Maybe I'm just a cynical old fuck but it seems like every football season will wear you down, crush your hopes, and pee on you right before you submit. Week by week, we're witnesses to injuries, tough losses, mindless coaching decisions, and bad bounces that remind us that gambling and fantasy football usually end with heartache. That's why draft night is the best night on the fantasy football calendar. Everyone has some shred of hope that this will be their year. Every sleeper has yet to disappoint you and every ligament is attached on your player's body. It's also a night where most of us can get together and tie one on like we used to. Your commish may have been drunk with power (and alcohol) when he paused the draft a few times and by the looks of many of the owners in this league, there was some hard alcohol and anger rushing through their veins as the draft unfolded but generally, the draft was a successful one. Maybe we're all just cynical old fucks now but for one night we were able to look at our roster and envision a happy ending before we lose all our hope and money in the weeks to come.
As is customary, your commish has scanned all the rosters, highlighted the good and the bad, and is here to offer up a shot in the dark at how this league will unfold. As you are all well aware of by now, this will be a long read and will contain a grammatical error or two and plenty of predictions that will be horribly wrong. Let us all take some time out of our day to see how 2015 might play out, set our skepticism meters on full blast, and try to recall what went down on one of the best nights of the year; D12 draft night.
Chris Marvel
The Dirty Dozen broke a long standing tradition of letting tumbling tennis balls decide our draft order this year but that didn't prevent Chris Marvel from having a prime draft spot like he usually does. With Chris allowed to pick any of the non-keepers he wanted, many assumed he would draft Jamaal Charles to give him a top 5 RB to go with the best WR in fantasy football. Chris instead called Aaron Rodgers up to the podium to the surprise of many. Chris now has arguably the best QB in the game but it did come with a cost and you will see the cost of his decision when you gander at the backfield on this team. Melvin Gordon, Joique Bell, Devonta Freeman, Alfred Blue, and Ameer Abdulah will be mixed and matched throughout the season but no matter how many different combinations Chris comes up with, the end result will likely be a disappointing one. I don't think I would mind Chris's roll of the dice if the supporting cast was stronger than it is but I just can't get on board with most of these guys. Michael Floyd was taken way too early, Jason Whitten is no longer a reliable TE, and there's negative 13 reasons to draft Andy Dalton, especially if your starting QB is Aaron Rodgers. Chris is going to love watching Rodgers carve up secondaries throughout the season and Antonio Brown can certainly be our top receiver once again but the Chris Marvel section of the draft was less than impressed with the selections made throughout the night.
As is customary, your commish has scanned all the rosters, highlighted the good and the bad, and is here to offer up a shot in the dark at how this league will unfold. As you are all well aware of by now, this will be a long read and will contain a grammatical error or two and plenty of predictions that will be horribly wrong. Let us all take some time out of our day to see how 2015 might play out, set our skepticism meters on full blast, and try to recall what went down on one of the best nights of the year; D12 draft night.
Chris Marvel
The Dirty Dozen broke a long standing tradition of letting tumbling tennis balls decide our draft order this year but that didn't prevent Chris Marvel from having a prime draft spot like he usually does. With Chris allowed to pick any of the non-keepers he wanted, many assumed he would draft Jamaal Charles to give him a top 5 RB to go with the best WR in fantasy football. Chris instead called Aaron Rodgers up to the podium to the surprise of many. Chris now has arguably the best QB in the game but it did come with a cost and you will see the cost of his decision when you gander at the backfield on this team. Melvin Gordon, Joique Bell, Devonta Freeman, Alfred Blue, and Ameer Abdulah will be mixed and matched throughout the season but no matter how many different combinations Chris comes up with, the end result will likely be a disappointing one. I don't think I would mind Chris's roll of the dice if the supporting cast was stronger than it is but I just can't get on board with most of these guys. Michael Floyd was taken way too early, Jason Whitten is no longer a reliable TE, and there's negative 13 reasons to draft Andy Dalton, especially if your starting QB is Aaron Rodgers. Chris is going to love watching Rodgers carve up secondaries throughout the season and Antonio Brown can certainly be our top receiver once again but the Chris Marvel section of the draft was less than impressed with the selections made throughout the night.
