There were no widespread themes this week in the Dirty Dozen, at least none that I can think of, so I'm not going to try to setup anything you're about to read below. Just act like a fullback, lower your head, and only focus on your target of squaring up this week five recap and knocking it out.
Ahwatukee Drunk Cactusman vs. Dirk Diggler
No member in our league has had a harder time beating another member in our league than Dave Cress has with J.P. diZerega. Cress is a humiliating 2-13 all time against one of our all time greats so you could probably predict how this Sunday would go for Dave before it started. Dave very likely kept his hopes low but even he was hoping to score more than the 68.3 points his team mustered on the day, which ran his record to a very Jaguars-esque 2-14 against diZerega all time. It was more of the same for David as his quarterback underperformed with an advantageous matchup, his running backs stalled and got injured, and his receivers not named Dez continued to disappoint. This season might've been cursed from the get-go once Dave drafted Cam Newton's ankle, saw his computer botch his Greg Olsen pick, then had to ship off his first and third round picks after watching them play like dogshit. Obviously that trade has gone about as bad as it could possibly go for Dave as the help he was seeking in the backfield from Bush and Ball has yet to occur and probably won't for a while based on their unfortunate week 5 injuries. Dave is almost out of time to get back into the playoff conversation as he's trying his hardest to push his wheel barrow full of players up the ramp but he's continuously getting shit dumped on him for his effort.
Ahwatukee Drunk Cactusman vs. Dirk Diggler
No member in our league has had a harder time beating another member in our league than Dave Cress has with J.P. diZerega. Cress is a humiliating 2-13 all time against one of our all time greats so you could probably predict how this Sunday would go for Dave before it started. Dave very likely kept his hopes low but even he was hoping to score more than the 68.3 points his team mustered on the day, which ran his record to a very Jaguars-esque 2-14 against diZerega all time. It was more of the same for David as his quarterback underperformed with an advantageous matchup, his running backs stalled and got injured, and his receivers not named Dez continued to disappoint. This season might've been cursed from the get-go once Dave drafted Cam Newton's ankle, saw his computer botch his Greg Olsen pick, then had to ship off his first and third round picks after watching them play like dogshit. Obviously that trade has gone about as bad as it could possibly go for Dave as the help he was seeking in the backfield from Bush and Ball has yet to occur and probably won't for a while based on their unfortunate week 5 injuries. Dave is almost out of time to get back into the playoff conversation as he's trying his hardest to push his wheel barrow full of players up the ramp but he's continuously getting shit dumped on him for his effort.
There are certain things you can always count on with J.P. One, he'll probably ask you for a chew if he's running low. Two, he's going to say the word "fuck" no less than 10 times for every beer he drinks throughout the night. And three, he's going to be a major contender in his Dirty Dozen fantasy football league every year. J.P.'s at it again in 2014 as he's put together a team that is finding a way to win each week. His top scoring player was the Chargers D with 19 points, which doesn't knock your knickers off but he had yet another consistent effort from most all of his players which allowed him to score 100.5 points and make Dave tap out, as usual. Matt Ryan and Julio Jones hooked up 11 times on Sunday, which somehow only equaled up to 27.1 combined points from them both but then again, J.P. didn't need high scoring players to come away with a win this week. Antonio Gates might not consistently earn points like he usually does but he's also got some big games left in his tank and Gates was back at it again this week with two touchdowns and 18 fantasy points. DeMarco Murray continues to lose fumbles but it's not effecting his touches as he's always right back in there no matter what and even though the Cowboys might be playing with fire with the amount of carries he's getting right now, J.P. is fine riding this horse just like Jason Garrett will do all year. Jason Garrett is a pretty terrible coach and J.P. certainly has proven he is not a terrible coach in our league which means we can count on this fantasy team to be at the top of the standings just like the Cowboys did consistently in the 70's and 90's.
