Like most activities, the days of us getting together on a Sunday, pulling out a mattress, drinking some Stone Cold Budweiser’s, and generally acting like a pack of hyenas are all gone. More of our Sunday time is allocated to brunches, supervising your children, or trying not to get a DUI on the way home from Mile High now which means we aren't able to do things like sit and fart into the same couch cushions on Sunday while we complain about football. Even though we didn't watch the games together, I was able to obtain audio of each owner in this league as they watched their teams in week 1. We’ll take a listen to these soundbites below and get everyone’s reaction to their D12 fantasy team this week.
Dave: “Hello, Kinkos, my name is Dave Cress and I was wondering if you guys are able to take a screen print of an ESPN fantasy football page, blow it up to a 10 feet by 15 feet poster, and have that installed on my bedroom wall. Sorry, this is the first time I’ve ever been in first place in the league and I would like to capture this moment because it will probably never happen again. I’d also like to create personal thank you cards for Drew Brees, Brandin Cooks, and DeAngelo Williams. Please allow me to include a spritz of my Michael Jordan brand cologne.”
Jerome: “I think my team is playing pretty well but it’s really hard to know as long as ESPN’s app is shoved directly up Matthew Berry’s balding asshole. What in the fucking fuck, you guys? I can’t ever remember who is on my team so I am not entirely sure if that Mike Evans touchdown is going to help or hurt me. Good thing I created a website dedicated to a fantasy baseball and football league and good thing I posted a way too long draft grade post that shows our rosters. Good thing I spend lots of time on the important things in life. “
Fanning: “Would love to get excited about defending my title but it’s tough to do when your keeper got injured playing flip cup, putting on a tank top, or whatever the fuck Gronk does during the day. Oh well, at least the Colts D is as disjointed as Jim Irsay’s personal life, which means Andrew Luck will be playing from behind and getting me lots of fantasy points. Doesn’t hurt that A.J. Green is cuckholding Revis all day. 1-0 without Gronk, I’ll go ahead and just keep the Granger Cup in my house this year again.”
Dan: “Man, I probably shouldn’t (hiccup) of had that 5th rum and coke last night and I probably (hiccup) shouldn’t be reaching for my 10th Coors Light of the (hiccup) day. Fuck that, I’m going to celebrate my team because I’m a man and I do things that men do. (Hiccup…hiccup). Hell yeah, Phil Rivers, Latavius Murray, Amari, and Kelce, I don’t care what my other douchebag friends say, you’re my (hiccup) boys for the next four months. Ride or die, AFC West rivals. I’m so drunk right now. Oh my god, look at Joe Buck’s face.”
Dave: “Hello, Kinkos, my name is Dave Cress and I was wondering if you guys are able to take a screen print of an ESPN fantasy football page, blow it up to a 10 feet by 15 feet poster, and have that installed on my bedroom wall. Sorry, this is the first time I’ve ever been in first place in the league and I would like to capture this moment because it will probably never happen again. I’d also like to create personal thank you cards for Drew Brees, Brandin Cooks, and DeAngelo Williams. Please allow me to include a spritz of my Michael Jordan brand cologne.”
Jerome: “I think my team is playing pretty well but it’s really hard to know as long as ESPN’s app is shoved directly up Matthew Berry’s balding asshole. What in the fucking fuck, you guys? I can’t ever remember who is on my team so I am not entirely sure if that Mike Evans touchdown is going to help or hurt me. Good thing I created a website dedicated to a fantasy baseball and football league and good thing I posted a way too long draft grade post that shows our rosters. Good thing I spend lots of time on the important things in life. “
Fanning: “Would love to get excited about defending my title but it’s tough to do when your keeper got injured playing flip cup, putting on a tank top, or whatever the fuck Gronk does during the day. Oh well, at least the Colts D is as disjointed as Jim Irsay’s personal life, which means Andrew Luck will be playing from behind and getting me lots of fantasy points. Doesn’t hurt that A.J. Green is cuckholding Revis all day. 1-0 without Gronk, I’ll go ahead and just keep the Granger Cup in my house this year again.”
Dan: “Man, I probably shouldn’t (hiccup) of had that 5th rum and coke last night and I probably (hiccup) shouldn’t be reaching for my 10th Coors Light of the (hiccup) day. Fuck that, I’m going to celebrate my team because I’m a man and I do things that men do. (Hiccup…hiccup). Hell yeah, Phil Rivers, Latavius Murray, Amari, and Kelce, I don’t care what my other douchebag friends say, you’re my (hiccup) boys for the next four months. Ride or die, AFC West rivals. I’m so drunk right now. Oh my god, look at Joe Buck’s face.”
J.P.: “Why in the hell did I fight this flex position thing so hard? This is awesome. Melvin Gordon scores zero touchdowns last year and he gets in the end zone twice before I can turn on my phone today. Flex yeah, buddy! DeMarco is catching touchdown passes and McCoy is getting 4th down goalline touchdowns. Makes no sense to me but neither did the flex position and I was waaaaaaaaayyy wrong on that one. Goddamn, the commish is smart and I should always listen to him. If he was here, I’d kiss him on the lips.”
