Every year about this time, I make a horse racing comparison for how our league is shaping up as we enter the home stretch. Much like Rick Reilly, Mark Kizsla, and Woody Paige, I’ve been writing about the same shit for longer than anyone thought or wanted me to, which means my limited mind and writing abilities go back to the well to scoop out the same old tropes as I have every year. I also like to refer back to yesteryear with this crew because that was fun as fuck so we’ll dust off the PS2 and augment the horse racing analogies with an all-time time wasting game in Gallop Racer. So put on your silks, grab your whip, and saddle up because iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttt’s post time for our D12 week 10 recap.
And they’re off...
The Bushwhackers
Current position: 1st and pulling away
These two have navigated an almost perfect ride so far and as we turn the corner into the stretch, these guys are striding confidently and pulling away. After a 7 point loss to Suer in week 1, the Pep’s have rattled off nine consecutive wins and are all but assured of winning their first regular season title and possibly a points title as well. Peterson is all the way back to his dominating form, all three starting receivers are ranked in the top 10, and Carson Palmer has been a great fill-in for an injured Luck. Top-to-bottom this is our best team and these two should cross the regular season wire ahead of the pack by at least a couple lengths and will be in great shape to win their first Granger Cup. The Pep's didn't count on their backup contributing as well as he had this year but Carson Palmer's real life backup is loving what he's seeing from this QB and is doing the same dance the Pep's do in the living room watching this team go, go go!
The Bushwhackers
Current position: 1st and pulling away
These two have navigated an almost perfect ride so far and as we turn the corner into the stretch, these guys are striding confidently and pulling away. After a 7 point loss to Suer in week 1, the Pep’s have rattled off nine consecutive wins and are all but assured of winning their first regular season title and possibly a points title as well. Peterson is all the way back to his dominating form, all three starting receivers are ranked in the top 10, and Carson Palmer has been a great fill-in for an injured Luck. Top-to-bottom this is our best team and these two should cross the regular season wire ahead of the pack by at least a couple lengths and will be in great shape to win their first Granger Cup. The Pep's didn't count on their backup contributing as well as he had this year but Carson Palmer's real life backup is loving what he's seeing from this QB and is doing the same dance the Pep's do in the living room watching this team go, go go!
Denver Donkey Punches
Current position: 2nd and losing steam
No matter what jockey Zach puts on the saddles of his Donkeys, they always find a way to win their owner some money and they are in a position to do that again this year. The overall body of work isn’t pretty with a lot of underachievers on this roster but every week it seems like 2-4 guys play out of their minds to vault Zach to a win and keep him towards the top of the standings. Eli and Odell have been the best New York combo since Ruth and Gehrig but otherwise, it’s hard to trust any position player on this roster. This team is really missing Arian Foster and it’s never fun when your RB2 just gets cut midseason like Joseph Randle did. We’ve seen the Broncos and McManus look crappy the last two weeks and if Zach can’t maintain his huge advantage from the D and K spots, it might be the straw that breaks this donkey’s back and sends them home with no cash in 2015.
I’m Your Huckleberry
Current position: 3rd and starting to sweat
It’s basically been a three horse race since about week 5 but while the Pep’s stride has gotten stronger, Zach and Castillo’s is starting to weaken. Castillo has three RB’s he can mix-and-match and generally get double digit points and he’s going to need to get at least 20 combined from his RB’s every week because his receivers are piss poor. Castillo has a collection of guys that are not the first read for their QB’s, which means the ceiling and floor are pretty low for all of these dudes. Gary Barnidge has been a great surprise this year and Derek Carr looks like a reliable QB which means this team probably will keep it close the rest of the way but Yo is going to have to use the whip perfectly on the receivers in order to make a sudden surge for the Ganger Cup.
Current position: 2nd and losing steam
No matter what jockey Zach puts on the saddles of his Donkeys, they always find a way to win their owner some money and they are in a position to do that again this year. The overall body of work isn’t pretty with a lot of underachievers on this roster but every week it seems like 2-4 guys play out of their minds to vault Zach to a win and keep him towards the top of the standings. Eli and Odell have been the best New York combo since Ruth and Gehrig but otherwise, it’s hard to trust any position player on this roster. This team is really missing Arian Foster and it’s never fun when your RB2 just gets cut midseason like Joseph Randle did. We’ve seen the Broncos and McManus look crappy the last two weeks and if Zach can’t maintain his huge advantage from the D and K spots, it might be the straw that breaks this donkey’s back and sends them home with no cash in 2015.
