There is one way to guarantee continued life in the fantasy football playoffs and that is scoring more points than anyone
else in the league, which Jordan Marvel did this week. There is also a way to guarantee certain death in the playoffs, and that is score the least amount of points, which Zach Suer did. Jordan’s team showed us flashes of excellence earlier this year, which was on full display as he eliminated our top team and Fanning was able to do enough and top that critical 100 point barrier, which was enough to enter him into the Week 16 main event.
#1 I’m Your Huckleberry vs. #5 Demaryius Targaryen
Castillo’s team had scored the most points in our league to date but they were playing against the most explosive player at the highest scoring position, which meant one man could bring down our best team. That one man was Cameron Jerrell Newton and Cam helped Jordan and many other fantasy owners reach their league’s super bowl. Newton’s 51.6 points is the highest we’ve seen in D12’s playoff history and was more than enough to lead the Targaryens to victory.
Castillo was hoping for anything but a shootout in the Giants-Panthers game and while he was cursing at the Giants D for letting Newton do whatever he wanted, he at least was able to get decent points from Carolina's D. That was until the Panthers D let the Giants back in the game, which not only forced Newton to stay in the game and look to score but also drained Castillo’s point total down to -2 when the game was over. Castillo did make a smart QB and TE move with Tyrod Taylor scoring 31.3 while Jordan Reed scored 20.4 but when Jordan Marvel started pouring on the points in the afternoon, the rout was on and our regular season champ was vanquished to the consolation bracket.
Of course Newton is a huge reason Jordan will play for the Granger Cup but Jordan could’ve started almost any QB this week and he still would’ve won. Jordan’s 36.9 point win was helped by huge games from Demaryius and Cooper and Jordan was able to avoid any duds (with the exception of Richard Rodgers) and duds have been the main reason Jordan has lost any of his games this year. For Castillo, he won’t go home empty handed but he also won’t go home with the hardware this year. Castillo kept screaming the safe word of “Reaaaddddyyyyyy!!!!” begging Cam and Jordan to stop DP-ing him but they never relented and kept thrusting more points into Castillo until Jordan thoroughly emptied his scrotum sack and climaxed to the finals.
#3 Denver Donkey Punches vs. #7 Westminster Warriors
Finding reliable kickers and D/ST units isn’t always easy but Zach was able to separate himself from most other teams on a weekly basis because he outscored most of us by a lot in the K and D/ST spots. If his team was a little healthier and a little more consistent, Suer would’ve probably been a more formidable threat in the playoffs but a beat up backfield and unreliable receiving group reduced the margin of error for his kicker and D. Playing the Broncos D is never a bad idea but I’m sure Zach kept his expectations in check when they traveled to Pittsburgh to take on the Steelers. After a solid first half, the Broncos again crumbled in the last 30 minutes to barf up another win and give Suer only 4 points from the best D in our league. When McManus missed a PAT and didn’t attempt a FG, it meant a zero for that position, and those lack of points was the difference in this one. Of course Zach might kick himself for starting Shorts over Matthews but with Matthews being maddenly inconsistent and up against Patrick Peterson, nobody would’ve predicted 21.9 points. That was 21.9 more than Shorts but this start/sit decision speaks more to the unreliability of Zach’s receiving options than a stupid coaching move, at least in my opinion. Regardless, I'm guessing Zach was running around his house launching his head and punching household items like he was Odell Beckham Jr. on Sunday afternoon.
Fanning was able to get a combined 34 points from his awesome kicker and very good D, which was 30 more than the Donkey Punches. Bortles was playing good but not great against the Falcons and with the Warriors backfield scoring less than 10 combined points, it wasn’t looking great for Jeff in the morning. It all changed in the afternoon as Lockett scored, Boldin scored, the Bengals D forced turnovers, and with the big early games from New England’s G-Unit (Gronk and Gostkowski), Fanning was setup with a huge 45 point lead going into Monday night. The Saints D can make for historic performances on the other side of the ball and when Stafford scored three times in the first half, I’m assuming Suer allowed himself to dream of an improbable comeback victory while Fanning started perspiring a bit. Suer still needed 21 points from Stafford in the second half, which is asking a ton, and with the Lions already up big, Stafford wasn’t forced to pass all that much. No more TD’s came from Fat Matt’s arm, which meant this almost impossible comeback victory remained impossible and Fanning was able to shift his attention to winning another Granger Cup.