Keeper Grade: B+
Draft Grade: C
Predicted Finish: 9th
Ambiguously Gay Duo
The Peppel's were two of the many fantasy football owners that got blindsided by the Adrian Peterson suspension last year but it didn't deter them from hanging on to our favorite toddler-smacking running back when it was keeper time. The Peppel's might've been a little surprised when Jamaal Charles was on the board and they resisted the urge to have our unquestioned best backfield when they grabbed Andrew Luck with the #2 pick. I don't know if Luck can throw more passes than he did last year but even if he hands the ball off a little more often, he can still be our #1 quarterback. DeAndre Hopkins and Andre Johnson are no longer teammates on an NFL team but they were reunited when the Pep's took them in the 3rd and 4th round, and I like their picks in both cases. If Rashad Jennings can stay healthy (he can't) he can be a real nice RB2 for this team as he was great for the Giants last year before getting predictably injured. Charles Johnson was a trendy sleeper and could be a nice WR3 for this team but he's about the only player on this team that has high boom-or-bust potential. The rest of this roster is loaded with consistent players that might not vault the Pep's to the top of the Points Scored standings but it's unlikely that the Pep's will reside in the D12 ghetto, as they are accustomed to. These two are probably going to have to come up with a new team name and if it all comes together, they might be the ones that are tasked with renaming our last place team next year.
Keeper Grade: A-
Draft Grade: B
Predicted Finish: 4th
That's My Forte
Meyer won't be able to keep both Jamaal Charles and Matt Forte next season but he will have our best starting backfield in 2015. Meyer was pretty happy to nab Charles and he'll just have to deal with his second keeper problem in about 11 months and hope his backfield will allow him to hoist the Granger Cup in about 4 months. I don't know where Tom Brady would've gone in our draft if he was suspended for the first four games but I certainly did not expect him to go 34th overall when Meyer grabbed him. Meyer's receivers all have the physique of Anthony Mason and Meyer will have to hope they can all box out the defensive backs and bring down some touchdowns in 2015. I Think Keenan Allen, Jarvis Landry, and Vincent Jackson are going to throw up more bricks than swishes, though. Danny Amendola was a wasted pick in the 12th round and the Coors Light must've been kicking in when Meyer picked a kicker in round 13 but overall, this team should be pretty solid. If Jeff's backfield can stay on the field and the aging players on this roster hold on for one more year, this looks like a team that will score 95-100 points a week and do it consistently.
Keeper Grade: B
Draft Grade: B-
Predicted Finish: 5th
Foles Gold
Corey and Dan went WR-WR in the first two rounds of last year's draft and they hitched their 2014 ride to Nick Foles, which tells you all you need to know about how that team ended up. It looked like these two were setting themselves up for another disappointing season when they went WR-WR in the draft but I think these two might've pulled it off. Calvin Johnson and Julio Jones are simply unstoppable when they are healthy but good health has never been something either of these behemoths ride out for an entire season. It could've ended very badly for this team in the RB slots but I will say that Alfred Morris and Latavius Murry are pretty decent finds for the gamble these guys took. Collectively we've all spent about 1,000 hours reading, hearing, and talking about Peyton Manning this offseason and I don't think anyone, even Peyton himself, knows how this season will go. If he's healthy, he'll likely put up more of the same great numbers but he also could throw with the same velocity and ball rotation as Tim Wakefield did, which is going to make for some anxious moments for the Bronco faithful and these dual owners. Nelson Agholor is the next Chip Kelly product that is high on everyone's sleeper list and if he meets the potential that Chip is counting on, this will be our top receiving trio by a lot. Peyton's health will be one to monitor and this backfield could really sabotage this team if they do not produce but the receivers on this team will not be an issue at all. If this was a six receiver league, I would declare this team the champions but with the current roster setup, I think this is a team that will be towards the top of the standings and a legit title contender.