I’m Your Huckleberry
Current position: 3rd and starting to sweat
It’s basically been a three horse race since about week 5 but while the Pep’s stride has gotten stronger, Zach and Castillo’s is starting to weaken. Castillo has three RB’s he can mix-and-match and generally get double digit points and he’s going to need to get at least 20 combined from his RB’s every week because his receivers are piss poor. Castillo has a collection of guys that are not the first read for their QB’s, which means the ceiling and floor are pretty low for all of these dudes. Gary Barnidge has been a great surprise this year and Derek Carr looks like a reliable QB which means this team probably will keep it close the rest of the way but Yo is going to have to use the whip perfectly on the receivers in order to make a sudden surge for the Ganger Cup.
Demaryius Targaryen
Current position: 4th and needing to settle
This team made a real thrust at the quarter pole but the temperament of this horse is equal to that of Dez Bryant. There’s no doubting the talent within them but their sociopathic mood swings could submarine this season. Cam Newton won’t make many friends on the field due to his soul train routine but he’s been a reliable buddy for Jordan most of the season. Gurley and Ingram make up our most consistent backfield but it is the receivers that fluctuate weekly and usually determine a win or loss for this team. D.T., Jeffrey, and Cooper are all physical freaks but they have had as many bad weeks as they have excellent weeks this season. In fact, this team, for all of their talent, has only scored over 100 points three out of ten times so far. The Targaryen's have too good of a bloodline to suddenly get blown out by the rest of the league but this horse loves to buck and kick in the starting gates and there’s always a chance they spent a little too much energy catching up to the rest of the league and might not have enough juice to win it all.
Westminster Warriors
Current position: 5th and trying to find the groove
Dante Bichette, Larry Walker, and Vinny Castilla all played for an awful franchise, got lots of chances on offense, and were usually not taken seriously. They remind me of Jeff Fanning’s QB1 who is always playing from behind, gets lots of opportunities, and is putting up plenty of points while going unnoticed. These similarities is why now I must call this fantasy team The Blake Street Bortles. A.J. Green is great but seems to be just a bit off this season and Fanning is taking longer in finding a reliable WR2 and WR3 than we did finding a reliable drive home from Washington’s. Ivory has been really good and mostly healthy, which has been huge and Gronk is as alpha and as awesome as ever. I get the feeling that Fanning has been atop this horse trying to find a rhythm all year long and this horse has just not been receptive to whatever adjustment Jeff has tried to make. This is a team that could potentially finish in the money if they figure it out but it’s also a team that could easily fall back and be a forgotten horse come playoff time.
Dirk Diggler
Current position: 6th and mudding
J.P. hasn’t scored over 100 points in seven weeks but he’s still smack dab in the middle of the standings as we head down the stretch. The reason J.P. isn’t running as hard as he used to is thanks to an injury to Steve Smith, sloppy play of Matt Ryan, and disappointing seasons from Murray and Forsett. Brandon Marshall has somehow been a steady influence on this roster and J.P. has made some smart moves with his WR3 and TE spots but overall, this looks like a Grade 3 horse trying to run in a G1 race. We’ve seen Matt Ryan & Co. use the whip brilliantly in past seasons so there’s always a chance this horse finds an extra gear out of nowhere so don’t be surprised if diZerega grinds himself into contention. As Cosmo Kramer would describe this team, “He’s a mudder. His mother was a mudder, his father was a mudder.”
Current position: 4th and needing to settle
This team made a real thrust at the quarter pole but the temperament of this horse is equal to that of Dez Bryant. There’s no doubting the talent within them but their sociopathic mood swings could submarine this season. Cam Newton won’t make many friends on the field due to his soul train routine but he’s been a reliable buddy for Jordan most of the season. Gurley and Ingram make up our most consistent backfield but it is the receivers that fluctuate weekly and usually determine a win or loss for this team. D.T., Jeffrey, and Cooper are all physical freaks but they have had as many bad weeks as they have excellent weeks this season. In fact, this team, for all of their talent, has only scored over 100 points three out of ten times so far. The Targaryen's have too good of a bloodline to suddenly get blown out by the rest of the league but this horse loves to buck and kick in the starting gates and there’s always a chance they spent a little too much energy catching up to the rest of the league and might not have enough juice to win it all.
