We might be lazily going through the dog days of fantasy football but it's time to drop your cocks and grab your socks because the playoffs will be here faster than a bullet travels through Private Pyle's skull. Most of the byes are out of the way but late season injuries are always lurking like Charlie in the trees, ready to snipe away your Granger Cup dreams. We're at week 10 in the season which means we're running out of time to form that roster that maybe, hopefully will be on the D12 podium after a Fantasy Bowl win. Now drop down and give me five minutes or reading right now, maggot!
Ahwatukee Drunk Cactusman vs. Foles Gold
David's Notes
Ahwatukee Drunk Cactusman vs. Foles Gold
David's Notes
- Calling a bad football matchup "The Toilet Bowl" is about as fucked out as any Progressive commercial on TV so I'll spare everyone the Toilet Bowl humor attempt and just call this matchup of two 1-8 teams the Ookie Cookie Circle Jerk Bukkake Bowl brought to you by our friends at Fleshlight.
- It's too late to matter for Dave's fantasy team but Mike Evans looks like a legit WR2 right now. He's got some Megatron in him where the QB just needs to throw it high and let the big boy go and get it.
- Dez Bryant proved that cerfews don't mean shit. Especially on Jerry's watch and especially when you tear through secondaries like Sonic the Hedgehog.
- Dave has multiple running backs from the Browns and Lions which isn't optimal. Dave just tosses those four in a bingo spinner and hopes he pulls out the right two names. There's no telling who will be the better play out of these four options but Dave made a smart pick of picking up and playing Terrance West this week. For one week at least, Westside is the best side.
- Dave might've saved himself from the Douche of the Year award with this victory.
Corey and Dan's Notes
- Carson Palmer getting seriously injured immediately after signing a huge contract is such a Carson Palmer thing to do. Having a player go down for the year each week is such a Foles Gold thing to do.
- Steven Jackson looked like the same Steven we loved to watch run four years ago.
- Calvin Johnson is healthy which means Calvin Johnson is probably about to rip off a nice six game stretch to end the fantasy season.
- Senor Steve Smith Senior gave everyone four great games but is back to being a total non-factor for all fantasy owners.
- With an L9 now on the table, this team is moving towards historically terrible territory.
Dirk Diggler vs. That's My Forte
Jay Dizzy's Notes
- Matt Ryan and Julio Jones had a matchup that could really help get their confidence and fantasy stats back up. Instead, a combined 29.4 points from them both against the Bucs might have J.P. wondering if a huge week will ever happen for these Falcons in 2014.
- DeMarco Murray hasn't scored in three straight weeks but is still the top RB in our league by a comfortable margin.
- J.P. does this every year it seems as he carries two kickers down the stretch. Are you playing the matchups or just saving one as an injury backup? Mind boggling.
- Another loss sends this team further down the standings.
Granger's Notes
- This was the epitome of a "get right game" for both J.P. and Meyer who were coming off of 49.6 and 59.6 point games respectively. Granger is the one who can now chalk last week up as a fluke.
- Meyer had to know that Roethlisberger would play like shit the minute he was plugged in as the starter.
- 51.9 combined points from the receivers is how this game was won.
- I labeled Matt Forte as the least score dependent running back in our league because he's always on the field no matter what. I didn't account for the fact that the Bears offense is completely and totally inept now and Meyer better hope Forte picks up points on his garbage time route because this team is going to be behind in every game the rest of the season. This sums up the Bears season pretty well:
Denver Donkey Punches vs. Ray's Elevator Service
Z. Suer's Notes
Westminster White Devils vs. Demaryius Targaryen
Fanning's Notes
Jordan's Notes
Nerf Turbos vs. Graham's Crackers
Jerome's Notes
Z. Suer's Notes
- Zach Suer looked like the hammer and Petty looked like the nail as we setup this game but it took three or four solid whacks before Suer pinned another D12 victory on his wall.
- If this team gets 57.9 combined points from Peyton and Thomas, they cannot and will not lose.
- It's becoming clear that Odell Beckham should be a fantasy starter. The problem is that Zach has three better options for his WR positions, which is a nice problem to have.
- Two of the smelliest garbage time scores from Kelvin Benjamin to close down the week because god hasn't blessed Zach enough in this league.
- You might've assumed this already but looking at Zach's remaining schedule, he's very likely entering the playoffs at 13-0.
- Valiant effort, my good man.
- When Marshawn Lynch gets past the line with a head of steam, watch the fuck out. His 40.3 point game was fun to watch and is proof that my prediction of Marshawn puttering out this season is probably wrong.
- Fitzgerald was finally looking like he could get his WR2 status back but a switch to Drew Stanton will likely land him back into WR3 territory.
- This team appears to be in the "fill out a roster with minimum transactions" mode and I don't blame him.
Westminster White Devils vs. Demaryius Targaryen
Fanning's Notes
- This game featured 135.3 combined points from both teams, a 0.3 point game from an RB, a 0 point game from a WR, a -1.8 game from a QB, and a intentional benching of a D/ST. What a fucking dumpster fire.
