If you ever wanted to trick you wife, girlfriend, or family into thinking you care more about them than watching football, week 7 was a tremendous opportunity to ignore football on TV and spend some quality time with them. The lack of marquee matchups and quality football made us want to drown in our tears of sorrow yet again and continue the negative path we went on in last week's D12 recap. Instead, I think we should all pop in some anti-depressant pills and look on the bright side of being a member of this fantasy football league and a spectator of NFL football. I'm going to put on a sweater vest, sit each of you down, look you in the eye, and lift your spirits on all the wonderful things you are doing wonderfully in this wonderful league.
Dan Burke: Despite being a founding father and dedicated D12 member, Danny has never been able to combine the right amount of skill and luck to etch his name into the Granger Cup. That could change in 2016 as he has enough pieces in place to win some regular season and post season cash if the skill on this team stays healthy and the opponents on his schedule continue to falter. Hate him or hate him more, Rivers continues to put up numbers no matter which no-name receiver he’s throwing to, the Vikings D continues to play smear the queer every Sunday afternoon, and Julio Jones and Amari Cooper continue to brutally toss defenders around like Bebop and Rocksteady.
There's still plenty of football to play and potential disasters to avoid but right now it looks like the Hiccups look primed to shed our perception of being the Fuckups of D12 football.
Jerome DeFelice: I could sit here and talk about how David Johnson is my new favorite player and the best RB in D12 by a lot. I could gloat to everyone about how my wide receiver combination of A.J. Green and Mike Evans is the best our league has to offer. I could pat myself on the back for owning the top tight end in our league. I could remind all of you of these factors but instead I’m going to be magnanimous and turn my personal success into a personal thank you to the rest of the owners in this league. Thanks to most of you for declining any of my trade offers earlier in the season because without your trade declines, I wouldn’t have the uber talented roster I now possess. Without your fear of getting duped, I would have instead given away a lot of great players for unequal return so next time I send you an offer, please decline and call me an idiot, or just ignore them like you do already. Thank you.
Coran Marvstone: Jay Ajayi is that $20 bill that you find crumpled up in your jean pockets out of nowhere. Ajayi has gone from a forgotten man in the FA pool to an RB that got these guys 60 points the last two weeks. Every year there is one player that everyone could’ve gotten multiple times and if these guys don’t need an injury replacement on Sunday morning, they probably would’ve passed on Ajayi just like everyone else did. Ajayi is now a very real running back threat for this team and this found $20 bill is really helping these guys come closer to earning a stack of $20’s if they keep on winning.
J.P. diZerega: Having three of the top five running backs is something that’s probably never happened in this league and J.P. gets to start all three of them every week thanks to the glorious wonders of the flex position. J.P. now has three very enticing trade chips since 20 carry bell cow backs are now rarer than wife beating kickers in the NFL. J.P. can now attempt to flip one of these guys for help in the WR department or just hold onto all of them and continue to wear opposing teams out on the ground. J.P. also has a wide grin spectating football on Saturdays for a change as the CU Buffs look like an actual, real life decent football team this season.
Dave Cress: Drew Brees is much like the overweight girl at the bar whose friends are trying to talk their desperate guy friends into dating. She’s ugly on the outside but pretty wonderful on the inside, just trust me. Drew Brees has a reputation of being butt ugly when playing outside but he put on some makeup, put on a belly band, and looked presentable this week with 30 fantasy points in the elements Arrowhead Stadium. Brees is about a sure thing as you can get this year and now that Dez is back in the fold, Dave’s trio of Cooks, Thomas, and Bryant will try to be a threesome that Dave lusts over the rest of the season.
Meyer: It’s rare that an owner would want his keeper to stay on the IR but I’m wondering if Meyer is considering a road trip to Kansas City to convince Andy Reid to keep Jamaal Charles sidelined. This would allow Spencer Ware to keep his RB1 status in KC and D12 and help Meyer’s Sunday morning coaching decisions and his weekly point totals. Spencer is taking short passes to the (Ware)house all year long and along with LaGarrette Blount has turned a very unstable backfield on draft night into one of our best in the league. Meyer has gotten a lot of enhanced performances from unlikely sources this year which might inspire fellow owners to call for a piss test and luckily for all of us, the Dirty Dozen facilitates these urine tests before, after, and even during the game.
