Peppel’s: These guys have been stonewalled repeatedly on the scoreboard and the trade block but they finally got an ounce of good fortune this week by defeating the top team thanks to some good luck. That won’t help this burrito from tasting remotely yummy at all and the Pep’s will be asking if anyone got the license plate of the D12 Mack truck that hit them as soon as they ran through the tunnel on opening day.
Castillo: If this team could ever get a touchdown from Benjamin or Hopkins, it could be a title contender. At least Le’Veon is back to scoring touchdowns and with a D12 schedule that’s been more accommodating than Geoffrey from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Castillo will be able to secure a playoff appearance and hope the touchdowns follow. If they don’t we’ll be saying “Yo holmes, smell you later!” after Round 1.
Jerome: The aerial view of Blake Bortles’s head would make for a perfect match for the commish but Blake n' Romer will not be holding hands into the playoffs, mostly because Blake Bortles is a trash quarterback for a trash franchise in a trash city.
Fanning: Colorado passed a law that made it easier for long suffering people with terminal illnesses to just call it a life and Jeff Fanning might be the first to take advantage of that as his Granger Cup hopes are in hospice care. It’s been a struggle from day one as Gronk has been on IR as much as he has been on the field, Jeff’s had to rely on Yeldon and Tavon Austin far too often, he’s averaging 4.2 points a game from his D/ST, and his trade proposals and acceptances have been comical and disastrous for all involved.
Jordan: The Super Bowl hangover appears to be an actual thing in the NFL and considering that both Fanning and Jordan’s 2016 teams looked like us after Vegas all season long, it could be a real thing in this league as well. That, or fantasy football players, owners, teams, and luck all vary widely from year to year and there’s no correlation from the results of one year to another. Cam Newton’s MVP season in 2015 helped carry this team to the title game and Cam’s LVP season in 2016 is helping make sure Jordan ends up nowhere near the Granger Cup.
Meyer: I’m unsure if Robert Kelley will continue to rack up fantasy points behind that mediocre offensive line for the offensively named football team but Meyer was opportunistic to grab him off waivers and is loving the production so far. It’s been a Contra-like season for Granger (UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, B, A, START) which has seen him all over the map but he’s got plenty of options at RB and WR and could be in great position come playoff time now that R. Kelley is peeing on our faces.
diZerega: J.P. plowed into the top position thanks to Matt Ryan, DeMarco, Melvin, and LeSean but diZerega regressed back to the pack when 75% of these studs got hurt or relaxed during a BYE. It would’ve been wise to take the under on this fantasy matchup based on the unavailable players and diZerega will have to pray to the injury gods that he’s never forced to rely on his bench like this ever again.
Dave: Dave’s team is exasperatingly inconsistent once again but one thing David can always rely on is Ryan Matthews doing the opposite of what you hope he will do on the football field. We did an Isaiah Crowell decision chart earlier this season and may I present the Ryan Matthews version for fantasy owners everywhere.
Dan: Fantasy owners should try to eliminate their personal feelings for the betterment of their team but Danny Burke has gone full Darth Vader this year. On top of the plethora of AFC West turd burglars Danny employs, he also has started Brock Osweiler for the second time this year for some unknown reason. It’s not only a personal attack against us fellow Bronco fans in this league but it’s also a really stupid football decision because Brock Osweiler might be a less effective passer than the paralyzed QB on Friday Night Lights. Osweiler has the same awkward look on Dan’s roster as braces do on an NFL player.