That's My Forte vs. Nerf Turbos
Meyer went into this week with a 4-0 record and while most of that is due to a solid roster, some of that is also due to the fact that Granger's team had the fewest points against in the entire league going into week five. Meyer might've thought a date with DeFelice would extend his fortunate points against luck streak but it didn't even take until halftime of the Thursday night game for Meyer to realize he may be in trouble. Jeff had himself a 75.4 point deficit going into the weekend, thanks mostly to the Vikings being piss poor at football and this forced Granger to wish for a handful of 20+ point games to climb back into this one and remain undefeated. Meyer did put up a respectable 99.6 points but it wasn't enough to stay perfect when Sunday ended. Philip Rivers threw for three touchdowns and scored 27.7 points for Jeff and he's not only a dependable QB1 for Meyer, he's in the conversation of being a top 5 quarterback in fantasy football. Matt Forte looked really good catching the ball and even though his lost fumble was an absolute killer for the Bears, his 20.6 point game won't cause any anger on the Jeff Meyer sideline. Granger has to start becoming a little concerned if he isn't already about the health of Brandon Marshall and Andre Johnson who are both not playing like fully healthy football players. Jeff could really use a bye week for both of these guys, which won't come anytime soon unfortunately and Meyer might just have to get comfortable with these big black boys putting up small receiving numbers until their ankles heal up. At least Emmanuel Sanders looks spry out there and it's only a matter of time before he gets a touchdown and a buttload of points. Jeff had yet to have an opponent score more than 77 points in a game so far this year so it was probably about time he get put to the test and leave Zach as the only remaining undefeated team in our league.
I can't put my finger on it but something has changed for the commissioner. The air smells fresher when I wake up. Food tastes better. My knees don't sound like bubble wrap when I crouch. I don't quite know what it could be but something definitely has me bouncing around like Richard fucking Simmons the past couple of weeks. I think it might have to do with the fact that my D12 fantasy football team kind of looks like they know what the hell they're doing now. I would rather watch game seven of the 2004 ALCS than a Thursday Night football game lately but I couldn't get enough of watching Aaron Rodgers, Eddie Lacy, and the Packers D score 75 points that night. It could be the crappy Vikings D that made Lacy look like last year's version but if he's going to start running like a Brahma bull again, that bodes well for the commish. I generally expect my streaming D/ST picks to score somewhere in the 2-7 point range for me every week so it was nice for me to actually look like I know what I'm doing by picking up the Packers D on Thursday and then watching them take a switch to the Vikings that night for 26 points. Rodgers might've only completed 11 passes but three of them went for touchdowns, which is what we call in this business, "efficient". The morning games didn't start out great for me but once Alshon Jeffery found his way into the endzone, it allowed me to relax and pour a celebratory Coors Light into my mouth, which tasted like it was truly made with fresh mountain spring water. My trade has worked out about 100 times better than I anticipated and even though this team is far from being a championship contender just yet, with the third most points scored in this league right now, they are trending in the right direction.
I'm Your Huckleberry vs. Denver Donkey Punches
Drinking at an open bar can cause some people to say and do things that they might regret the following day. Castillo was on a mission Saturday night with the prospects of free booze and no wife n' kids for an entire night and after the fourth or fifth fireball shot, he decided to start poking the bear that is Zach Suer. Castillo is known to run his mouth from time to time and he predicted he would be the one to end Zach's winning streak, which in the end made his face more red than a night of nonstop fireball whiskey. I too thought Castillo had a fighting chance but when it was over, Castillo was just another mauled victim that thought he could go toe to toe with the beast. Andrew Luck didn't play his best ball but he did score 21.6 points which represented the best day on this fantasy team by far. The rest of this team looked hungover on Sunday as only Randall Cobb was able to get into the endzone, which occured Thursday night. Larry Donnell hit the fantasy world by storm last week but he showed that a he might not be more than a flash in the pan afterall after getting just one target for the Giants on Sunday and a big ol' zero on the scoreboard for Castillo. There just wasn't a lot going on for this team this week and even though Castillo was full of alcohol and confidence on Saturday night it was only a matter of time before he made a fool of himself and passed out for the rest of our league to mock as the latest casualty to an open bar and the juggernaut Donkey Punch machine.