Jerome DeFelice: I could sit here and talk about how David Johnson is my new favorite player and the best RB in D12 by a lot. I could gloat to everyone about how my wide receiver combination of A.J. Green and Mike Evans is the best our league has to offer. I could pat myself on the back for owning the top tight end in our league. I could remind all of you of these factors but instead I’m going to be magnanimous and turn my personal success into a personal thank you to the rest of the owners in this league. Thanks to most of you for declining any of my trade offers earlier in the season because without your trade declines, I wouldn’t have the uber talented roster I now possess. Without your fear of getting duped, I would have instead given away a lot of great players for unequal return so next time I send you an offer, please decline and call me an idiot, or just ignore them like you do already. Thank you.
Coran Marvstone: Jay Ajayi is that $20 bill that you find crumpled up in your jean pockets out of nowhere. Ajayi has gone from a forgotten man in the FA pool to an RB that got these guys 60 points the last two weeks. Every year there is one player that everyone could’ve gotten multiple times and if these guys don’t need an injury replacement on Sunday morning, they probably would’ve passed on Ajayi just like everyone else did. Ajayi is now a very real running back threat for this team and this found $20 bill is really helping these guys come closer to earning a stack of $20’s if they keep on winning.
J.P. diZerega: Having three of the top five running backs is something that’s probably never happened in this league and J.P. gets to start all three of them every week thanks to the glorious wonders of the flex position. J.P. now has three very enticing trade chips since 20 carry bell cow backs are now rarer than wife beating kickers in the NFL. J.P. can now attempt to flip one of these guys for help in the WR department or just hold onto all of them and continue to wear opposing teams out on the ground. J.P. also has a wide grin spectating football on Saturdays for a change as the CU Buffs look like an actual, real life decent football team this season.
Dave Cress: Drew Brees is much like the overweight girl at the bar whose friends are trying to talk their desperate guy friends into dating. She’s ugly on the outside but pretty wonderful on the inside, just trust me. Drew Brees has a reputation of being butt ugly when playing outside but he put on some makeup, put on a belly band, and looked presentable this week with 30 fantasy points in the elements Arrowhead Stadium. Brees is about a sure thing as you can get this year and now that Dez is back in the fold, Dave’s trio of Cooks, Thomas, and Bryant will try to be a threesome that Dave lusts over the rest of the season.
Meyer: It’s rare that an owner would want his keeper to stay on the IR but I’m wondering if Meyer is considering a road trip to Kansas City to convince Andy Reid to keep Jamaal Charles sidelined. This would allow Spencer Ware to keep his RB1 status in KC and D12 and help Meyer’s Sunday morning coaching decisions and his weekly point totals. Spencer is taking short passes to the (Ware)house all year long and along with LaGarrette Blount has turned a very unstable backfield on draft night into one of our best in the league. Meyer has gotten a lot of enhanced performances from unlikely sources this year which might inspire fellow owners to call for a piss test and luckily for all of us, the Dirty Dozen facilitates these urine tests before, after, and even during the game.
Mike Castillo: There are some players that put up huge numbers and still probably don’t get the credit they deserve. We know that Le'Veon Bell is really good just by looking at his weekly boxscore that includes a ton of carries, receptions, and yards but you have to watch him play to appreciate how damn good this man is at football. He gets at least two extra yards no matter where he’s hit and is the rare back that can blow through or past defenders at all times. T.Y. Hilton has always been a straight-line receiver but has added a new dimension this year as he’s running shorter routes and seems to have squashed his all-or-nothing fantasy reputation. Great possibilities lie ahead if this team can avoid the huge down weeks and Le’Veon can avoid McGruff the Crime Dog and not get busted for drug consumption the rest of the year.
Chris Marvel: Every year Chris steps on the D12 treadmill and sets the resistance to the highest possible level. Year after year, without fail, Chris will play against a top scoring team every week and this year is no different as he has the 2nd most points against. The good news is there’s no rhyme or reason to year-to-year or week-to-week points against luck which is great news for Chris being that he’s scored the 2nd most points in our league so far. The wins and losses should be much different for Chris, as usual, who plugs in his PS2 and plays D12 football in All Madden mode constantly. The good news to all of this Rocky Balboa training is that once the wave of shit luck starts to turn in the other direction, Chris has a strong team that can contend for some points scored trophies in the regular season and the big, shiny gold trophy that goes to our postseason champion.
Jeff Fanning: Fanning’s got us right where he wants us. If anyone knows how to play possum it’s Jeff Fanning and he’s back at it again this year. The game plan of lying in the weeds until playoff time is ready to go now that Fanning is playing for his playoff life. Forte’s schedule will soften (potentially along with his tendons after 30 carries), Christine Michael finally gives this team some RB stability while sending Yeldon to the bench, and Devontae Booker is looking stronger every game and could be the main man come D12 playoff season. Jordy and Marvin Jones are a pretty darn good receiving duo and for as much adversity as Andrew Luck faces every week, he is one tough cookie that continues to put up fantasy points. Yeah, we’ll all forget about Fanning for now but will quickly be reminded come December that this team is slowly charging all year to flip at the right time and dial up another championship, just like Andrew Luck’s flip phone.