Keeper Grade: B-
Draft Grade: B+
Predicted Finish: 2nd
Denver Donkey Punches
No matter how bad I perceive the draft day decisions for Zach and J.P., I know full well that they will both be winning some amount of money at the end of the year. I don't particularly like this team but history has taught me to never bet against Zach Suer because Zach Suer wins. I have a hard time believing that Odell Beckham will make the same amount of highlight reel catches this season and stay healthy in the process but Odell is going to win Zach a couple games at minimum, he's just too talented. C.J. Anderson was a fire breathing monster down the stretch last year just like Beckham was and if he turns out to be a good fit in Kubiak's system, he could be the #1 RB in fantasy when the season is over. Jordan Matthews and Joseph Randle have lots of upside but also have the IQ of an egg McMuffin, which could limit their snaps on the field. I liked Zach's gamble on Arian Foster and I also think John Brown could emerge as a nice WR3 option for this team but otherwise I was tossing heat in Zach's direction after most of his draft picks. Zach did his usual trolling by picking the Broncos D incredibly early and he doubled down on the trolling when he picked Brandon McManus 128th overall. What the fuck, man? These reaches aren't going to be major contributors to Zach's regular season title reign but we also know that they won't bury Zach because Zach Suer is a truck that runs like a charm no matter how many tough miles have been accumulated.
Keeper Grade: C
Draft Grade: C+
Predicted Finish: 6th
Westminster Warriors
Rob Gronkowski was the first tight end ever to be kept in our league and even though it's not a conventional decision, it wasn't necessarily a bad one. Fanning didn't have a lot of great keeper options and Gronk represents a player that is much better than the #2 man at his position and that gap is larger than any other position out there. I was pretty certain that Fanning was going to scoop up a running back with his first pick but instead he went with football's gumby, A.J. Green. Green is pretty good but what isn't good is Fanning's backfield that now consists of Carlos Hyde and Andre Ellington. I have no idea if either of them will break out in 2015 but their 2014 seasons weren't exactly a promising teaser. We'll see if Davante Adams is ready to be the #2 man in Green Bay and if he gets on the same page with Aaron Rodgers, it could be fantasy gold for Jeff. There are a lot of people that think Sam Bradford can fulfill his potential in Phildelphia but there are also a lot of people that know that Sam Bradford can get injured from a strong gust of wind, too. There's a lot of sleeper potential on this roster but sleepers generally haven't proven much on the field, which is the case with a lot of dudes on the Warriors roster. If Fanning guesses right more often than not with most of these sleepers, he can return to glory but we probably won't know until week 5 or 6 if this team is one we can take seriously.
Keeper Grade: C+
Draft Grade: C
Predicted Finish: 10th
Ray's Elevator Service
The fellow owners within the draft day war room gave Kevin Petty a fair amount of shit before, during, and after the draft and they usually brought up the fact that his name was not engraved in the Granger Cup. Petty took most of this in stride and after 2015, I think Kevin will finally take the monkey off his back and fire back at the jokesters. Even though Kevin's better half interrupted his draft with an ill-timed face time request on his iPad, it wasn't enough to prevent Petty from having a really solid draft. You can probably plug in Marshawn Lynch for 1,500 yards and 14 touchdowns and if Jeremy Hill continues to improve, he could be a Marshawn in the making for this team. Emmanuel Sanders should be a quality WR option and he'll be the lead man in a very strong trio of Sanders, Maclin, and Allen Robinson. Russell Wilson might not score between the sheets but he's pretty good at scoring between the sidelines and will probably be a reliable quarterback for this fantasy team. Having Jimmy Graham as a red zone option probably means a few more passing touchdowns at the very least for Mr. Wilson. I am a big fan of Travis Kelce and maybe I'm a big fan of this team because Kevin picked right before me half of the time and generally took the guy I wanted. Of course there's a lot that can change between draft night and week 16 of the season but it sure looks like Kevin has created a template that will allow him to play meaningful fantasy football in December this year.