That's My Forte vs. Nerf Turbos
Meyer went into this week with a 4-0 record and while most of that is due to a solid roster, some of that is also due to the fact that Granger's team had the fewest points against in the entire league going into week five. Meyer might've thought a date with DeFelice would extend his fortunate points against luck streak but it didn't even take until halftime of the Thursday night game for Meyer to realize he may be in trouble. Jeff had himself a 75.4 point deficit going into the weekend, thanks mostly to the Vikings being piss poor at football and this forced Granger to wish for a handful of 20+ point games to climb back into this one and remain undefeated. Meyer did put up a respectable 99.6 points but it wasn't enough to stay perfect when Sunday ended. Philip Rivers threw for three touchdowns and scored 27.7 points for Jeff and he's not only a dependable QB1 for Meyer, he's in the conversation of being a top 5 quarterback in fantasy football. Matt Forte looked really good catching the ball and even though his lost fumble was an absolute killer for the Bears, his 20.6 point game won't cause any anger on the Jeff Meyer sideline. Granger has to start becoming a little concerned if he isn't already about the health of Brandon Marshall and Andre Johnson who are both not playing like fully healthy football players. Jeff could really use a bye week for both of these guys, which won't come anytime soon unfortunately and Meyer might just have to get comfortable with these big black boys putting up small receiving numbers until their ankles heal up. At least Emmanuel Sanders looks spry out there and it's only a matter of time before he gets a touchdown and a buttload of points. Jeff had yet to have an opponent score more than 77 points in a game so far this year so it was probably about time he get put to the test and leave Zach as the only remaining undefeated team in our league.
I can't put my finger on it but something has changed for the commissioner. The air smells fresher when I wake up. Food tastes better. My knees don't sound like bubble wrap when I crouch. I don't quite know what it could be but something definitely has me bouncing around like Richard fucking Simmons the past couple of weeks. I think it might have to do with the fact that my D12 fantasy football team kind of looks like they know what the hell they're doing now. I would rather watch game seven of the 2004 ALCS than a Thursday Night football game lately but I couldn't get enough of watching Aaron Rodgers, Eddie Lacy, and the Packers D score 75 points that night. It could be the crappy Vikings D that made Lacy look like last year's version but if he's going to start running like a Brahma bull again, that bodes well for the commish. I generally expect my streaming D/ST picks to score somewhere in the 2-7 point range for me every week so it was nice for me to actually look like I know what I'm doing by picking up the Packers D on Thursday and then watching them take a switch to the Vikings that night for 26 points. Rodgers might've only completed 11 passes but three of them went for touchdowns, which is what we call in this business, "efficient". The morning games didn't start out great for me but once Alshon Jeffery found his way into the endzone, it allowed me to relax and pour a celebratory Coors Light into my mouth, which tasted like it was truly made with fresh mountain spring water. My trade has worked out about 100 times better than I anticipated and even though this team is far from being a championship contender just yet, with the third most points scored in this league right now, they are trending in the right direction.
I'm Your Huckleberry vs. Denver Donkey Punches
Drinking at an open bar can cause some people to say and do things that they might regret the following day. Castillo was on a mission Saturday night with the prospects of free booze and no wife n' kids for an entire night and after the fourth or fifth fireball shot, he decided to start poking the bear that is Zach Suer. Castillo is known to run his mouth from time to time and he predicted he would be the one to end Zach's winning streak, which in the end made his face more red than a night of nonstop fireball whiskey. I too thought Castillo had a fighting chance but when it was over, Castillo was just another mauled victim that thought he could go toe to toe with the beast. Andrew Luck didn't play his best ball but he did score 21.6 points which represented the best day on this fantasy team by far. The rest of this team looked hungover on Sunday as only Randall Cobb was able to get into the endzone, which occured Thursday night. Larry Donnell hit the fantasy world by storm last week but he showed that a he might not be more than a flash in the pan afterall after getting just one target for the Giants on Sunday and a big ol' zero on the scoreboard for Castillo. There just wasn't a lot going on for this team this week and even though Castillo was full of alcohol and confidence on Saturday night it was only a matter of time before he made a fool of himself and passed out for the rest of our league to mock as the latest casualty to an open bar and the juggernaut Donkey Punch machine.