Jeff Fanning: Fanning’s got us right where he wants us. If anyone knows how to play possum it’s Jeff Fanning and he’s back at it again this year. The game plan of lying in the weeds until playoff time is ready to go now that Fanning is playing for his playoff life. Forte’s schedule will soften (potentially along with his tendons after 30 carries), Christine Michael finally gives this team some RB stability while sending Yeldon to the bench, and Devontae Booker is looking stronger every game and could be the main man come D12 playoff season. Jordy and Marvin Jones are a pretty darn good receiving duo and for as much adversity as Andrew Luck faces every week, he is one tough cookie that continues to put up fantasy points. Yeah, we’ll all forget about Fanning for now but will quickly be reminded come December that this team is slowly charging all year to flip at the right time and dial up another championship, just like Andrew Luck’s flip phone.
Jordan Marvel: On a random day, inspiration struck George Costanza, who on the spot decided to live his life opposite of every instinct he had and suddenly, everything started working out beautifully for him. With many of Jordan’s fantasy football roster instincts going badly for him, he decided to do the opposite of what a successful franchise would do by naming his team Dead Last. The result was a big win over his older brother and possibly the start of a Costanza-like rebound and rebuild for this team. It sure looks like the players drafted to be backups are better than the initial starters so expect some weird lineup construction and potential crazy up and down weeks as Jordan tries to do the opposite of finishing dead last the rest of the way and Costanza his way into the playoffs.
Peppel Brothers: We used to be able to call co-workers out on their horrible performance based on stupid decisions but now we must refer to idiotic choices as “teachable moments”. There’s been plenty of teachable moments for the Pep’s this year and the biggest takeaway for these two is probably learning that Eli Manning is the most frustrating fantasy QB. There are certainly worse QB’s but no other quarterback can string fantasy owners along like Eli. He’s almost too good to drop but never good enough to win you a fantasy game. Mike and Brian have now been taught to never draft Eli again unless their goal is to lose as many fantasy games as possible. The Peppel’s also learned that wide receivers can fail to live up to expectations with great QB’s, like Rodgers-Cobb and absolute wastes of money, like Osweiler-Hopkins. So we just turned lemons into lemonade and just turned this epic failure of a season into a teachable moment that will make these brothers smarter and better fantasy owners for years to come.
Kevin Petty: It would be an insult to Kevin to try to spin any of what happened this year into a positive. No one on his roster ranks in the top 10 at their position and Kevin is looking straight down the barrel of potentially the most embarrassing D12 season ever. But, on the bright side, he’s joined the elite company of Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, and Alfonso Soriano as members of the 40/40 club. Petty has now scored in the 40’s not just twice in one season, but accomplished this feat in back-to-back weeks. Kevin could’ve combined his scores from weeks 7 and 8 (85.6 total points) and still only beaten one team last week. The good news in all of this Mr. Petty is you can now become a better human being. No longer do you need to waste time looking for the right free agent fill-in at work. Instead, you can focus on your job and get that performance merit increase at the end of the fiscal year. You can now chase the kids in the backyard instead of caring about the morning football slate and then you can impress the wife by cooking her a meal on Monday night instead of seeing if your team will pull out a win. By the end of the year you will be a better employee, friend, father, and husband and you’ll have the massively disappointing Russell Wilson, Allen Robinson, and Co. to thank for all of it.
Kevin Petty: It would be an insult to Kevin to try to spin any of what happened this year into a positive. No one on his roster ranks in the top 10 at their position and Kevin is looking straight down the barrel of potentially the most embarrassing D12 season ever. But, on the bright side, he’s joined the elite company of Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, and Alfonso Soriano as members of the 40/40 club. Petty has now scored in the 40’s not just twice in one season, but accomplished this feat in back-to-back weeks. Kevin could’ve combined his scores from weeks 7 and 8 (85.6 total points) and still only beaten one team last week. The good news in all of this Mr. Petty is you can now become a better human being. No longer do you need to waste time looking for the right free agent fill-in at work. Instead, you can focus on your job and get that performance merit increase at the end of the fiscal year. You can now chase the kids in the backyard instead of caring about the morning football slate and then you can impress the wife by cooking her a meal on Monday night instead of seeing if your team will pull out a win. By the end of the year you will be a better employee, friend, father, and husband and you’ll have the massively disappointing Russell Wilson, Allen Robinson, and Co. to thank for all of it.