Keeper Grade: B+
Draft Grade: A-
Predicted Finish: 1st
Nerf Turbos
As expected, the commish did a stellar job of drinking too much during and after the draft but before the debauchery got too out of hand, I think I did a decent job of drafting a fantasy football team. I have no beef with Lacy as my keeper and I'll be watching every Packers red zone attempt this year and hoping that he rumbles into the end zone or Randall Cobb is leaping into the Lambaeu faithful as they will be counted on more than anyone to carry my fantasy team. I'm expecting big things from Brandin Cooks and he along with Mike Evans were too enticing to pass up in rounds 3 and 4. It did cost me a decent RB2 as that spot now belongs to Jonathan Stewart, who will probably hold onto that spot for about a week before he gets hurt for the 525th time. I did what I do every year, which is grab a bunch of running backs in the middle rounds and god willing, one of them will do something for me this season. Everyone felt the need to draft a backup QB this year for some reason, which is why I had to continue to wait to grab Phil RIvers in the 11th round. Rivers is actually a good value at that spot but Phil Rivers is also a twat waffle and I really don't want to cheer for that dude's stupid face. Someone drop their backup QB already for me. When I grabbed Dan Herron in the 14th round approximately an hour after the Colts cut him, that probably should've been a sign that I needed to decline a shot when Brian Peppel handed me the bottle and it probably meant I was officially out of football knowledge at that point in the draft. I fell asleep on the floor and was trying to drag down the blankets from the bed most of the night from Kevin and that was probably just the final example of me wanting what Kevin had as I wish I had about 5 of Kevin's players. I do like my team quite a bit and ESPN seems to agree but I also am fully aware that my fantasy team, like my sobriety can go downhill in a jiffy.
Keeper Grade: A-
Draft Grade: B+
Predicted Finish: 3rd
Dick Tickling Cock Jockeys
Dave will not like looking at his team name and logo every time he logs on but I do think he should be pretty happy with the players that will represent the Cock Jockeys. Dave gambled early on LeSean McCoy as his first round pick and we've all seen how good McCoy can be but he's already questionable for week 1 and that could be the first of many bits of bad news about McCoy in Buffalo. I think Lamar Miller is a borderline RB1 and if he can get the rock around the goalline a little more this year, he could be a really nice player for Dave. If McCoy and Miller are jogging to the sideline while their team has the ball inside the 5 yard line, it's going to be a long and frustrating season for Cress. Drew Brees is starting to slow down but he'll be a fine QB and Dave will hope that he and Colston can keep the chemistry alive for one more year in the bayou. Dave does have a pretty strong bench with Spiller, Roddy White, Randle, Sproles, and Gates all providing a lot of potential, if they can stay healthy, which is a big if, admittedly. Poor Dave has suffered more humiliation in this fantasy league than he should have and although I don't think he'll get his revenge this year, I do think Dave will be able to change his team name back to a semi-respectable one when he finishes in the 6th-8th place range in the regular season.
Keeper Grade: B
Draft Grade: B-
Predicted Finish: 7th
Demaryius Targaryen
Jordan has a pretty solid team name but I am afraid this will be the last season he'll be able to use it. This is the last place team for 2015 according to my calculations. Of course my opinion doesn't mean much and who knows, maybe this team emerges as a good one but I just don't see it happening. DT is a top five receiver in the game, which is why I was surprised to see Jordan grab Alshon Jeffrey with his first pick instead of Forsett. Jordan did land a running back soon after but I am nervous that Mark Ingram is not going to be the answer that Jordan wants at his RB1 spot. Ingram did look pretty good last year but he's probably not going to play a lot of games if history tells us anything. Again, this isn't a terrible draft strategy but it gets much more shaky when Jordan decided to take a running back coming off a torn ACL as his RB2. Gurley will probably be a decent RB2 in our league but it might not be until week 8 before he gets in a groove. Everyone seemed to like Jordan's pick of Amari Cooper and I was a big fan of his patience to grab Roethlisberger but there seems to be a little more potential for disaster on this team than Jordan would like. If this team can stay on the field, the talent is very clear but I think that Jordan's going to spend a lot of time making bids on players after a handful of his starters get injured early in the year.
Keeper Grade: B
Draft Grade: C-
Predicted Finish: 12th
Dirk Diggler
I was a little surprised when our defending champ didn't take Matt Ryan with his #1 pick only because I think J.P. loves Matt Ryan more than any other living creature on planet earth. diZerega waited until the 50th overall selection to take him and while we all thought that this was probably a reach, we also all thought that Ryan and J.P. could be raising the Granger Cup together again because they are unstoppable together. It'll be interesting to see if DeMarco Murray can come close to his 2014 numbers and he'll get plenty of chances to prove he's no fluke in Philly. Justin Forsett will also try to prove the doubters wrong this season and if he's close to as good this year as he was last year, J.P. will be rewarded for his faith. I'm not sure about J.P.'s receiver corps as DeSean Jackson, Marshall, and Steve Smith could be hurt or too damn old most of the year. Having Vic Cruz and Doug Baldwin as fallback options isn't exactly reassuring, either. Of course after round 7 it's hard to know what you are going to get with any pick so we should probably just trust that it will work out for J.P. in the end and he'll be taking our money eventually. I think this roster has too many potential holes to win it all again but I also think that J.P. has a genie bottle on his dresser that he can rub at any point to get another championship t-shirt this year, too.
