The one-and-done nature of the Dirty Dozen playoffs is the best and worst thing about this game. It allows the 7 and 8 seeds to remain hopeful while also giving the 1 and 2 seeds infinite dread that their season will end prematurely thanks to a couple of bad bounces. We’ve seen enough playoff chaos unfold in prior seasons to know that all eight teams are capable of getting hot or lucky in their quest for the cup and we saw great plays and fortunate bounces aid the survivors of round one just as much as we saw some untimely injuries and poor luck extinguish the hopes of four teams. Being in the fantasy football playoffs is similar to dating an insanely hot chick with daddy issues. She’s fun as hell when things are going well but the good times can turn on a dime and turn your life into a living nightmare that you can’t escape fast enough. Let’s find out which owners were asked out on a second date in our round 1 recap.
#1 I’m Your Huckleberry vs. #8 Nerf Turbos
Castillo was the heavy favorite and instigated the scoring early and often in this one when John Brown took a short pass a long way against the Vikings on Thursday night to give Castillo the start he was looking for. Tyrod Taylor connected on a deep TD throw early, DeAngelo Williams crossed the goalline on the Steelers first drive, and the Panthers D started throat fucking the Falcons pretty much from the opening gun. The commish tried to keep pace early with a Jonathan Stewart TD run and was witnessing some Fitz-magic but the writing was on the wall after Doug Martin scored, Barnidge scored, DeAngelo scored again, and the Panthers continued to thrust their thrombos deep into the throats of the Falcons offense. When Stewart and Yeldon exited in the first half never to be seen again while Evans and Cooks did jack squat, it was time to for me to get demoted from Commish/Active Owner to merely Commish. It was also appropriate that Eddie Lacy end the season with 20 points on the bench as a final dick kick to the commissioner.
As I said repeatedly, I was lucky just to get in, I played some really low scoring teams to get in, and deserved to get boatraced once I got in. One team has to lose to the highest scoring team every week and it was finally Jerome’s turn. Castillo’s team is playing great football and they totally deserve to advance with a chance to win more money. If it helps the feelings of any of the owners that lost out on the 8 seed bubble race last week, you wouldn’t have advanced past Castillo regardless, so….I don’t know, you had one less week to get your hopes up, I guess.
#4 That’s My Forte vs. #5 Demaryius Targaryen
Granger’s season has been like one, long, steady sip of single malt scotch all year while Jordan’s season has been a series of red bull n’ vodkas rapidly followed by cold turkey hangovers. We didn’t know what to expect from Jordan’s team and we thought we knew what to expect from Meyer’s squad but when this was over it was the Targaryens that looked like the more steady and deserving team. Newton was doing whatever he pleased once again, Gurley was finally breaking loose, and Alshon Jeffrey found the endzone for the first time since week 8. Yes, Amari Cooper was silenced again and Seabass has scored -2 points for Jordan the past two weeks but this team was able to ride a couple big games, survive a couple of zeroes, and got some steady performances in between for 105.9 points.
This was 30.9 more than Meyer got this week as his team just couldn’t get the big performances Jeff has received all year. Brady was somewhat underwhelming, the running backs combined for 13.7 points, and even though Meyer’s receivers outscored Jordan’s, they still only got 28.8 total points combined. Meyer needed Brady to go bananas on Sunday night and toss a couple TD’s to Chandler but when Gronk started, it meant Chandler would take a back seat and when Chandler played only 1 snap that night, it was night-night for Jeff. An ugly and disappointing end to the season for a team that looked impervious to a dud game all year.
#3 Denver Donkey Punches vs. #6 Dirk Diggler
J.P.’s illuminati tried, they really did, they tried with all their might to get J.P. another playoff win. They coerced a Baltimore Raven to snap Rawls’s ankle in half so he would be out for Z and Fred Jackson would get more looks. They blackmailed another Ravens defender to leave Doug Baldwin wide open in the endzone for his third TD on the day. They tampered with Charcandrick West’s shoulder pads, causing West to miss snaps due to injured ribs. And finally, they got into the Titans headset to create confusion and leave Brandon Marshall uncovered for this touchdown.
