It's time for the D12 big dance where eight teams will enter but only one will exit with the Granger Cup. This can be the most memorable dance since you got a boner in 4th grade dancing to Color Me Badd or it can be a quick and painful dance like when you tried doing the worm at the last wedding you were at. Either way, it's time for all of us to hit the dance floor and try to thrust ourselves one round deeper into this season.
#1 You done messed With A-Aron vs. #8 Insert Zach Joke Here
We’re about to see how much matchups can affect a top team. Chris has the better players but seemingly all of them are up against a defense that specializes in shutting down that very position. If Rodgers can throw a couple touchdowns with one of them going to Devante Adams, that might be the boost Chris needs. Jordan Howard has been a revelation who will need to stay hot against the stingy Lions D-line to help this backfield now that Ingram is a hard breeze away from getting injured once again.
Corey and Loran have had an uneven season but they have some explosive talent capable of putting up big numbers. Big Ben has to play better on the road this week than he has all year and it would help if Odell Beckham ended up with plenty of caught passes instead of caught feelings about how the world hates him.
Prediction: The 1 seed comes in winners of six in a row while the 8 seed comes in losers of four straight. This should be a Stone Cold Steve Austin Led Pipe Lockmaster Pro Guarantee of the Decade but ESPN has the 8 seed as favorites here. I think superior talent shines through but not before giving Chris a serious scare. Chris escapes 96-92.
#2 Drunk Hiccups vs. #7 Dick Tickling Cock Jockeys
Dan’s team is playing much better recently thanks to a solidified backfield and the usual hard body karate play from the jacked up receivers. The biggest boost might be from Golden Tate who has been a playmaker at just the right time for Dan. Blake Bortles might have more pick-6’s than completions this week against Dan’s Vikings D.
Dave’s got to get something from his running backs or he’s not going to play another fantasy game after this one. Not only are defenses keying in on Lamar Miller but they seem to be keying in on specific parts of his body because Miller is beat up and has had to come out of a lot of drives lately. Dave will also need Breesus Christ to perform the miracle of throwing the ball enough to Brandin Cooks to make him a happy camper.
Prediction: Both of these teams have a lot of soft matchups, which could set the table for a shootout. Right now the Hiccups are playing better ball and I think they have the clear advantage in this one. The Hiccups start hot on TNF and pull away with a 121-108 victory.
#3 I’m Your Huckleberry vs. #6 Dirk Diggler
Castillo doesn’t have the longest winning streak coming into the playoffs but I would say that he’s got the hottest team as they’ve scored 100+ in four straight games. Derek Carr continues to be a second half sorcerer and if Carr can avoid getting frostbite in KC tonight, he can set the tone early. If Devonta Freeman enters the endzone at his recent pace, Castillo should win and we’ll see what happens with Jordan Reed on Sunday.
Over the last three weeks Matt Ryan hasn’t been able to put up big fantasy numbers which means he’s back to being Matt Ryan. This team has our best backfield and worst receivers during the regular season so we know exactly the formula for diZerega to advance, which would be about 55 combined points from his three headed RB monster. If he gets a random TD from a WR or TE, it could turn the tide. This is a gritty group of guys who truck pool to work every morning with their lunch pails and are the last to leave and they’ll need to bring their hard hats and start chopping wood when they start the night shift on Thursday.
Prediction: Five of the top ten running backs will be playing in this game so expect a lot of points on the ground for both sides. Whatever team can get the most production from their receivers might be able to get the win here and I think Castillo a.k.a. The Colorado Kid will keep gunslingin’ and score more than his opponent as he wins 108-99.
#4 Nerf Turbos vs. #5 Team Tecmo
The commish had the best team for most of the year but the final week of the season sent a scare down the commish’s spine that it could be a quick death in the playoffs. I hope David Johnson’s legs aren’t too tired from running through my mind all day as his beautiful ass will be counted on again to carry this team. I’ll hope Jameis isn’t dumb enough to make the handful or stupid plays he usually does against the Saints and that he’s smart enough to look in Mike Evans’s direction every play.
Meyer’s team doesn’t have a lot of breakaway speed so he’ll hope to see a lot of redzone possessions for all of his players, where they do their damage. Meyer’s been pretty consistent throughout the year and has been better in the second half so he should hover around the 100 point mark no matter what. Jeff will just hope that Blount and Brady can get enough points on MNF to put this team over the top and have this team looking as pretty as Tom Brady the Barbizon model.
