I don’t think that many of us cook elaborate dinners all that often but when we do open up the cookbook and make a meal, there’s always some reasonable doubt that it will taste good. We feel this same exact way when we put the first bite of fantasy football in our mouths each year. We’re using new ingredients from places we’ve never been and we’re eager and nervous to see how it tastes. We have a lot left on the plate this season so we shouldn’t rate our meal just yet but there’s comfort in getting a reassuring taste whenever we sink our teeth into a new Dirty Dozen season. We saw some good and some bad already so lets fire up the Foreman grill and try to burn through this bad boy as quickly as we can. Time to say goodbye to your family on Sunday and hello to your D12 buddies as we gather around the screen for the next 16 weeks.
Westminster Warriors vs. Miller’s All-Stars
Fanning’s Notes
Petty’s Notes
Fanning’s Notes
- The hype train on Sam Bradford appears to have come to a halt but at least Bradford’s knees didn’t snap off in the process
- It looks like maybe next year Andre Ellington will become a healthy, reliable running back. At least for Fanning, Hyde looked awesome and Ivory is currently healthy and truckin’ fools.
- Anyone that thought keeping Rob Gronkowski was a dumb idea was quieted down about two hours into the first game of the NFL season
- It wasn’t always pretty and the Ellington injury sucks but 113 points and a win on week 1 is a fine way to open a season
Petty’s Notes
- Gentlemen, this is an A-1, Prime Time, Fan-fucking-tastic team name. Everyone in need of a team name (and there are plenty) needs to follow this example. It’s original, it’s relevant to our league, it’s funny, and it has a great logo. Hats off to Kevin and I look forward to sprinkling in as many Mr. Miller references as I can.
- Petty found out pretty early that a Commissioner Certified Granger Cup prediction usually leads to many losses during the season. Sorry, bro.
- This bulked up backfield is going to cross the goal line a lot this year
- This receiving trio may not be as explosive as predicted (by the commish)
- If Kelce is going to live up to his potential, we could see a few more 20+ point games. This was a pretty stellar touchdown celebration as well. About as good as a white boy is going to do.
- Not the way Kevin wanted to start the season at 0-1 but there’s still plenty to like here
Demaryius Targaryen vs. Nerf Turbos
Jordan’s Notes
- If the Broncos offense is going to look like that all year, DT’s value is going to plummet. Luckily, DT gets a shit load of points on WR screens, which hopefully Peyton can still deliver.
- Would’ve gotten a victory if you inserted Wright or Harvin over any starting receiver but I can’t blame you at all for keeping them on the bench.
- Not optimal to have two running backs already injured and porcelain dolls of Ingram and Bernard as the current starting RB’s.
Jerome’s Notes
- I really thought Big Ben’s pointless last second touchdown pass on Thursday night was going to burn me and it almost did
- Phil Rivers is a blockhead but if he’s going to toss the ball over 40 times a game, I’ll watch that choad play quarterback on my fantasy team
- Having to cheer for Lacy, Cobb, and Mason “Don’t call me Bing” Crosby is going to make me a Packers fantasy fan again. This will be me in the living room all year:
- The Mike Evans weekly game time decision decided to start up in week one, eh?
- I was ready to curse off eliminator pools for the rest of my life until the Giants barfed all over themselves on Sunday night.
- It was ugly but it was a win. Pretty lucky football week for me overall too. I promise I won’t complain about another thing the rest of the season, y’all.
That’s My Forte vs. Foles Gold
Meyer’s Notes
- Tom Brady gave a nice middle finger to the world on Thursday night with four touchdowns and Jeff Meyer gave a nice middle finger to the Black Hawk draft room in the process
- Matt Forte earned a lot of points through the air in 2014 and it looks like he’s going to earn a lot of points on the ground this year
- I didn’t think Keenan Allen would get 15 catches all year, let alone the first week
- Meyer has already brought up a 2016 rule change idea. He wants individual players to get return TD points. I know the league has voted this down before but it’s not a terrible idea to put on the ballot next year.
- We shouldn’t get too high after week one but Meyer’s weiner is probably sitting pretty high just thinking about the possibilities of his big three of Brady, Charles, and Forte.
