It’s hard to feel sorry for dorks that get paid to talk and write about fantasy football but I do not envy them after weeks like we saw in round 1 of the playoffs. They are asked to make a prediction on pretty much every player every single week and when we see so many reliable studs with so many piss poor performances like we did in round 1, it might make you feel just a twinge of sympathy for these guys. They stick their necks out to a fantasy nation only to have these necks to be put into a guillotine by angry fantasy owners who just saw their season and $150 entry fee get flushed away thanks to letdowns from major players and the advice of people on tv and on the internet. The disappointment started early Thursday with a plethora of awful individual scores and continued all the way through the week with some terrible games that sent their owners packing who were possibly looking at their phones and telling some fantasy experts to Cobain themselves.
Absolutely none of us should be surprised when it goes off the rails in the fantasy playoffs but we get sucked in every year and the fantasy disappointment on top of the Broncos game probably had many of us wondering why something we care about so much could hurt us like that. That’s playoff football in real life and our league where bad weather, bad play, and bad luck can end a season. We’ll try to break it down with more precision than the general quarterback play this week that looked like this across most of the league.
Absolutely none of us should be surprised when it goes off the rails in the fantasy playoffs but we get sucked in every year and the fantasy disappointment on top of the Broncos game probably had many of us wondering why something we care about so much could hurt us like that. That’s playoff football in real life and our league where bad weather, bad play, and bad luck can end a season. We’ll try to break it down with more precision than the general quarterback play this week that looked like this across most of the league.
#1 You done messed With A-Aron vs. #8 Notorious Z.A.C.
It’s dumb to distill a fantasy game down to four overall players but the outcome of this game was always going to mirror the outcome of the Packers-Seahawks contest on Sunday afternoon. It was pretty tight and terrible leading up to the 2:00 games and it definitely setup a tag team match of Rodgers and Adams vs. Rawls and the Seattle D. It took 1 and ½ minutes for the pivotal play to occur when Rodgers hit Adams for a 66-yard TD bomb to give Chris an early advatage. This touchdown killed Coran in a couple ways as it was a 20-point play for Chris and a negative 4-point play for Coran. Kind of like farting in the middle of a business meeting and then having a little poop squirt out at the end. Bad road game Ben Roethlisberger struck again with an unfathomable 2.6 points and with neither fantasy team scoring many points at all, the 43.6 to 4.4 difference between Chris’s Packers and Coran’s Seahawks was the difference in this one. Much love to Corey and Loran for trying to keep it light and funny with the team names but as I can attest, putting effort into humor and participation in fantasy football very rarely equates to success in this thankless game. Based on the history of our league and the ESPN projections, Corey and Loran might’ve had some confidence in being the next 8 seed winner but ended up falling on their faces in embarrassment come Sunday.
It’s dumb to distill a fantasy game down to four overall players but the outcome of this game was always going to mirror the outcome of the Packers-Seahawks contest on Sunday afternoon. It was pretty tight and terrible leading up to the 2:00 games and it definitely setup a tag team match of Rodgers and Adams vs. Rawls and the Seattle D. It took 1 and ½ minutes for the pivotal play to occur when Rodgers hit Adams for a 66-yard TD bomb to give Chris an early advatage. This touchdown killed Coran in a couple ways as it was a 20-point play for Chris and a negative 4-point play for Coran. Kind of like farting in the middle of a business meeting and then having a little poop squirt out at the end. Bad road game Ben Roethlisberger struck again with an unfathomable 2.6 points and with neither fantasy team scoring many points at all, the 43.6 to 4.4 difference between Chris’s Packers and Coran’s Seahawks was the difference in this one. Much love to Corey and Loran for trying to keep it light and funny with the team names but as I can attest, putting effort into humor and participation in fantasy football very rarely equates to success in this thankless game. Based on the history of our league and the ESPN projections, Corey and Loran might’ve had some confidence in being the next 8 seed winner but ended up falling on their faces in embarrassment come Sunday.