Fantasy Bowl XVI Pregame Show
We usually break down the Fantasy Bowl later in the week but since Christmas Eve and Christmas fall on the same dates as the Fantasy Bowl preview would, we’ll take care of this right now. I don’t want to type this shit up during Christmas just like you don’t want to read about it, so let us take a quick look at our Fantasy Bowl XV matchup.
#5 Demaryius Targaryen vs. #7 Westminster Warriors
Both of these teams have scored over 100 points in in every matchup this playoff season and its likely going to take triple digits to take home the Cup in this one. It’s easy and lazy to predict a winner based on the starting quarterbacks but that position will be the biggest factor in this one. Cam Newton is playing better football than anyone else in the league and if he continues on his MVP pace, he’s going to give Jordan at least 30 points. Bortles is no Cam Newton but he is playing the oft-mentioned downy soft Saints D, which means Bortles can strut to the center of the ring and attempt to trade punches with Cam on Sunday.
Predicted QB Score: DT 34 WW 30
Jordan would seemingly have the running back advantage but both of his current backs have a solid wall to run through this week. Gurley isn’t getting many YPC these days and that figures to decrease again when he gets stuffed repeatedly against the Seahawks front seven. Jordan might go with Bernard as his RB2 against the Broncos but he might find a better alternative on the waiver wire, so we’ll see. Jordan might not know where the waiver wire is on our website so chances are Bernard will get the start. Chris Ivory has slowed down much like Gurley and just like Gurley, I think Ivory will need a touchdown to matter in this matchup. Karlos Williams is pretty good when he gets the ball and he’s now the #1 guy and if Karlos with a K can stay on the field, he should be a nice playoff pickup.
RB Score: DT 15 WW 21
Jordan also has the talent advantage at the wide receiver position but the matchups for both Jordan and Fanning aren’t great. With no obvious cupcake matchups for any receiver, I trust the household names more and Demaryius, Alshon, and Amari are much more trustworthy names than Willie, Anquan, and Tyler. I expect Jordan to get about 15 more points from his receivers than Fanning does, which will all be negated when Gronk outscores whatever insufficient tight end Jordan tosses out there.
WR Score: DT 32 WW 17
TE Score: DT 3 WW 18
The D/ST and kicker battles are obviously tough to gauge but I guess Jordan has the overall advantage, which is a shot in the dark. The Seahawks will probably have a better day but there’s no doubt Gostkowski can be counted on more than Janikowski in the battle of the kicking Ski’s. I'll give the Seakawks a pick 6 in this matchup to be the big difference.
D/ST Score: DT 17 WW 9
K Score: DT 8 WW 12
Fantasy Bowl Prediction: Now that the commish is 6-0 picking the winners in the playoffs, I really should be charging you for my pick at this point but since it’s Christmas and I’m a giving soul, you will get Romer’s Lock of the Week of the Year of the Century free of charge.
Jordan and Fanning will start stressing Thursday with two players playing in California and the Granger Cup might be decided at Mile High Stadium with Bernard, DT, and the Cincy D all on the field sponsored by Sports Authority. If you’ve been doing the math above you will calculate that the commish thinks the winner will score 109 and the loser will score 107 to decide Fantasy Bowl XVI. Momentum really doesn’t mean much in fantasy football, especially in playoff time but there’s no questioning that Jordan’s team is on a roll right now. Fanning’s team is playing well and this one is going to be decided on a very important MNF game, which means Jordan and Jeff might want to tell the wife, kid, and dog to go over to their mother’s house on Monday so they can lose their fucking shit at the TV all night long. When it’s over, the Broncos will have a clutch win and Jordan will have his first Granger Cup. It’ll be very close but Jordan Marvel will get his hand raised in the end as champion and have the excitement run through and out of him.
else in the league, which Jordan Marvel did this week. There is also a way to guarantee certain death in the playoffs, and that is score the least amount of points, which Zach Suer did. Jordan’s team showed us flashes of excellence earlier this year, which was on full display as he eliminated our top team and Fanning was able to do enough and top that critical 100 point barrier, which was enough to enter him into the Week 16 main event.
