, Dave’s trio of Cooks, Thomas, and Bryant will try to be a threesome that Dave lusts over the rest of the season.
Meyer: It’s rare that an owner would want his keeper to stay on the IR but I’m wondering if Meyer is considering a road trip to Kansas City to convince Andy Reid to keep Jamaal Charles sidelined. This would allow Spencer Ware to keep his RB1 status in KC and D12 and help Meyer’s Sunday morning coaching decisions and his weekly point totals. Spencer is taking short passes to the (Ware)house all year long and along with LaGarrette Blount has turned a very unstable backfield on draft night into one of our best in the league. Meyer has gotten a lot of enhanced performances from unlikely sources this year which might inspire fellow owners to call for a piss test and luckily for all of us, the Dirty Dozen facilitates these urine tests before, after, and even during the game.
Jeff Fanning: Fanning’s got us right where he wants us. If anyone knows how to play possum it’s Jeff Fanning and he’s back at it again this year. The game plan of lying in the weeds until playoff time is ready to go now that Fanning is playing for his playoff life. Forte’s schedule will soften (potentially along with his tendons after 30 carries), Christine Michael finally gives this team some RB stability while sending Yeldon to the bench, and Devontae Booker is looking stronger every game and could be the main man come D12 playoff season. Jordy and Marvin Jones are a pretty darn good receiving duo and for as much adversity as Andrew Luck faces every week, he is one tough cookie that continues to put up fantasy points. Yeah, we’ll all forget about Fanning for now but will quickly be reminded come December that this team is slowly charging all year to flip at the right time and dial up another championship, just like Andrew Luck’s flip phone.
Kevin Petty: It would be an insult to Kevin to try to spin any of what happened this year into a positive. No one on his roster ranks in the top 10 at their position and Kevin is looking straight down the barrel of potentially the most embarrassing D12 season ever. But, on the bright side, he’s joined the elite company of Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, and Alfonso Soriano as members of the 40/40 club. Petty has now scored in the 40’s not just twice in one season, but accomplished this feat in back-to-back weeks. Kevin could’ve combined his scores from weeks 7 and 8 (85.6 total points) and still only beaten one team last week. The good news in all of this Mr. Petty is you can now become a better human being. No longer do you need to waste time looking for the right free agent fill-in at work. Instead, you can focus on your job and get that performance merit increase at the end of the fiscal year. You can now chase the kids in the backyard instead of caring about the morning football slate and then you can impress the wife by cooking her a meal on Monday night instead of seeing if your team will pull out a win. By the end of the year you will be a better employee, friend, father, and husband and you’ll have the massively disappointing Russell Wilson, Allen Robinson, and Co. to thank for all of it.