#3 I’m Your Huckleberry vs. #6 Dirk Diggler
Fantasy football can jerk you around in all directions like you’re Adam Arellano’s cock alone in a hotel room. I’m pretty sure Castillo was counting himself as eliminated after Derek Carr’s worst game of his career with a 4.9 fantasy game that sent many other fantasy owners packing. But then a figure emerged from the snow in Buffalo who came in and saved a fantasy season. Le’Veon Bell’s 47.8-point game was a performance that will go down as one of the best ever and obviously was the reason Castillo survived an awful game from his QB. J.P. made a small run at the end of the afternoon games when Matt Ryan tried to will his owner/friend/soulmate to another playoff victory but when he was pulled from the game early in the 4th and the Packers D continued to intercept passes for Castillo, it was the end of the season for diZerega. The Melvin Gordon injury could’ve been the difference in this one as it’s possible J.P. was licking his chops on Sunday morning only to go through a gauntlet of emotions as Gordon went down and his team continued to fight with surprising touchdowns from Jackson and Randolph to keep the hope alive. Castillo will advance and pray he doesn’t need 47.8 points from Bell to get to the finals.
#2 Drunk Hiccups vs. #7 Dick Tickling Cock Jockeys
I thought Jeff Fischer was untouchable after he inked his two-year extension to remain head coach of the Rams earlier this week. He’s been a pretty bad coach for a very long time but somehow was able to not only remain employed but ensure job security with the LA Rams. But there are certain things that a man cannot come back from as a head coach and one of those things is making the Atlanta Falcons defense look like the 2015 Denver Broncos. The Falcons defense is really bad by pretty much every metric but the Rams are so inept at every phase that Dave could not resist taking a chance on a very bad defense against an even worse offense. The result was a trip to the second round as the Rams turned it over all day and two Falcons defensive scores equaled 29 fantasy points for the smartest coaching move of the week. We saw individual positions save entire fantasy teams and this was another case as Dave easily could’ve been eliminated based on the horrible play of Brees, Bryant, and Cooks. This trio was projected to bring in 45.6 and combined to score 9.5 on the day.
Sometimes a bad individual season sneaks up on you at the worst possible time. Phil Rivers was carrying the Chargers early in the year and making great throws behind a crumbling offensive line, actually inspiring MVP and Hall of Fame talk by week 5. But as the Chargers have faded from relevancy, so has Rivers, who has been a turnover factory and his five turnovers against a favorable matchup cost Dan big time. Otherwise, the Hiccup team performed admirably but when Rivers gave zero shits about ball security, it really helped secure the elimination of this team. I can’t imagine cheering for Rivers for any reason and now that Phillip the Phucktard has helped eliminate Mr. Burke, I can only assume Dan will never rely on him ever again and have the following words in his head whenever he sees Phillip’s stupid face on TV.
SUCK
Fantasy football can jerk you around in all directions like you’re Adam Arellano’s cock alone in a hotel room. I’m pretty sure Castillo was counting himself as eliminated after Derek Carr’s worst game of his career with a 4.9 fantasy game that sent many other fantasy owners packing. But then a figure emerged from the snow in Buffalo who came in and saved a fantasy season. Le’Veon Bell’s 47.8-point game was a performance that will go down as one of the best ever and obviously was the reason Castillo survived an awful game from his QB. J.P. made a small run at the end of the afternoon games when Matt Ryan tried to will his owner/friend/soulmate to another playoff victory but when he was pulled from the game early in the 4th and the Packers D continued to intercept passes for Castillo, it was the end of the season for diZerega. The Melvin Gordon injury could’ve been the difference in this one as it’s possible J.P. was licking his chops on Sunday morning only to go through a gauntlet of emotions as Gordon went down and his team continued to fight with surprising touchdowns from Jackson and Randolph to keep the hope alive. Castillo will advance and pray he doesn’t need 47.8 points from Bell to get to the finals.