#1 I’m Your Huckleberry vs. #5 Demaryius Targaryen
Castillo’s team had scored the most points in our league to date but they were playing against the most explosive player at the highest scoring position, which meant one man could bring down our best team. That one man was Cameron Jerrell Newton and Cam helped Jordan and many other fantasy owners reach their league’s super bowl. Newton’s 51.6 points is the highest we’ve seen in D12’s playoff history and was more than enough to lead the Targaryens to victory.
Castillo was hoping for anything but a shootout in the Giants-Panthers game and while he was cursing at the Giants D for letting Newton do whatever he wanted, he at least was able to get decent points from Carolina's D. That was until the Panthers D let the Giants back in the game, which not only forced Newton to stay in the game and look to score but also drained Castillo’s point total down to -2 when the game was over. Castillo did make a smart QB and TE move with Tyrod Taylor scoring 31.3 while Jordan Reed scored 20.4 but when Jordan Marvel started pouring on the points in the afternoon, the rout was on and our regular season champ was vanquished to the consolation bracket.
Of course Newton is a huge reason Jordan will play for the Granger Cup but Jordan could’ve started almost any QB this week and he still would’ve won. Jordan’s 36.9 point win was helped by huge games from Demaryius and Cooper and Jordan was able to avoid any duds (with the exception of Richard Rodgers) and duds have been the main reason Jordan has lost any of his games this year. For Castillo, he won’t go home empty handed but he also won’t go home with the hardware this year. Castillo kept screaming the safe word of “Reaaaddddyyyyyy!!!!” begging Cam and Jordan to stop DP-ing him but they never relented and kept thrusting more points into Castillo until Jordan thoroughly emptied his scrotum sack and climaxed to the finals.
#3 Denver Donkey Punches vs. #7 Westminster Warriors
Finding reliable kickers and D/ST units isn’t always easy but Zach was able to separate himself from most other teams on a weekly basis because he outscored most of us by a lot in the K and D/ST spots. If his team was a little healthier and a little more consistent, Suer would’ve probably been a more formidable threat in the playoffs but a beat up backfield and unreliable receiving group reduced the margin of error for his kicker and D. Playing the Broncos D is never a bad idea but I’m sure Zach kept his expectations in check when they traveled to Pittsburgh to take on the Steelers. After a solid first half, the Broncos again crumbled in the last 30 minutes to barf up another win and give Suer only 4 points from the best D in our league. When McManus missed a PAT and didn’t attempt a FG, it meant a zero for that position, and those lack of points was the difference in this one. Of course Zach might kick himself for starting Shorts over Matthews but with Matthews being maddenly inconsistent and up against Patrick Peterson, nobody would’ve predicted 21.9 points. That was 21.9 more than Shorts but this start/sit decision speaks more to the unreliability of Zach’s receiving options than a stupid coaching move, at least in my opinion. Regardless, I'm guessing Zach was running around his house launching his head and punching household items like he was Odell Beckham Jr. on Sunday afternoon.
Fanning was able to get a combined 34 points from his awesome kicker and very good D, which was 30 more than the Donkey Punches. Bortles was playing good but not great against the Falcons and with the Warriors backfield scoring less than 10 combined points, it wasn’t looking great for Jeff in the morning. It all changed in the afternoon as Lockett scored, Boldin scored, the Bengals D forced turnovers, and with the big early games from New England’s G-Unit (Gronk and Gostkowski), Fanning was setup with a huge 45 point lead going into Monday night. The Saints D can make for historic performances on the other side of the ball and when Stafford scored three times in the first half, I’m assuming Suer allowed himself to dream of an improbable comeback victory while Fanning started perspiring a bit. Suer still needed 21 points from Stafford in the second half, which is asking a ton, and with the Lions already up big, Stafford wasn’t forced to pass all that much. No more TD’s came from Fat Matt’s arm, which meant this almost impossible comeback victory remained impossible and Fanning was able to shift his attention to winning another Granger Cup.