After a bad game from Matt Asiata on Thursday and a fair amount of tough matchups on the board for the Donkey Punches to overcome, it appeared that maybe Castillo was right in assuming he could beat Zach this week. Many owners that spoke with the commish this week predicted that the Broncos might struggle to score points against the Cardinals but Peyton Manning laid all those predictions to waste with a monster 38.8 point fantasy game thanks to 479 yards passing and four touchdowns. Two of those touchdowns went to Julius Thomas who might not rack up a ton of yards but is obviously Peyton's preferred target once they get the scent of the goal line. Out of Thomas's 20 catches this year, seven of them have gone for touchdowns. Jeremy Maclin and Golden Tate also proved that they can be reliable touchdown catchers as they both found paydirt and both combined for 33 fantasy points. Zach's start of the Steelers D was a good one, as starting a D against the Jaguars always has been and always will be, it appears. Zach took an unfavorable matchup, laughed at it, and then proceeded to score 131.6 points to prove once again that any confidence you have in defeating our defending champ will be quickly deflated. Zach has our most points scored and least points against which is making the final score of his games resemble that of a collection of basketball players that ruled Barcelona in 1992.
Ambiguously Gay Duo vs. Graham's Crackers
The numbers you see in the Peppel's boxscore will not impress you much at all but this team got enough big plays at the right time and that along with playing a fantasy team with a sputtering ground attack allowed Ace and Gary to move to 3-2 on the season. Jay Culter is a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde QB this season as he's been able to do whatever he wants in the first half and then looks totally lost in the second half of almost every game so far this year. Even though he can be frustrating to watch, he has yet to score less than 20 points in a game and has been a very nice pick for the Pep's so far. Cutler's 25.6 points might be a tad disappointing based on his hot Sunday start but it's a total that the Pep's will accept without much hesitation. Khiry Robinson wasn't doing a whole lot with his carries but he did play the role of the hero when he notched a walkoff touchdown in overtime to lift his fantasy totals to 15.7 on the day. Jordy Nelson only caught one pass on Thursday but that pass was a 66 yarder that went for a touchdown and his 12.6 fantasy points will salvage what could've been a very quiet night in the rain for Jordy. The star of the day was Greg Olsen who broke out in a big way with two touchdowns and 19.2 fantasy points, which more or less clinched a win for the Gay Duo. It seems that one D a week will post a vintage Tiger Woods score and this week it was the Bengals that fell victim to a decent looking matchup with horrific results. While it didn't cost these bros the game, the -9 points was embarrassing for the Pep's and might cause some uneasiness in the locker room for what was considered a must start D going into Sunday night.
Chris Marvel looked like a world beater in the first two weeks of the season but if he continues to watch Shady get swallowed up behind that shaky offensive line, this team is going to struggle to get back to elite status. McCoy said he was tired of talking this week, which is a sentence I never thought was possible out of LeSean's mouth but he's been humbled a bit this season with a combined 10.5 fantasy points over his past three weeks. Chris might be rooting hard for the health of a player that's not even on his roster as he knows that Stafford does not have the same scoring potential if Megatron isn't 100% and Megatron is clearly nowhere near 100% right now, which means 13.6 point games could become more common for Stafford until Calvin Johnson gets right. Antonio Brown didn't take advantage of a very appealing matchup against the Jags this week even though 8.4 points isn't something to get too upset about. Chris will need to worry about the health of Jimmy Graham who seems to get beatup around this point each and every season and if Graham is out for any period of time or isn't fully healthy, Chris's tight end productivity could fall off a cliff. Marvel can't afford that based on his paltry running game and inconsistent quarterback play but it's not quite panic time for Chris just yet although he's walking a fine line here where one more injury could represent a major problem for this team.