Keeper Grade: B+
Draft Grade: C
Predicted Finish: 11th
I'm Your Huckleberry
I don't know exactly what it would be like to co-own a fantasy football team with Castillo but if I were to guess, I would assume we would be trading punches with each other by round 9 of the draft. Every time Castillo was high on a pick of his, I thought he was looney tunes. Whenever Castillo hated his picks, I thought they were actually really smart. It appears that we are both of opposite minds of football talent in 2015 right now. I can't complain about his keeper of Le'Veon Bell and we both liked T.Y. Hilton but I can't think of many reasons why Frank Gore is going to be any good this season. I also think Castillo took Tony Romo about three rounds too early. Castillo was pretty bummed to plug Golden Tate into his WR2 slot but I think he's a great option, personally. I think we were both a big fan of the Doug Martin pick the following round and if Martin has laid off the Arby's, which some attribute his awful 2014 season to, he could regain his status as a reliable running back. The late round picks for Castillo weren't incredibly good or bad in my opinion but then again, my opinion seems to vary wildly to what Castillo thinks so we'll just agree to disagree and see how this season plays out in order to determine who had the better football intuition on draft day.
Keeper Grade: A-
Draft Grade: B-
Predicted Finish: 8th
Thanks to all of those that made it up to Black Hawk for the night and I hope we can do it again next year. Also, thanks to those that didn't make the ride up but did make it to a computer with minimal problems during the draft. Even though the lining in my stomach has been torn away a little each of the 17 toilet visits I've had since the draft, a long hangover and loose stool is more than worth it. I say this every year but my spare time is reducing every season so I'll still attempt to check in with everyone on a weekly basis but the content might be less consistent and less coherent this year than years before. I hope everyone is excited for the 15th season of Dirty Dozen fantasy football and I better have at least a dozen drinks with everyone in this league before it's all over.
I'll leave you with the ESPN draft grades that were unedited, thank you very much. Hope they are more right about these grades than Chris Mortensen was about the deflategate scandal.
Draft Grade: C
Predicted Finish: 11th
I'm Your Huckleberry
I don't know exactly what it would be like to co-own a fantasy football team with Castillo but if I were to guess, I would assume we would be trading punches with each other by round 9 of the draft. Every time Castillo was high on a pick of his, I thought he was looney tunes. Whenever Castillo hated his picks, I thought they were actually really smart. It appears that we are both of opposite minds of football talent in 2015 right now. I can't complain about his keeper of Le'Veon Bell and we both liked T.Y. Hilton but I can't think of many reasons why Frank Gore is going to be any good this season. I also think Castillo took Tony Romo about three rounds too early. Castillo was pretty bummed to plug Golden Tate into his WR2 slot but I think he's a great option, personally. I think we were both a big fan of the Doug Martin pick the following round and if Martin has laid off the Arby's, which some attribute his awful 2014 season to, he could regain his status as a reliable running back. The late round picks for Castillo weren't incredibly good or bad in my opinion but then again, my opinion seems to vary wildly to what Castillo thinks so we'll just agree to disagree and see how this season plays out in order to determine who had the better football intuition on draft day.
Keeper Grade: A-
Draft Grade: B-
Predicted Finish: 8th
Thanks to all of those that made it up to Black Hawk for the night and I hope we can do it again next year. Also, thanks to those that didn't make the ride up but did make it to a computer with minimal problems during the draft. Even though the lining in my stomach has been torn away a little each of the 17 toilet visits I've had since the draft, a long hangover and loose stool is more than worth it. I say this every year but my spare time is reducing every season so I'll still attempt to check in with everyone on a weekly basis but the content might be less consistent and less coherent this year than years before. I hope everyone is excited for the 15th season of Dirty Dozen fantasy football and I better have at least a dozen drinks with everyone in this league before it's all over.
I'll leave you with the ESPN draft grades that were unedited, thank you very much. Hope they are more right about these grades than Chris Mortensen was about the deflategate scandal.