#1 I’m Your Huckleberry vs. #8 Nerf Turbos
Castillo was the heavy favorite and instigated the scoring early and often in this one when John Brown took a short pass a long way against the Vikings on Thursday night to give Castillo the start he was looking for. Tyrod Taylor connected on a deep TD throw early, DeAngelo Williams crossed the goalline on the Steelers first drive, and the Panthers D started throat fucking the Falcons pretty much from the opening gun. The commish tried to keep pace early with a Jonathan Stewart TD run and was witnessing some Fitz-magic but the writing was on the wall after Doug Martin scored, Barnidge scored, DeAngelo scored again, and the Panthers continued to thrust their thrombos deep into the throats of the Falcons offense. When Stewart and Yeldon exited in the first half never to be seen again while Evans and Cooks did jack squat, it was time to for me to get demoted from Commish/Active Owner to merely Commish. It was also appropriate that Eddie Lacy end the season with 20 points on the bench as a final dick kick to the commissioner.
As I said repeatedly, I was lucky just to get in, I played some really low scoring teams to get in, and deserved to get boatraced once I got in. One team has to lose to the highest scoring team every week and it was finally Jerome’s turn. Castillo’s team is playing great football and they totally deserve to advance with a chance to win more money. If it helps the feelings of any of the owners that lost out on the 8 seed bubble race last week, you wouldn’t have advanced past Castillo regardless, so….I don’t know, you had one less week to get your hopes up, I guess.
#4 That’s My Forte vs. #5 Demaryius Targaryen
Granger’s season has been like one, long, steady sip of single malt scotch all year while Jordan’s season has been a series of red bull n’ vodkas rapidly followed by cold turkey hangovers. We didn’t know what to expect from Jordan’s team and we thought we knew what to expect from Meyer’s squad but when this was over it was the Targaryens that looked like the more steady and deserving team. Newton was doing whatever he pleased once again, Gurley was finally breaking loose, and Alshon Jeffrey found the endzone for the first time since week 8. Yes, Amari Cooper was silenced again and Seabass has scored -2 points for Jordan the past two weeks but this team was able to ride a couple big games, survive a couple of zeroes, and got some steady performances in between for 105.9 points.
This was 30.9 more than Meyer got this week as his team just couldn’t get the big performances Jeff has received all year. Brady was somewhat underwhelming, the running backs combined for 13.7 points, and even though Meyer’s receivers outscored Jordan’s, they still only got 28.8 total points combined. Meyer needed Brady to go bananas on Sunday night and toss a couple TD’s to Chandler but when Gronk started, it meant Chandler would take a back seat and when Chandler played only 1 snap that night, it was night-night for Jeff. An ugly and disappointing end to the season for a team that looked impervious to a dud game all year.
#3 Denver Donkey Punches vs. #6 Dirk Diggler
J.P.’s illuminati tried, they really did, they tried with all their might to get J.P. another playoff win. They coerced a Baltimore Raven to snap Rawls’s ankle in half so he would be out for Z and Fred Jackson would get more looks. They blackmailed another Ravens defender to leave Doug Baldwin wide open in the endzone for his third TD on the day. They tampered with Charcandrick West’s shoulder pads, causing West to miss snaps due to injured ribs. And finally, they got into the Titans headset to create confusion and leave Brandon Marshall uncovered for this touchdown.