Foles Gold vs. Demaryius Targaryen
This game looked like a real snoozer on paper and as we headed into the afternoon games on Sunday, this game had the potential of being the worst of 2014. Luckily for our viewers at home, these teams decided to get busy with the scoring in the afternoon and night. The loser of this game would move to 1-4 on the season and thanks to some truly uninspired performances, the losers were Corey and Dan. This is now four losses in a row for C&D Fantasy Factory as this season is starting to slip away like a pass through C.J. Spiller's hands. Spiller has followed up his brutal 2013 season with a pretty bad 2014 year as he's not making big plays and generally looks lost when running the ball. His 3.3 points was his fourth single digit game in a row and might be enough for C&D to look elsewhere for RB2 points. It's a shame that Megatron has been banged up and not just because we don't get to watch the best receiver do his thing every week. For Calvin Johnson owners, this lingering ankle injury is the worst because the Lions are going to play him merely as a decoy and fantasy owners need some huevos to bench Megatron while he's in the Lions starting lineup. Cal's 0.7 points was another dud game and more reason for Megatron owners to plead the Lions to just sit his ass until that ankle is fully healed. Steve Smith Jr's dad, Heath Miller, Texans D, and Gould all scored five points or less to open the door wide open for Jordan to get a win, which he did with ease. I'm not sure if Corey or Dan contracted the virus first but this team got a wicked case of fantasy ebola in week two and it looks like they might dwindle away and die if they don't get an injection of points very soon.
Jordan looked intent on taking it easy on his twin brother but instead he decided that fantasy is thicker than blood and turned this game into a bloodbath for Corey. It certainly didn't start out great for Jordan who saw Doug Martin continue his 2014 trend of not doing anything exciting while Cruz and Cameron Jordan scored 2.2 and 3.3 points respectively. Granted, Jordan had a lot of guys going in the afternoon and night but a glance at the projections along with some of these player's prior performances looked like a gloomy forecast for Jordan. Alas, his team stepped up when needed, which definitely hasn't been the case all year. Demaryius Thomas needed a game like this and he looked much less timid and much more tenacious this Sunday by making nice grabs and showcasing his awesome YAC potential. Thomas's 34.6 points was a game changer and is hopefully a sign of things to come for Jordan. I really wouldn't have blamed Jordan at all if he decided to bench Brady but he proved faithful to one of the best QB's of all time and Brady repaid that faith with a solid 24.9 point game. Jordan got a nice night from Gostkowski who scored 21 all by himself and a Sunday that looked like it could be another reason for Jordan to worry turned into a drama free evening. There's definitely some holes on this team but if they play more like they did in week 5 and less like they did in weeks 1-4, Jordan could start making some headway towards being a serious playoff team.
Ray's Elevator Service vs. Westminster White Devils
Dave Cress and Kevin Petty are happily married men so there's no need for them to go on farmersonly.com to find a companion but these two former Wheat Ridge Farmers might think about putting together a dating website for depressed fantasy owners to console each other. Dave and Kevin are the ashamed owners of an 0-5 team in this league and while Dave got manhandled in week 5, Kevin got the rug pulled from underneath him three separate times on Monday night. Not even Shakespeare could write a more disturbing tragedy for Kevin's team than what played out. Russell Wilson looked tremendous outside of the pocket on Monday night as he extended play after play and wound up hitting Percy Harvin three times for a score. It's unfortunate that these touchdowns earned Kevin zero points because each time it was called back due to a penalty. Some real dumb ones, too. Kevin made a great comeback effort with Wilson, Lynch, and Harvin and almost pulled it off if those dickhead offensive linemen didn't act like secret agents for Fanning's fantasy team. Kevin's two point loss was heartbreaking, especially when you consider that he needs to start winning immediately and even though his Panthers D finally got back on track and his Seahawk trio scored 59.3 points on MNF, this was a staggering blow below the belt for Kevin and his hopes of turning his season around. Right now Kevin has to act like Taylor Swift and shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it off.