Westminster Warriors
Current position: 5th and trying to find the groove
Dante Bichette, Larry Walker, and Vinny Castilla all played for an awful franchise, got lots of chances on offense, and were usually not taken seriously. They remind me of Jeff Fanning’s QB1 who is always playing from behind, gets lots of opportunities, and is putting up plenty of points while going unnoticed. These similarities is why now I must call this fantasy team The Blake Street Bortles. A.J. Green is great but seems to be just a bit off this season and Fanning is taking longer in finding a reliable WR2 and WR3 than we did finding a reliable drive home from Washington’s. Ivory has been really good and mostly healthy, which has been huge and Gronk is as alpha and as awesome as ever. I get the feeling that Fanning has been atop this horse trying to find a rhythm all year long and this horse has just not been receptive to whatever adjustment Jeff has tried to make. This is a team that could potentially finish in the money if they figure it out but it’s also a team that could easily fall back and be a forgotten horse come playoff time.
Dirk Diggler
Current position: 6th and mudding
J.P. hasn’t scored over 100 points in seven weeks but he’s still smack dab in the middle of the standings as we head down the stretch. The reason J.P. isn’t running as hard as he used to is thanks to an injury to Steve Smith, sloppy play of Matt Ryan, and disappointing seasons from Murray and Forsett. Brandon Marshall has somehow been a steady influence on this roster and J.P. has made some smart moves with his WR3 and TE spots but overall, this looks like a Grade 3 horse trying to run in a G1 race. We’ve seen Matt Ryan & Co. use the whip brilliantly in past seasons so there’s always a chance this horse finds an extra gear out of nowhere so don’t be surprised if diZerega grinds himself into contention. As Cosmo Kramer would describe this team, “He’s a mudder. His mother was a mudder, his father was a mudder.”
Miller’s All-Stars
Current position: 7th and confused
Kevin’s horse made a Seabuscuit-like surge in the middle of the season to make a push but this looks like another horse that stepped on the gas too early. Petty has to be worried once again about his QB spot after Andy Dalton’s MNF game bombed worse than J.J. Watt’s stupid bb gun joke. There’s been no consistency on what Emmanuel Sanders and Maclin produce on a weekly basis and the same goes for Kelce, who is the 5th ranked tight end but really hasn’t done shit since week 1. Alfred Blue looks like he’s running in snow pants all the time and I’ve written enough about Kevin’s struggles with his D/ST for you to know that he’s happy with anything over zero at this point. I tabbed this team as the 2015 champion after the draft and unless these players realize that this race is about to end and it’s time to make a move, this will be another team that fails to live up to the manufactured preseason hype created by the commish.
That’s My Forte
Current position: 8th and hobbling
I’m not sure if Meyer is in full blown panic mode yet but if he were, I’m here to bring over a six pack and try to cheer him up. Yes, the injuries to Jamaal Charles and Matt Forte have been crucial. And yes, this team has lost four in a row and is now in serious danger of missing the playoffs. But Granger, I see brighter days ahead. During this four game losing streak, the least amount of points Meyer has scored is 95.8. Unfortunately, the least amount of points an opponent has scored during this span is 110.8. Meyer’s been really unlucky with his schedule lately and if this team can stay in the playoffs, they have the look of a serious 7 or 8 seed that pulls off a 1st round upset each and every year. There’s no question that the losses of his RB’s probably cost him a win or two lately and he’ll need to find at least one RB to trust but this team is still ranked 4th in points and honestly could win the points title if they have a few really strong weeks. I know this past month hasn’t gone the way Meyer had hoped it would and he’s had to mourn the loss of some really good fantasy friends lately but Meyer, it’s time to snap out of your funk and look deep into the eyes of your team and if you do, you’ll see a lot of stats and talent that should make you optimistic about the end of the season. This horse has grit and that trait should help dig Meyer out of whatever unlucky hole has been dug for him so far.
Current position: 7th and confused
Kevin’s horse made a Seabuscuit-like surge in the middle of the season to make a push but this looks like another horse that stepped on the gas too early. Petty has to be worried once again about his QB spot after Andy Dalton’s MNF game bombed worse than J.J. Watt’s stupid bb gun joke. There’s been no consistency on what Emmanuel Sanders and Maclin produce on a weekly basis and the same goes for Kelce, who is the 5th ranked tight end but really hasn’t done shit since week 1. Alfred Blue looks like he’s running in snow pants all the time and I’ve written enough about Kevin’s struggles with his D/ST for you to know that he’s happy with anything over zero at this point. I tabbed this team as the 2015 champion after the draft and unless these players realize that this race is about to end and it’s time to make a move, this will be another team that fails to live up to the manufactured preseason hype created by the commish.