- Justin Foresett won't be on this team for the rest of the season after being traded to Foles Gold and Fanning might have a bit of seller's remorse after watching Forsett play great on Sunday. Fanning has to be extremely happy with what Forsett gave him while on his roster.
- Somehow, someway Wes Welker finds his way into a starting spot on this team. It's not time to bench him, Jeff. It's time to drop him.
- It'll be interesting to see how this new trade plays out for Fanning. I like that he's addressing an obvious need at WR but he did give up a pretty stellar RB in exchange. Now he relies on Ryan Matthews. Good luck with that.
- The karma of the fantasy gods shall never be toyed with. Fanning benches the Packers D/ST to ensure a victory and the Packers D/ST goes out and scores 20 fantasy points.
Jordan's Notes
- It's a no doubt lead pipe lock every week that Tom Brady will outscore Andy Dalton in fantasy. Jordan knew this already but probably didn't think it would be possible with Brady on a bye. Holy fuck do my eyes burn after watching that ginger play football on Thursday night. One of the worst all time performances by a QB in our lifetime.
- Frank Gore probably won't rip off any runs longer than a limousine but if he gets 23 carries, he might find his way into the endzone.
- Looks like the Saints are going to give Ingram the ball until he inevitably crumbles into dust. Gotta get your money's worth for that first round draft pick. The dude is on a roll, to be fair.
- This was a great chance for Jordan to get seriously into the playoff hunt but if Brady isn't playing or isn't scoring 30+ points, I don't know if this team stands a chance.
Nerf Turbos vs. Graham's Crackers
Jerome's Notes
- I was pretty nervous about my chances but Aaron Rodgers calmed all those nerves in one half of football that saw him rack up 48 fantasy points. He probably could've thrown up 70 fantasy points if he plays the entire game.
- Watching your fantasy QB dump a screen pass to your fantasy RB who then rumbles for a 56 yard score makes you spontaneously wiggle all your limbs uncontrollably.
- Thank god for Aaron Rodgers because the rest of this roster did their usual low ceiling, high floor scoring.
- The commish needed a high scoring week like this to get away from the playoff bubble again and start making a push for some end of the season QB and MOP awards.
Chris's Notes
- Flacco is not a good QB but he was a starter this week for Chris because Stafford can't be trusted, especially against the Dolphins D. Of course Flacco's lone touchdown toss had to be to Torrey Smith, who plays for the commish. This is probably be the last time we see Flacco in anyone's starting lineup.
- Antonio Brown had an uncharacteristically sloppy game. Lot's of looks but two fumbles lost. This is why we hate seeing our position players returning kicks. Zero upside, all downside.
- Touchdowns from Wallace, White, and two from Graham had this team in a position to win but Rodgers wiped that thought from Chris's face in about 25 minutes.
- Did Parrish Cox flop on Graham's pass interference call? Yes he did. Was the right penalty called on Graham? Yes it was. At least in this sportscaster's eye.
- ESPN doesn't show an optimal score but if Chris made all the right coaching moves this week, he definitely would've outscored the commish.
I'm Your Huckleberry vs. Ambiguously Gay Duo
Castillo's Notes
- I said last week that this team was deep, so deep, so deep put your butt to sleep. The depth was not on display this week with Watkins, Jones, and Donnell failing to score more than three points apiece. Today was a bad day.
- Castillo felt what life without Luck feels like and he never wants to feel that ever again.
- James Jones caught eight passes on Sunday. Those eight receptions went for 20 yards. I watched that entire game and I don't know how that happened.
- I'm sure all Steelers fans have had about enough of watching Blount get stuffed at the goalline repeatedly. Castillo can join their jeers while LeVeon Bell sits on the sideline with only one rushing touchdown on the season, which was in week 1, no less.
- This team was rolling, hit a speed bump, and now can resume rolling with almost all of the byes out of the way.
Peppel's Notes
- If you two had to stay up and watch that Monday Night Football game in its entirety to cheer for Olsen to outscore Parkey, I feel for you both.
- Jay Cutler looks less comfortable in the pocket than the new gigantic iphone 6's.
- It was a nice run for Ronnie Hillman. Sadly, it looks like it's time for fantasy owners to forget about him.
- When I saw Jordy Nelson take a vertical route, make one cut, and take it to the house, I thought it was a replay of one of the five times he's done that already this year. Seriously the same route with the same result almost every week.
- It was an ugly win and some of the injuries and performances are ugly as well but an 8-2 record is sexier than Katy Perry and Samantha Hoopes french kissing.
Other notes:
- It feels like the 3rd through 8th place teams in this league could all be interchangeable with some high or low scores from anybody any week.
- Coach MacIntyre might want to consider keeping his team on the field during halftime because whatever they're scheming in the locker room at half is laughable.
- CSU has cracked the top 25, which wouldn't normally be a big deal except for the fact that it's the first time a team from Colorado has been ranked since 2010.
- You want to know how Raider fans teach their kids how to count? 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4....
- If you haven't seen Vanilla Sky and were wondering if Tom Cruise took his shirt off and ran like an insane person like he does every movie, the answer is yes he does. With that knowledge, I urge you to not add this to your Netflix instant queue as it had me legitimately angry at the last hour of movie because I had no fucking idea what was going on.
- Stay frosty.