You can bet that Fanning was one of the few guys happy to see a referee on the screen all night and the Fan Man could've used a yellow flag to wipe the sweat that was pouring from his brow on Monday night. You might want to call Fanning a lucky bastard but he did put up 107 points this week so his team does deserve some credit for racking up a big lead. Brees was good, not great, once again, Wayne was consistent, and Gronk finally got some yards to go with his touchdown but the real story for Fanning is the play of his running backs. Jeff might be as comfortable with his backs as Larry Bird is with his back but Jeff's gotten the most out of his runners so far this season as he's the owner of the top scoring starting backfield in our league. Arian Foster finally looked healthy on Sunday and when he's healthy, he's going to score lots of points like he did this week with 29.2 of them. Justin Forsett is no workhorse but he's finding a way to make plays when his number is called and his 15.7 points were crucial for a victory. The White Devils have their share of injury and depth concerns but Fanning appears to be pressing the right buttons with his starting lineup right now. No matter if Fanning has the back of his backs, this team is back in black at 3-2 and hoping to go back, back, back, back to the title game if this team continues to go back to the future with vintage Jeff Fanning performances.
More crap to read:
I was pretty surprised that the Broncos got rid of Prater but the more I read about it, the less surprised I become. Prater made some memorable kicks and might be the best at his position but too many potential risks with the booze and too much money made him expendable. I would think that we all wish him well in Detroit. We will also be wishing that this McManus kid has the stones to make any critical kick that might be presented to him late in the season.
I remember I said "Brothers to the bone, right McManus?" about 100 times in college and nobody corrected me until Dan finally piped up one night. It's my fault for not getting that Tombstone line right after watching it every other night but if your friend is reciting a movie line or lyrics to a song incorrectly, please let him know immediately. First, make fun of him at length and then correct him. McManus is a character in Usual Suspects, which I also watched all the time, hence the boozin' confusion from me. That or I'm stupid.
I was nervous when I saw CSU kick off as 18 point favorites but it looks like it might be time to trust this team. They dispatched of the Golden Hurricane just like they should do and even though you can't get too psyched about beating Tulsa at home, they are at least taking care of business and not making every opponent a potential threat.
Coach MacIntyre lost his shit again on the refs on Saturday and I really am starting to like this guy. He's like Lou Pinella with a headset. CU almost pulled off a decent upset of the Beavers, too.
Stop with the fucking bacon on fucking everything.
Quite the ex-travaganza some of us former Farmers celebrated over the weekend. Always interesting to see a high school ex, especially the weird initial five minutes of awkward conversation.
Bill Burr might be the funniest dude with a microphone right now and I highly recommend youtubing him if you haven't already. Guy really doesn't care what people think and loves to call out all the bullshit from PC people and enjoys making fun of women, which is something nobody does anymore on TV.
The numbers you see in the Peppel's boxscore will not impress you much at all but this team got enough big plays at the right time and that along with playing a fantasy team with a sputtering ground attack allowed Ace and Gary to move to 3-2 on the season. Jay Culter is a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde QB this season as he's been able to do whatever he wants in the first half and then looks totally lost in the second half of almost every game so far this year. Even though he can be frustrating to watch, he has yet to score less than 20 points in a game and has been a very nice pick for the Pep's so far. Cutler's 25.6 points might be a tad disappointing based on his hot Sunday start but it's a total that the Pep's will accept without much hesitation. Khiry Robinson wasn't doing a whole lot with his carries but he did play the role of the hero when he notched a walkoff touchdown in overtime to lift his fantasy totals to 15.7 on the day. Jordy Nelson only caught one pass on Thursday but that pass was a 66 yarder that went for a touchdown and his 12.6 fantasy points will salvage what could've been a very quiet night in the rain for Jordy. The star of the day was Greg Olsen who broke out in a big way with two touchdowns and 19.2 fantasy points, which more or less clinched a win for the Gay Duo. It seems that one D a week will post a vintage Tiger Woods score and this week it was the Bengals that fell victim to a decent looking matchup with horrific results. While it didn't cost these bros the game, the -9 points was embarrassing for the Pep's and might cause some uneasiness in the locker room for what was considered a must start D going into Sunday night.