Dan & Corey’s Notes
- Until you scrub yourselves clean from the infected Foles Gold team name, you are going to get scored on a bunch by your opponent just like you did last year
- I think I care about everyone’s team name too much
- Watching Peyton Manning on his back or tossing footballs coated in butter was a pretty alarming sight for Broncos fans and fantasy owners. 4.9 fantasy points is about as low as Peyton will go this year but the bar has officially been lowered.
- Alfred Morris’s day was promising
- Nelson Aghalor’s was not
Denver Donkey Punches vs. The Bushwackers
Zach’s Notes
- Zach Suer has now won 23 regular season games in a row in this league. I would seriously, honestly, bet $100 that he has the longest fantasy football regular season winning streak in North America. That shit cray.
- We all should’ve predicted that Zach would be laughing at the rest of the league once the season started for his early picks of the Broncos D and Brandon McManus. It doesn’t justify those picks yet but I have no doubt they will be the #1 D/ST and kicker when the season is over because Zach does shit like that.
- C.J. Anderson’s day will bring Suer’s draft day ego down a ½ notch. Granted, it was against a pretty tough D.
- If Joseph Randle is the feature back for Dallas, he’s going to have a huge year.
- Jordan Matthews and John Brown already look like nice breakout canidates. Zach will probably be winning many more games in 2015. Fuck us, everybody.
Brian and Michael Peppel’s Notes
- Buffalo has a good D and all but Andrew Luck did not play great and looks like he’s will be behind yet another godawful Colts offensive line. Andre Johnson looked out of sorts, too. Not good.
- These guys were hoping for a Tom Brady-like middle finger from Adrian Peterson on Monday night and instead he looked like a guy that hadn’t played football in a year. He and Charles Johnson’s dud cost the Pep’s a win. Both should get better throughout the year.
- DeAndre Hopkins said and did some weird shit on Hard Knocks but there’s no knocking this dude’s ability. He’s going to be a top 10 receiver no matter what purple headed yogurt slinger is throwing him the ball in Houston.
- Tyler Eifert, what a pickup. Let’s see if he comes close to that production the rest of the season.
- Who and what is a Jeff Janis and why is that thing on your fantasy roster?
Chris Marvel vs. Dick Tickling Cock Jockeys
Chris’s Notes
- I can only assume it’s a really busy time of year at Brannan based on the effort put forward on Chris’s team name and Eliminator Challenge pick.
- Aaron Rodgers should be fine without Jordy.
- Chris is going to load 6 RB’s in a six shooter every weekend and spin it to see who he picks. Based on week one, it’s only a matter of time before Chris purchases a real six shooter and puts it in his mouth when he thinks of this backfield. Maybe he'll roll the dice correctly next week.
- Antonio Brown is always open
- I said Jason Whitten was no longer a reliable tight end. I say a lot of dumb things.
- Chris is usually getting dry humped by the points against gods so maybe this is the year he reverses the curse and plays some softies each week.
Dave’s Notes
- Poor, poor Dave Cress. At a certain point, which was probably about six years ago, we probably assumed this was simply a cursed franchise. After one week of the 2015 season, that curse looks to be alive and well. Brees struggled, McCoy was meh, Miller still isn’t getting a lot of carries, Dez Bryant got seriously hurt, Sammy Watkins got ignored, and the best two players on this team look like the kicker and D/ST. I would use more bullet points but I think this sums up Dave’s start of the year and 15 years in the league. Poor, poor Dave Cress.
I’m Your Huckleberry vs. Dirk Diggler
Castillo’s Notes
- I know it doesn’t mean diddly poo but it must’ve been somewhat sweet for Castillo to get revenge on the man that beat him in Fantasy Bowl XIV already. Might help wash out the taste just a tad.
- Smart plan to pick up and play DeAngelo Willams while Lev Bell serves his weed suspension. DeAngelo gets owners about two good games a season and that might be all Castillo needs.
- Not a good sign for Castillo that he’s willing to bench his 3rd round pick in week one. Doug Martin (5.4 points) turned out to be the better play than Gore (3.1) but both were sluggish and got no help from the hogmollies.