That’s My Forte
Current position: 8th and hobbling
I’m not sure if Meyer is in full blown panic mode yet but if he were, I’m here to bring over a six pack and try to cheer him up. Yes, the injuries to Jamaal Charles and Matt Forte have been crucial. And yes, this team has lost four in a row and is now in serious danger of missing the playoffs. But Granger, I see brighter days ahead. During this four game losing streak, the least amount of points Meyer has scored is 95.8. Unfortunately, the least amount of points an opponent has scored during this span is 110.8. Meyer’s been really unlucky with his schedule lately and if this team can stay in the playoffs, they have the look of a serious 7 or 8 seed that pulls off a 1st round upset each and every year. There’s no question that the losses of his RB’s probably cost him a win or two lately and he’ll need to find at least one RB to trust but this team is still ranked 4th in points and honestly could win the points title if they have a few really strong weeks. I know this past month hasn’t gone the way Meyer had hoped it would and he’s had to mourn the loss of some really good fantasy friends lately but Meyer, it’s time to snap out of your funk and look deep into the eyes of your team and if you do, you’ll see a lot of stats and talent that should make you optimistic about the end of the season. This horse has grit and that trait should help dig Meyer out of whatever unlucky hole has been dug for him so far.
You done messed with A-A’Ron
Current position: 9th and getting bumped all over the place
No matter the track, no matter the race, this horse gets boxed in early and is forced into a rough ride thanks to the other jerks around him. Ch. Marvel has the 5th most points scored but he would miss the playoffs if they started today because he has the 2nd most points against. Chris can’t blame all of his 9th position to shitty scheduling luck as he ignored running backs on draft night and has been burned by that a little bit. It’s probably best if he doesn’t think of a scenario for this team if Freeman doesn’t emerge like he has. Woof. He does have some nice receivers but the Edelman injury was like a surprise kick to Ronda Rousey’s face and James Jones is tumbling down Rodgers’s passing totem pole, so the margin for error is shrinking even though Chris still has the best and most entertaining WR in the game.
Current position: 9th and getting bumped all over the place
No matter the track, no matter the race, this horse gets boxed in early and is forced into a rough ride thanks to the other jerks around him. Ch. Marvel has the 5th most points scored but he would miss the playoffs if they started today because he has the 2nd most points against. Chris can’t blame all of his 9th position to shitty scheduling luck as he ignored running backs on draft night and has been burned by that a little bit. It’s probably best if he doesn’t think of a scenario for this team if Freeman doesn’t emerge like he has. Woof. He does have some nice receivers but the Edelman injury was like a surprise kick to Ronda Rousey’s face and James Jones is tumbling down Rodgers’s passing totem pole, so the margin for error is shrinking even though Chris still has the best and most entertaining WR in the game.
Devonta Freeman is still a huge diamond in the rough and Aaron Rodgers still can put up points no matter how funky the Packers offense looks, so much like Meyer, I think Chris could use a cold six pack from a buddy and he could use a little friendly encouragement to remind him that this is a team that can make some noise if they get into the big dance.
Nerf Turbos
Current position: 10th and making a push
I made an appointment for the glue factory three weeks ago but I had to call back and cancel that reservation on Tuesday because this has been one of the hottest teams in the league and might sneak into the playoffs if everything falls into place. Picking up players like Cousins, Langford, and Delanie Walker have worked out much better than the commish anticipated and Brandin Cooks is finally giving Jerome what he thought he would get on draft night. Mike Evans is getting tons of targets, Stewart is staying healthy, and Phil Rivers is throwing more than Nolan Ryan, which has turned this season around. Cobb can’t get open and Lacy still looks like Bengie Molina but I’m finally able to have a small slice of optimism if I focus on the non-Green Bay players. There’s still a lot of work to do thanks to a shitty start but a couple more wins might get this team in the playoffs and give the commish a reason to pour himself a mint julep come December.
Johnson & Johnson
Current position: 11th and on life support
Watching Peyton Manning last Sunday was painful and sad. Many Broncos fans knew in the back of their minds that Peyton was probably cooked but nobody really wanted to admit it and we definitely didn’t want to see it played out in front of us like it did against the Chiefs. I have to think that is the mindset Dan and Corey had with their fantasy QB as well. Manning was pretty bad all year but D&C kept trotting him out there and whether it was stubbornness or blind faith, it burned this fantasy team. This is the lowest scoring team in our league and after three straight losses, it looks like these guys are now in danger of finishing dead last. Peyton isn’t the only problem though as Megatron has also looked old and broken down most of the season, Julius Thomas is terrible, and these running backs have struggled during this three game losing streak. Who knows, maybe a change in quarterback will revitalize the Broncos offense and this fantasy team this week but it’s also very likely that the decent talent on this team will be erased by rolling out an old, battered quarterback every week. A -6.6 fantasy day might be the sad end of Peyton’s career and we might have just witnessed the sad end to any title hopes this fantasy team had.