Fantasy Bowl XVI Pregame Show
We usually break down the Fantasy Bowl later in the week but since Christmas Eve and Christmas fall on the same dates as the Fantasy Bowl preview would, we’ll take care of this right now. I don’t want to type this shit up during Christmas just like you don’t want to read about it, so let us take a quick look at our Fantasy Bowl XV matchup.
#5 Demaryius Targaryen vs. #7 Westminster Warriors
Both of these teams have scored over 100 points in in every matchup this playoff season and its likely going to take triple digits to take home the Cup in this one. It’s easy and lazy to predict a winner based on the starting quarterbacks but that position will be the biggest factor in this one. Cam Newton is playing better football than anyone else in the league and if he continues on his MVP pace, he’s going to give Jordan at least 30 points. Bortles is no Cam Newton but he is playing the oft-mentioned downy soft Saints D, which means Bortles can strut to the center of the ring and attempt to trade punches with Cam on Sunday.
Predicted QB Score: DT 34 WW 30
Jordan would seemingly have the running back advantage but both of his current backs have a solid wall to run through this week. Gurley isn’t getting many YPC these days and that figures to decrease again when he gets stuffed repeatedly against the Seahawks front seven. Jordan might go with Bernard as his RB2 against the Broncos but he might find a better alternative on the waiver wire, so we’ll see. Jordan might not know where the waiver wire is on our website so chances are Bernard will get the start. Chris Ivory has slowed down much like Gurley and just like Gurley, I think Ivory will need a touchdown to matter in this matchup. Karlos Williams is pretty good when he gets the ball and he’s now the #1 guy and if Karlos with a K can stay on the field, he should be a nice playoff pickup.
RB Score: DT 15 WW 21
Jordan also has the talent advantage at the wide receiver position but the matchups for both Jordan and Fanning aren’t great. With no obvious cupcake matchups for any receiver, I trust the household names more and Demaryius, Alshon, and Amari are much more trustworthy names than Willie, Anquan, and Tyler. I expect Jordan to get about 15 more points from his receivers than Fanning does, which will all be negated when Gronk outscores whatever insufficient tight end Jordan tosses out there.
WR Score: DT 32 WW 17
TE Score: DT 3 WW 18
The D/ST and kicker battles are obviously tough to gauge but I guess Jordan has the overall advantage, which is a shot in the dark. The Seahawks will probably have a better day but there’s no doubt Gostkowski can be counted on more than Janikowski in the battle of the kicking Ski’s. I'll give the Seakawks a pick 6 in this matchup to be the big difference.
D/ST Score: DT 17 WW 9
K Score: DT 8 WW 12
Fantasy Bowl Prediction: Now that the commish is 6-0 picking the winners in the playoffs, I really should be charging you for my pick at this point but since it’s Christmas and I’m a giving soul, you will get Romer’s Lock of the Week of the Year of the Century free of charge.
Jordan and Fanning will start stressing Thursday with two players playing in California and the Granger Cup might be decided at Mile High Stadium with Bernard, DT, and the Cincy D all on the field sponsored by Sports Authority. If you’ve been doing the math above you will calculate that the commish thinks the winner will score 109 and the loser will score 107 to decide Fantasy Bowl XVI. Momentum really doesn’t mean much in fantasy football, especially in playoff time but there’s no questioning that Jordan’s team is on a roll right now. Fanning’s team is playing well and this one is going to be decided on a very important MNF game, which means Jordan and Jeff might want to tell the wife, kid, and dog to go over to their mother’s house on Monday so they can lose their fucking shit at the TV all night long. When it’s over, the Broncos will have a clutch win and Jordan will have his first Granger Cup. It’ll be very close but Jordan Marvel will get his hand raised in the end as champion and have the excitement run through and out of him.
Maybe you’ll be back here next week to see who is our 2015 champion and I will give you a quick recap and also provide the State of the Dirty Dozen address. I hope you will join this D12 farewell party with me and I hope Santa’s fat, pasty ass gives you whatever might fill the void that your D12 team failed to do this year.