- Tony Romo is so clutch.
Defending Champ’s Notes
- Dirk Diggler raised another banner and then got ran out of the building
- Matt Ryan was pretty average, not awesome, but definitely good enough on Monday night
- DeMarco Murray had eight carries for nine yards against one of the worst defenses in any sport. Not a promising start. Also not time to panic.
- DeSean Jackson will break your heart every season. Looking forward to him carrying J.P. in the playoffs, though
- The cameras caught J.P. on the sideline towards the end of the matchup on Monday night
Things I know I know
Alright dudes, that’s a wrap for week one of our 15th season. I appreciate everyone that answers the survey I sent out. I know it’s a bit weird but I just want to gauge how often everyone checks the stuff related our league. If you guys aren’t paying attention to the weekly recaps, trophies, random posts, etc, I’ll pump the breaks on those to save my time and yours. I'm aware that there is a lot to go over in this league and we all can’t waste as much time as we used to so I just want to see where everyone’s at. I know you guys still have fun and still keep up with most of this but just thought I’d get a better idea. I’ll do my best to throw out some D12 related stuff throughout the year as much as I can. See you here next week (maybe) and good luck filling your pockets with your friend’s cash in 2015.
- Pretty exhilarating comeback for CSU and a pretty sobering overtime loss against the Golden Gophers. Would’ve been nice to have their best player on the field at some point but this team doesn’t look like it’s going to take a huge step back this year
- Unless of course they lose to the Buffs this week. Time to dust off the jagermiester and memory bank for college story telling time this Saturday if any of us Ram fans get together.
- I don’t know what to make of the Broncos game besides the fact that it reminded me far too much of the Tebow days. No flow on offense with the kicker and D saving our asses. In Peyton we trust and I think it’s too early to panic around here, which is what Broncos fans do best. That was a butt ugly game, though
- Jesus Christ do people hate listening to Chris Berman announce sporting events. At this point I have to say the people that complain are more annoying with their tired phrases than Berman is.
- I really hope a lot of you guys spent more than 50% of your football gambling bankroll this weekend. Sounds like the books got hammered for a change. Judging by the gambling pools and survivor leagues, everyone did pretty well.
- I thought changing the D/ST points against would be as easy as editing the number in our boxscore but of course it can never be that easy. If I have to make a change, I will have to put it in a new box labeled “Scoring Adjustment”. It is right below the kicker on the boxscore. I don’t think this shows up on your phone but I could be wrong. You will see a “League Schedule Change” pop up on the league activity screen once I made the change so you’ll know if and when those changes are made. This isn’t the best way to go about it but it’s the best I can do. As I said, I’ll try to get this done on Sunday and Monday night but there’s a chance I won’t get to it until Tuesday morning. Either way, it’s probably best to do your own math if you think a scoring change is going to affect the outcome of your game and feel free to send me a text about it if you notice something. For reference, here are the fantasy points we get for D/ST to help guide you and me when we attempt to calculate the final score of our D’s.
- 0 Points Allowed = 8 Points
- 1-6 PA = 7 Points
- 7-13 PA = 5 Points
- 14-17 PA = 3 Points
- 18-21 PA = 1 Point
- 22-27 PA = -1 Point
- 28-34 PA = -3 Points
- 35-45 PA = -5 Points
- 46+ PA = -7 Points
Alright dudes, that’s a wrap for week one of our 15th season. I appreciate everyone that answers the survey I sent out. I know it’s a bit weird but I just want to gauge how often everyone checks the stuff related our league. If you guys aren’t paying attention to the weekly recaps, trophies, random posts, etc, I’ll pump the breaks on those to save my time and yours. I'm aware that there is a lot to go over in this league and we all can’t waste as much time as we used to so I just want to see where everyone’s at. I know you guys still have fun and still keep up with most of this but just thought I’d get a better idea. I’ll do my best to throw out some D12 related stuff throughout the year as much as I can. See you here next week (maybe) and good luck filling your pockets with your friend’s cash in 2015.