Dick Tickling Cock Jockeys
Current position: 12th and fighting hard
When we tossed the PS2 controller to Dave at the start of the season, he looked like a guy that had never played this game and was frantically trying to learn the buttons as all 12 horses were being loaded into the starting gates. Dealing with injuries and anger, Dave smashed the X button too late compared to his opponents and this was the start the Cock Jockeys had.
Nerf Turbos
Current position: 10th and making a push
I made an appointment for the glue factory three weeks ago but I had to call back and cancel that reservation on Tuesday because this has been one of the hottest teams in the league and might sneak into the playoffs if everything falls into place. Picking up players like Cousins, Langford, and Delanie Walker have worked out much better than the commish anticipated and Brandin Cooks is finally giving Jerome what he thought he would get on draft night. Mike Evans is getting tons of targets, Stewart is staying healthy, and Phil Rivers is throwing more than Nolan Ryan, which has turned this season around. Cobb can’t get open and Lacy still looks like Bengie Molina but I’m finally able to have a small slice of optimism if I focus on the non-Green Bay players. There’s still a lot of work to do thanks to a shitty start but a couple more wins might get this team in the playoffs and give the commish a reason to pour himself a mint julep come December.
Johnson & Johnson
Current position: 11th and on life support
Watching Peyton Manning last Sunday was painful and sad. Many Broncos fans knew in the back of their minds that Peyton was probably cooked but nobody really wanted to admit it and we definitely didn’t want to see it played out in front of us like it did against the Chiefs. I have to think that is the mindset Dan and Corey had with their fantasy QB as well. Manning was pretty bad all year but D&C kept trotting him out there and whether it was stubbornness or blind faith, it burned this fantasy team. This is the lowest scoring team in our league and after three straight losses, it looks like these guys are now in danger of finishing dead last. Peyton isn’t the only problem though as Megatron has also looked old and broken down most of the season, Julius Thomas is terrible, and these running backs have struggled during this three game losing streak. Who knows, maybe a change in quarterback will revitalize the Broncos offense and this fantasy team this week but it’s also very likely that the decent talent on this team will be erased by rolling out an old, battered quarterback every week. A -6.6 fantasy day might be the sad end of Peyton’s career and we might have just witnessed the sad end to any title hopes this fantasy team had.
Dick Tickling Cock Jockeys
Current position: 12th and fighting hard
When we tossed the PS2 controller to Dave at the start of the season, he looked like a guy that had never played this game and was frantically trying to learn the buttons as all 12 horses were being loaded into the starting gates. Dealing with injuries and anger, Dave smashed the X button too late compared to his opponents and this was the start the Cock Jockeys had.
There’s a high likelihood this bad start is going to be the reason Dave plays 13 weeks and no more in this league but we have to give him credit for gathering himself and returning back to the pack as we enter the home stretch. This is the hottest team points-wise in our league over the last three weeks and Dave has embraced his role as the Dirty Dozen spoiler. LeSean McCoy finally looks like the dynamic running back we used to love, Lamar Miller is on an incredible roll, Greg Olsen is a stud, and Dave is making smart moves with this D/ST and kicker spots in an attempt to rise out of the basement. There’s still a very small chance Dave can make an improbable playoff push but at least it's a possibility now and if nothing else, this is a team that might ruin some other poor D12er’s playoff hopes.
As we enter week 11, we are extremely bunched up in the middle, which should make for some really fun final weeks as we jockey for playoff position. The Pep's have distanced themselves as the clear leaders but the points title hangs in the balance, as do five playoff spots. Many teams could find themselves as a 3 or 4 seed in the playoffs just as easily as they could finish out of the big dance this year. It should be an entertaining race to watch and hopefully we'll all experience a little bit of that adrenaline rush we get when we see our horse make a move around the turn and charge for the Granger Cup.
As we enter week 11, we are extremely bunched up in the middle, which should make for some really fun final weeks as we jockey for playoff position. The Pep's have distanced themselves as the clear leaders but the points title hangs in the balance, as do five playoff spots. Many teams could find themselves as a 3 or 4 seed in the playoffs just as easily as they could finish out of the big dance this year. It should be an entertaining race to watch and hopefully we'll all experience a little bit of that adrenaline rush we get when we see our horse make a move around the turn and charge for the Granger Cup.