The Dirty Dozen is quiet now…a little too quiet if you ask me. The top four scoring teams are also stacked 1 through 4 in our W-L standings. The bottom four scoring teams are also the four teams that will not be playing any playoff football this season. No team in this league can really complain about where they sit in the standings as their points scored supports their position. Everything is right where it should be, which makes this seasoned D12er feel uneasy. Fantasy football rarely goes as planned, which is why this chalk look of our standings could turn into chaos at the drop of Jeff Fisher's hella phat backwards hat.
As of week 11, I am currently projected to play Corey and Loran in a 1 vs. 8 seed matchup and we very well could lock horns in round one and I wouldn’t be utterly floored if Corey and Loran were the 1 seed while I was the 8 seed, either. One game separates the 1 seed from the 8 seed, which means we could all be put in a Yahtzee shaker right now and could play any combination of the playoff teams come playoff time. Even though everything looks right at the moment and it might be tempting to look at the standings, relax, and put your feet up, don’t be surprised when the kool-aid man blasts right the fuck through your wall and shoots a hornet’s nest out of a nerf bazooka to unleash chaos and fear into all of us for the remaining five weeks of the season.
Peppel’s: These guys have been stonewalled repeatedly on the scoreboard and the trade block but they finally got an ounce of good fortune this week by defeating the top team thanks to some good luck. That won’t help this burrito from tasting remotely yummy at all and the Pep’s will be asking if anyone got the license plate of the D12 Mack truck that hit them as soon as they ran through the tunnel on opening day.
Peppel’s: These guys have been stonewalled repeatedly on the scoreboard and the trade block but they finally got an ounce of good fortune this week by defeating the top team thanks to some good luck. That won’t help this burrito from tasting remotely yummy at all and the Pep’s will be asking if anyone got the license plate of the D12 Mack truck that hit them as soon as they ran through the tunnel on opening day.
Chris: Aaron Rodgers’ personal and professional life is in shambles right now and Chris should be loving every second of it. Rodgers hates his family and the Packers defense but that’s not standing in his way of averaging 35 PPG over the last month. The fact that Rodgers is walking around in a living hell is a heavenly feeling for Chris Marvel.
Castillo: If this team could ever get a touchdown from Benjamin or Hopkins, it could be a title contender. At least Le’Veon is back to scoring touchdowns and with a D12 schedule that’s been more accommodating than Geoffrey from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Castillo will be able to secure a playoff appearance and hope the touchdowns follow. If they don’t we’ll be saying “Yo holmes, smell you later!” after Round 1.
Jerome: The aerial view of Blake Bortles’s head would make for a perfect match for the commish but Blake n' Romer will not be holding hands into the playoffs, mostly because Blake Bortles is a trash quarterback for a trash franchise in a trash city.
Castillo: If this team could ever get a touchdown from Benjamin or Hopkins, it could be a title contender. At least Le’Veon is back to scoring touchdowns and with a D12 schedule that’s been more accommodating than Geoffrey from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Castillo will be able to secure a playoff appearance and hope the touchdowns follow. If they don’t we’ll be saying “Yo holmes, smell you later!” after Round 1.
Jerome: The aerial view of Blake Bortles’s head would make for a perfect match for the commish but Blake n' Romer will not be holding hands into the playoffs, mostly because Blake Bortles is a trash quarterback for a trash franchise in a trash city.
Here's further proof that executing a trade with me is a smart idea; Alshon Jeffrey gets pinched for consuming a banned substance after one active game on my roster and then A.J. Green’s hamstring decided to peace out three games into his Nerf Turbo tenure. This should compel me to make a trade for a wide receiver, which I would if I didn’t think they would immediately be lost for the fantasy season soon afterwards.
Fanning: Colorado passed a law that made it easier for long suffering people with terminal illnesses to just call it a life and Jeff Fanning might be the first to take advantage of that as his Granger Cup hopes are in hospice care. It’s been a struggle from day one as Gronk has been on IR as much as he has been on the field, Jeff’s had to rely on Yeldon and Tavon Austin far too often, he’s averaging 4.2 points a game from his D/ST, and his trade proposals and acceptances have been comical and disastrous for all involved.
Jordan: The Super Bowl hangover appears to be an actual thing in the NFL and considering that both Fanning and Jordan’s 2016 teams looked like us after Vegas all season long, it could be a real thing in this league as well. That, or fantasy football players, owners, teams, and luck all vary widely from year to year and there’s no correlation from the results of one year to another. Cam Newton’s MVP season in 2015 helped carry this team to the title game and Cam’s LVP season in 2016 is helping make sure Jordan ends up nowhere near the Granger Cup.