Chris Marvel looked like a world beater in the first two weeks of the season but if he continues to watch Shady get swallowed up behind that shaky offensive line, this team is going to struggle to get back to elite status. McCoy said he was tired of talking this week, which is a sentence I never thought was possible out of LeSean's mouth but he's been humbled a bit this season with a combined 10.5 fantasy points over his past three weeks. Chris might be rooting hard for the health of a player that's not even on his roster as he knows that Stafford does not have the same scoring potential if Megatron isn't 100% and Megatron is clearly nowhere near 100% right now, which means 13.6 point games could become more common for Stafford until Calvin Johnson gets right. Antonio Brown didn't take advantage of a very appealing matchup against the Jags this week even though 8.4 points isn't something to get too upset about. Chris will need to worry about the health of Jimmy Graham who seems to get beatup around this point each and every season and if Graham is out for any period of time or isn't fully healthy, Chris's tight end productivity could fall off a cliff. Marvel can't afford that based on his paltry running game and inconsistent quarterback play but it's not quite panic time for Chris just yet although he's walking a fine line here where one more injury could represent a major problem for this team.
Foles Gold vs. Demaryius Targaryen
This game looked like a real snoozer on paper and as we headed into the afternoon games on Sunday, this game had the potential of being the worst of 2014. Luckily for our viewers at home, these teams decided to get busy with the scoring in the afternoon and night. The loser of this game would move to 1-4 on the season and thanks to some truly uninspired performances, the losers were Corey and Dan. This is now four losses in a row for C&D Fantasy Factory as this season is starting to slip away like a pass through C.J. Spiller's hands. Spiller has followed up his brutal 2013 season with a pretty bad 2014 year as he's not making big plays and generally looks lost when running the ball. His 3.3 points was his fourth single digit game in a row and might be enough for C&D to look elsewhere for RB2 points. It's a shame that Megatron has been banged up and not just because we don't get to watch the best receiver do his thing every week. For Calvin Johnson owners, this lingering ankle injury is the worst because the Lions are going to play him merely as a decoy and fantasy owners need some huevos to bench Megatron while he's in the Lions starting lineup. Cal's 0.7 points was another dud game and more reason for Megatron owners to plead the Lions to just sit his ass until that ankle is fully healed. Steve Smith Jr's dad, Heath Miller, Texans D, and Gould all scored five points or less to open the door wide open for Jordan to get a win, which he did with ease. I'm not sure if Corey or Dan contracted the virus first but this team got a wicked case of fantasy ebola in week two and it looks like they might dwindle away and die if they don't get an injection of points very soon.
Jordan looked intent on taking it easy on his twin brother but instead he decided that fantasy is thicker than blood and turned this game into a bloodbath for Corey. It certainly didn't start out great for Jordan who saw Doug Martin continue his 2014 trend of not doing anything exciting while Cruz and Cameron Jordan scored 2.2 and 3.3 points respectively. Granted, Jordan had a lot of guys going in the afternoon and night but a glance at the projections along with some of these player's prior performances looked like a gloomy forecast for Jordan. Alas, his team stepped up when needed, which definitely hasn't been the case all year. Demaryius Thomas needed a game like this and he looked much less timid and much more tenacious this Sunday by making nice grabs and showcasing his awesome YAC potential. Thomas's 34.6 points was a game changer and is hopefully a sign of things to come for Jordan. I really wouldn't have blamed Jordan at all if he decided to bench Brady but he proved faithful to one of the best QB's of all time and Brady repaid that faith with a solid 24.9 point game. Jordan got a nice night from Gostkowski who scored 21 all by himself and a Sunday that looked like it could be another reason for Jordan to worry turned into a drama free evening. There's definitely some holes on this team but if they play more like they did in week 5 and less like they did in weeks 1-4, Jordan could start making some headway towards being a serious playoff team.