We’re about to see how much matchups can affect a top team. Chris has the better players but seemingly all of them are up against a defense that specializes in shutting down that very position. If Rodgers can throw a couple touchdowns with one of them going to Devante Adams, that might be the boost Chris needs. Jordan Howard has been a revelation who will need to stay hot against the stingy Lions D-line to help this backfield now that Ingram is a hard breeze away from getting injured once again.
Corey and Loran have had an uneven season but they have some explosive talent capable of putting up big numbers. Big Ben has to play better on the road this week than he has all year and it would help if Odell Beckham ended up with plenty of caught passes instead of caught feelings about how the world hates him.
Prediction: The 1 seed comes in winners of six in a row while the 8 seed comes in losers of four straight. This should be a Stone Cold Steve Austin Led Pipe Lockmaster Pro Guarantee of the Decade but ESPN has the 8 seed as favorites here. I think superior talent shines through but not before giving Chris a serious scare. Chris escapes 96-92.
#2 Drunk Hiccups vs. #7 Dick Tickling Cock Jockeys
Dan’s team is playing much better recently thanks to a solidified backfield and the usual hard body karate play from the jacked up receivers. The biggest boost might be from Golden Tate who has been a playmaker at just the right time for Dan. Blake Bortles might have more pick-6’s than completions this week against Dan’s Vikings D.
Dave’s got to get something from his running backs or he’s not going to play another fantasy game after this one. Not only are defenses keying in on Lamar Miller but they seem to be keying in on specific parts of his body because Miller is beat up and has had to come out of a lot of drives lately. Dave will also need Breesus Christ to perform the miracle of throwing the ball enough to Brandin Cooks to make him a happy camper.
Prediction: Both of these teams have a lot of soft matchups, which could set the table for a shootout. Right now the Hiccups are playing better ball and I think they have the clear advantage in this one. The Hiccups start hot on TNF and pull away with a 121-108 victory.
#3 I’m Your Huckleberry vs. #6 Dirk Diggler
Castillo doesn’t have the longest winning streak coming into the playoffs but I would say that he’s got the hottest team as they’ve scored 100+ in four straight games. Derek Carr continues to be a second half sorcerer and if Carr can avoid getting frostbite in KC tonight, he can set the tone early. If Devonta Freeman enters the endzone at his recent pace, Castillo should win and we’ll see what happens with Jordan Reed on Sunday.
Over the last three weeks Matt Ryan hasn’t been able to put up big fantasy numbers which means he’s back to being Matt Ryan. This team has our best backfield and worst receivers during the regular season so we know exactly the formula for diZerega to advance, which would be about 55 combined points from his three headed RB monster. If he gets a random TD from a WR or TE, it could turn the tide. This is a gritty group of guys who truck pool to work every morning with their lunch pails and are the last to leave and they’ll need to bring their hard hats and start chopping wood when they start the night shift on Thursday.
Prediction: Five of the top ten running backs will be playing in this game so expect a lot of points on the ground for both sides. Whatever team can get the most production from their receivers might be able to get the win here and I think Castillo a.k.a. The Colorado Kid will keep gunslingin’ and score more than his opponent as he wins 108-99.
#4 Nerf Turbos vs. #5 Team Tecmo
The commish had the best team for most of the year but the final week of the season sent a scare down the commish’s spine that it could be a quick death in the playoffs. I hope David Johnson’s legs aren’t too tired from running through my mind all day as his beautiful ass will be counted on again to carry this team. I’ll hope Jameis isn’t dumb enough to make the handful or stupid plays he usually does against the Saints and that he’s smart enough to look in Mike Evans’s direction every play.
Meyer’s team doesn’t have a lot of breakaway speed so he’ll hope to see a lot of redzone possessions for all of his players, where they do their damage. Meyer’s been pretty consistent throughout the year and has been better in the second half so he should hover around the 100 point mark no matter what. Jeff will just hope that Blount and Brady can get enough points on MNF to put this team over the top and have this team looking as pretty as Tom Brady the Barbizon model.
Prediction: Both of these guys can’t let go of their past, which is evident by their team names and I think this matchup will be as fun as playing some tubular Tecmo while tossing the Turbo. It will come down to Monday Night where Brady gets two touchdowns but it’s still not enough as the commish wins 104-100.