Meyer: I’m unsure if Robert Kelley will continue to rack up fantasy points behind that mediocre offensive line for the offensively named football team but Meyer was opportunistic to grab him off waivers and is loving the production so far. It’s been a Contra-like season for Granger (UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, B, A, START) which has seen him all over the map but he’s got plenty of options at RB and WR and could be in great position come playoff time now that R. Kelley is peeing on our faces.
Fanning: Colorado passed a law that made it easier for long suffering people with terminal illnesses to just call it a life and Jeff Fanning might be the first to take advantage of that as his Granger Cup hopes are in hospice care. It’s been a struggle from day one as Gronk has been on IR as much as he has been on the field, Jeff’s had to rely on Yeldon and Tavon Austin far too often, he’s averaging 4.2 points a game from his D/ST, and his trade proposals and acceptances have been comical and disastrous for all involved.
Jordan: The Super Bowl hangover appears to be an actual thing in the NFL and considering that both Fanning and Jordan’s 2016 teams looked like us after Vegas all season long, it could be a real thing in this league as well. That, or fantasy football players, owners, teams, and luck all vary widely from year to year and there’s no correlation from the results of one year to another. Cam Newton’s MVP season in 2015 helped carry this team to the title game and Cam’s LVP season in 2016 is helping make sure Jordan ends up nowhere near the Granger Cup.
Meyer: I’m unsure if Robert Kelley will continue to rack up fantasy points behind that mediocre offensive line for the offensively named football team but Meyer was opportunistic to grab him off waivers and is loving the production so far. It’s been a Contra-like season for Granger (UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, B, A, START) which has seen him all over the map but he’s got plenty of options at RB and WR and could be in great position come playoff time now that R. Kelley is peeing on our faces.
Petty: Just like his sex life, Russell Wilson waited far too long in this season to start scoring, which has allowed the rest of the league to gang bang Petty out of a playoff spot early and often.
diZerega: J.P. plowed into the top position thanks to Matt Ryan, DeMarco, Melvin, and LeSean but diZerega regressed back to the pack when 75% of these studs got hurt or relaxed during a BYE. It would’ve been wise to take the under on this fantasy matchup based on the unavailable players and diZerega will have to pray to the injury gods that he’s never forced to rely on his bench like this ever again.
Dave: Dave’s team is exasperatingly inconsistent once again but one thing David can always rely on is Ryan Matthews doing the opposite of what you hope he will do on the football field. We did an Isaiah Crowell decision chart earlier this season and may I present the Ryan Matthews version for fantasy owners everywhere.
diZerega: J.P. plowed into the top position thanks to Matt Ryan, DeMarco, Melvin, and LeSean but diZerega regressed back to the pack when 75% of these studs got hurt or relaxed during a BYE. It would’ve been wise to take the under on this fantasy matchup based on the unavailable players and diZerega will have to pray to the injury gods that he’s never forced to rely on his bench like this ever again.
Dave: Dave’s team is exasperatingly inconsistent once again but one thing David can always rely on is Ryan Matthews doing the opposite of what you hope he will do on the football field. We did an Isaiah Crowell decision chart earlier this season and may I present the Ryan Matthews version for fantasy owners everywhere.
Coran: These guys had a monopoly on shitty football performances this Sunday. This team was the Mediterranean and Baltic Ave. of the Dirty Dozen with a 59.7-point outing while being stuffed in a locker by Castillo. Only one player on their entire team scored a touchdown and it was Colby Fleener and they were fortunate to get that considering ol’ Colby had three grabs for 17 yards. Do not pass go, and you won’t be collecting any dollars if this team plays like this ever again.
Dan: Fantasy owners should try to eliminate their personal feelings for the betterment of their team but Danny Burke has gone full Darth Vader this year. On top of the plethora of AFC West turd burglars Danny employs, he also has started Brock Osweiler for the second time this year for some unknown reason. It’s not only a personal attack against us fellow Bronco fans in this league but it’s also a really stupid football decision because Brock Osweiler might be a less effective passer than the paralyzed QB on Friday Night Lights. Osweiler has the same awkward look on Dan’s roster as braces do on an NFL player.
Dan: Fantasy owners should try to eliminate their personal feelings for the betterment of their team but Danny Burke has gone full Darth Vader this year. On top of the plethora of AFC West turd burglars Danny employs, he also has started Brock Osweiler for the second time this year for some unknown reason. It’s not only a personal attack against us fellow Bronco fans in this league but it’s also a really stupid football decision because Brock Osweiler might be a less effective passer than the paralyzed QB on Friday Night Lights. Osweiler has the same awkward look on Dan’s roster as braces do on an NFL player.