Ray's Elevator Service vs. Westminster White Devils
Dave Cress and Kevin Petty are happily married men so there's no need for them to go on farmersonly.com to find a companion but these two former Wheat Ridge Farmers might think about putting together a dating website for depressed fantasy owners to console each other. Dave and Kevin are the ashamed owners of an 0-5 team in this league and while Dave got manhandled in week 5, Kevin got the rug pulled from underneath him three separate times on Monday night. Not even Shakespeare could write a more disturbing tragedy for Kevin's team than what played out. Russell Wilson looked tremendous outside of the pocket on Monday night as he extended play after play and wound up hitting Percy Harvin three times for a score. It's unfortunate that these touchdowns earned Kevin zero points because each time it was called back due to a penalty. Some real dumb ones, too. Kevin made a great comeback effort with Wilson, Lynch, and Harvin and almost pulled it off if those dickhead offensive linemen didn't act like secret agents for Fanning's fantasy team. Kevin's two point loss was heartbreaking, especially when you consider that he needs to start winning immediately and even though his Panthers D finally got back on track and his Seahawk trio scored 59.3 points on MNF, this was a staggering blow below the belt for Kevin and his hopes of turning his season around. Right now Kevin has to act like Taylor Swift and shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it off.
You can bet that Fanning was one of the few guys happy to see a referee on the screen all night and the Fan Man could've used a yellow flag to wipe the sweat that was pouring from his brow on Monday night. You might want to call Fanning a lucky bastard but he did put up 107 points this week so his team does deserve some credit for racking up a big lead. Brees was good, not great, once again, Wayne was consistent, and Gronk finally got some yards to go with his touchdown but the real story for Fanning is the play of his running backs. Jeff might be as comfortable with his backs as Larry Bird is with his back but Jeff's gotten the most out of his runners so far this season as he's the owner of the top scoring starting backfield in our league. Arian Foster finally looked healthy on Sunday and when he's healthy, he's going to score lots of points like he did this week with 29.2 of them. Justin Forsett is no workhorse but he's finding a way to make plays when his number is called and his 15.7 points were crucial for a victory. The White Devils have their share of injury and depth concerns but Fanning appears to be pressing the right buttons with his starting lineup right now. No matter if Fanning has the back of his backs, this team is back in black at 3-2 and hoping to go back, back, back, back to the title game if this team continues to go back to the future with vintage Jeff Fanning performances.
More crap to read:
I was pretty surprised that the Broncos got rid of Prater but the more I read about it, the less surprised I become. Prater made some memorable kicks and might be the best at his position but too many potential risks with the booze and too much money made him expendable. I would think that we all wish him well in Detroit. We will also be wishing that this McManus kid has the stones to make any critical kick that might be presented to him late in the season.
I remember I said "Brothers to the bone, right McManus?" about 100 times in college and nobody corrected me until Dan finally piped up one night. It's my fault for not getting that Tombstone line right after watching it every other night but if your friend is reciting a movie line or lyrics to a song incorrectly, please let him know immediately. First, make fun of him at length and then correct him. McManus is a character in Usual Suspects, which I also watched all the time, hence the boozin' confusion from me. That or I'm stupid.
I was nervous when I saw CSU kick off as 18 point favorites but it looks like it might be time to trust this team. They dispatched of the Golden Hurricane just like they should do and even though you can't get too psyched about beating Tulsa at home, they are at least taking care of business and not making every opponent a potential threat.
Coach MacIntyre lost his shit again on the refs on Saturday and I really am starting to like this guy. He's like Lou Pinella with a headset. CU almost pulled off a decent upset of the Beavers, too.
Stop with the fucking bacon on fucking everything.
Quite the ex-travaganza some of us former Farmers celebrated over the weekend. Always interesting to see a high school ex, especially the weird initial five minutes of awkward conversation.
Bill Burr might be the funniest dude with a microphone right now and I highly recommend youtubing him if you haven't already. Guy really doesn't care what people think and loves to call out all the bullshit from PC people and enjoys making fun of women, which is something nobody does anymore on TV.
That'll do for week five. We'll meet back here next week and see if Dave and Kevin haven't jumped into a bathtub with a toaster and if Zach is still walking around like George Jefferson. Somebody beat that man.