Meyer: “Brady’s suspension reinstatement and Jamaal Charles’s injury came out of nowhere, like that light post. That was some shit luck but the karma is swinging back to ol' Granger’s way with a dirty, ugly win this week over the Pep’s. Hey, maybe I won’t need Brady if Jameis is just going to drop dimes all season long. I might not want Charles back either if Spencer Ware is going to do a Jamaal Charles impression every week and do it with two good ACL’s.”
Chris: “ I know fantasy football is back when I score 115 points and still lose. Fuck you fantasy football, fuck you nice and hard. At least Ingram, Langford, Woodhead, and Coleman look like viable running back options for me, which wasn’t true coming into this week. I’m sure I’ll continue to put up top 5 points every week and play a top 3 team because fuck fantasy football. I just want to win some godforsaken money in this league so I can watch a stripper twerk rather than watching Antonio Brown drop down and get his eagle on."
Meyer: “Brady’s suspension reinstatement and Jamaal Charles’s injury came out of nowhere, like that light post. That was some shit luck but the karma is swinging back to ol' Granger’s way with a dirty, ugly win this week over the Pep’s. Hey, maybe I won’t need Brady if Jameis is just going to drop dimes all season long. I might not want Charles back either if Spencer Ware is going to do a Jamaal Charles impression every week and do it with two good ACL’s.”
Chris: “ I know fantasy football is back when I score 115 points and still lose. Fuck you fantasy football, fuck you nice and hard. At least Ingram, Langford, Woodhead, and Coleman look like viable running back options for me, which wasn’t true coming into this week. I’m sure I’ll continue to put up top 5 points every week and play a top 3 team because fuck fantasy football. I just want to win some godforsaken money in this league so I can watch a stripper twerk rather than watching Antonio Brown drop down and get his eagle on."
Kevin: “If I had a time machine, I would first go back and not draft Keenan Allen and then go find time to kill Hitler. What was I thinking? I was thinking his brittle ass would maybe play more than 20 snaps, that’s what I was thinking. Oh good, Russell Wilson’s ankle did a 360 on my TV, too! Didn’t think it was possible for a wide receiver to score 7.2 points with 15 targets but it appears Blake Bortles’s game plan of just chucking it in Allen Robinson’s general direction is still the Jaguars way of life again this year.”
Corey and Loran: “How the fuck are we going to lose to Dan? We were supposed to be the dream team together and Dan was supposed to be the loser we left behind. We were going to be Biggie and Puff Daddy and he was going to be Ma$e. Why did we insist on taking the Seahawks kicker, Haushka? Was I the drunk one or were you? His last name sounds like the sound I made dry heaving this morning."
Jordan: “Glad I drafted the Broncos D but I’m going to need DeMarcus Ware to get his old ass in the game and get to Cam. Wait, Ware is younger than most everyone in this league? How can that be. My friends are old. I’m old. Well, at this rate, Cam should look like CM Punk at the end of this game, although I’ve never been happier to see my fantasy quarterback get hit about the face and head more than I do right now. The team doctors might not reveal it but I’m pretty sure that dude is concussed. He thinks he’s a couple hours away from going to the dentist office. Is this what those rappers are talking about when they refer to themselves flossing?”
Corey and Loran: “How the fuck are we going to lose to Dan? We were supposed to be the dream team together and Dan was supposed to be the loser we left behind. We were going to be Biggie and Puff Daddy and he was going to be Ma$e. Why did we insist on taking the Seahawks kicker, Haushka? Was I the drunk one or were you? His last name sounds like the sound I made dry heaving this morning."
Jordan: “Glad I drafted the Broncos D but I’m going to need DeMarcus Ware to get his old ass in the game and get to Cam. Wait, Ware is younger than most everyone in this league? How can that be. My friends are old. I’m old. Well, at this rate, Cam should look like CM Punk at the end of this game, although I’ve never been happier to see my fantasy quarterback get hit about the face and head more than I do right now. The team doctors might not reveal it but I’m pretty sure that dude is concussed. He thinks he’s a couple hours away from going to the dentist office. Is this what those rappers are talking about when they refer to themselves flossing?”
Castillo: “My RB’s are giving me the same nauseous feeling of eating at Arby’s. All four of them have combined for 8.4 points total this week. That’s very bad in my estimation. At least Kelvin Benjamin looks like a nimble Shaquille O’Neal out there, he’s a big human. Otherwise, the rest of my roster basically looks like a bloated Oliver Miller out there with the exception of Jordan Matthews, who I can’t even take seriously because he played the 53 man clusterfuck known as the Cleveland Browns.”
Peppel’s: “Shout out to the commish for predicting us to win the Granger Cup, thus thoroughly jinxing us for the entire season. Maybe we’re just the frozen burrito of fantasy football. We’re going to be hot and delicious eventually but it’s going to take some time to warm up. I have to think that Peterson and Elliot will have a little more room to run the rest of the season but I also think that I’ve seen good players go bad on our roster far too many times. Nowhere to go but up from here or we’ll be making this face at our players for the entire jinxed season.”
Peppel’s: “Shout out to the commish for predicting us to win the Granger Cup, thus thoroughly jinxing us for the entire season. Maybe we’re just the frozen burrito of fantasy football. We’re going to be hot and delicious eventually but it’s going to take some time to warm up. I have to think that Peterson and Elliot will have a little more room to run the rest of the season but I also think that I’ve seen good players go bad on our roster far too many times. Nowhere to go but up from here or we’ll be making this face at our players for the entire jinxed season.”