It was all going according to plan. Diggler was a 6 seed, a seed that has made the Fantasy Bowl the previous five years and was the seed J.P. won his title with last season. J.P. was going to get an ugly win against Suer and all would be right in D12 once again. With J.P. holding onto a lead and with Suer scoring only 38 points wth two players remaining on MNF, it was looking like another diZerega victory. But someone in the illuminati failed to hit Odell Beckham in the hamstring with a Chinese star and Beckham took a 84 yard catch to the house for his second score to give him and Eli Manning enough to prevent J.P. from repeating. Looking at J.P.’s roster, he really made it hard on himself by starting the horribly slumping Matt Ryan against an awesome D while also dismissing any notions of a replacement for Murray and Fred Jackson. With three empty bench spots, it looks like J.P. sure didn’t care about making a potential upgrade when there were obvious flaws at major positions. Of course he didn’t because he’s always seemed to get the bounces in the playoffs and I don’t blame him for thinking this would be any different. Anyway, two perennial championship contenders played, one of these men had to go home, and that man was Dirk Diggler.
#2 The Bushwhackers vs. #7 Westminster Warriors
I’m not sure if the temptation of starting a QB against the Saints was a powerful one but Fanning should be thankful for whatever prevention method he used with Jameis Winston this week. Winston looked pretty bad against a very bad team and Fanning’s decision to stick with Bortles helped propel him to the semifinals. Then again, Bortles was just coming off a 42 point game so this decision could’ve been very easy for Fanning. Bortles looked like shit in the first half but once he got going, a few others on the Warriors roster followed suit. Ivory was getting yards, A.J. Green stayed hot, Willie Snead caught a lot of passes, and Gostkowski continued to drill field goals. Fanning knew he had done enough to build a lead that could get him to the second round and was hoping for a lot of running plays and field goal attempts on Sunday night to retain that lead and advance.
The Pep’s have been on the slow decline lately as we all know and no unit on this team mirrors the struggles of the Peppel brothers like their receivers did. Fitzgerald has really slowed down over the past month and when Hopkins and Amendola had a chance to help the Pep’s get a huge comeback SNF win, they both didn’t do much with limited targets. It had to be very painful to watch Bortles connect with Allen Hurns for an 80 yard touchdown while Hurns was on the Bushwhacker bench. The Bears D continued the trend of bad D/ST performances for the Pep’s as this team was finally put out of their misery after four tortuous weeks. I know the Pep’s have swam through a lot of shit in the Dirty Dozen and the way this season unfolded really has to make them feel like God does not want them to be happy in this league. The value of their team fell like the price of oil this year and left these brothers mortally wounded like that poor duck at the Bayside oil spill.
#2 The Bushwhackers vs. #7 Westminster Warriors
I’m not sure if the temptation of starting a QB against the Saints was a powerful one but Fanning should be thankful for whatever prevention method he used with Jameis Winston this week. Winston looked pretty bad against a very bad team and Fanning’s decision to stick with Bortles helped propel him to the semifinals. Then again, Bortles was just coming off a 42 point game so this decision could’ve been very easy for Fanning. Bortles looked like shit in the first half but once he got going, a few others on the Warriors roster followed suit. Ivory was getting yards, A.J. Green stayed hot, Willie Snead caught a lot of passes, and Gostkowski continued to drill field goals. Fanning knew he had done enough to build a lead that could get him to the second round and was hoping for a lot of running plays and field goal attempts on Sunday night to retain that lead and advance.
The Pep’s have been on the slow decline lately as we all know and no unit on this team mirrors the struggles of the Peppel brothers like their receivers did. Fitzgerald has really slowed down over the past month and when Hopkins and Amendola had a chance to help the Pep’s get a huge comeback SNF win, they both didn’t do much with limited targets. It had to be very painful to watch Bortles connect with Allen Hurns for an 80 yard touchdown while Hurns was on the Bushwhacker bench. The Bears D continued the trend of bad D/ST performances for the Pep’s as this team was finally put out of their misery after four tortuous weeks. I know the Pep’s have swam through a lot of shit in the Dirty Dozen and the way this season unfolded really has to make them feel like God does not want them to be happy in this league. The value of their team fell like the price of oil this year and left these brothers mortally wounded like that poor duck at the Bayside oil spill.
Alright, we have four owners who still enjoy going to this website and I’ll try to pump out a Final Four preview for you dudes before the weekend begins.