#2 Drunk Hiccups vs. #7 Dick Tickling Cock Jockeys
I thought Jeff Fischer was untouchable after he inked his two-year extension to remain head coach of the Rams earlier this week. He’s been a pretty bad coach for a very long time but somehow was able to not only remain employed but ensure job security with the LA Rams. But there are certain things that a man cannot come back from as a head coach and one of those things is making the Atlanta Falcons defense look like the 2015 Denver Broncos. The Falcons defense is really bad by pretty much every metric but the Rams are so inept at every phase that Dave could not resist taking a chance on a very bad defense against an even worse offense. The result was a trip to the second round as the Rams turned it over all day and two Falcons defensive scores equaled 29 fantasy points for the smartest coaching move of the week. We saw individual positions save entire fantasy teams and this was another case as Dave easily could’ve been eliminated based on the horrible play of Brees, Bryant, and Cooks. This trio was projected to bring in 45.6 and combined to score 9.5 on the day.
Sometimes a bad individual season sneaks up on you at the worst possible time. Phil Rivers was carrying the Chargers early in the year and making great throws behind a crumbling offensive line, actually inspiring MVP and Hall of Fame talk by week 5. But as the Chargers have faded from relevancy, so has Rivers, who has been a turnover factory and his five turnovers against a favorable matchup cost Dan big time. Otherwise, the Hiccup team performed admirably but when Rivers gave zero shits about ball security, it really helped secure the elimination of this team. I can’t imagine cheering for Rivers for any reason and now that Phillip the Phucktard has helped eliminate Mr. Burke, I can only assume Dan will never rely on him ever again and have the following words in his head whenever he sees Phillip’s stupid face on TV.
SUCK
MY
DICK
#4 Nerf Turbos vs. #5 Team Tecmo
Seriously fuck the NFC South and every player and team within that division. Who in the hell knows what any of these guys are going to do week to week. The Bucs, Saints, Falcons, and Panthers are quite possibly the four most inconsistent teams in the NFL and good luck to anyone trying to predict what the hell they are going to do at any point. I was fairly confident the Bucs-Saints game would feature a decent amount of points but as I sat on my couch late in the 4th quarter of a 16-11 game, I realized that I had been NFC Southed. Apparently the Buccaneers and Saints play smashmouth football now with dominating defenses, which has been the trend for both teams lately and makes no sense to me. Winston was unwilling to try a pass longer than seven yards, crippling the production of Mike Evans and killing any chances of me advancing. Tim Hightower sucked, which wasn’t shocking and when Tyreek’s TNF touchdown represented the only touchdown for anyone else in my starting lineup, it meant an early exit for what I thought was a team destined to make some money this year. I should know by now to never get excited about anything good happening in fantasy football or gambling but I get drawn in every fucking season and then get blasted in the back of the skull like Joe Pesci when he thinks he’s going to be a made man in Goodfellas.
Meyer had plenty to complain about on Thursday and Sunday as well as his team was failing to get anything going on offense. It’s always tricky to rely on the projected scores that ESPN provides as it sure looked like the commish had this game in the bag for most of the matchup until his team decided to generate nothing on offense. As Nerf’s projected score moved methodically from 110 to 67, Meyer saw a window but crap games from Crowder, Bryant, and Jimmy Graham was going to put the Granger’s chances in Brady’s hands on Monday night. Fortunately, Brady continues to be about as certain of a thing in football as you can get as he diced up the Ravens D and with the help of Blount catapulted Meyer into round 2 after a pretty gross overall matchup this week.
Just because I’m fantasy dead doesn’t mean I’ll leave the remaining Dirty Four in the dark. I’ll attempt to keep up with the previews and recaps. The commish is fantasy dead. Long live the commish. Jerome Thugs-n-Harmony will see you at the crossroads. And I’m gonna miss everybody…and I’m gonna miss everybody.
Seriously fuck the NFC South and every player and team within that division. Who in the hell knows what any of these guys are going to do week to week. The Bucs, Saints, Falcons, and Panthers are quite possibly the four most inconsistent teams in the NFL and good luck to anyone trying to predict what the hell they are going to do at any point. I was fairly confident the Bucs-Saints game would feature a decent amount of points but as I sat on my couch late in the 4th quarter of a 16-11 game, I realized that I had been NFC Southed. Apparently the Buccaneers and Saints play smashmouth football now with dominating defenses, which has been the trend for both teams lately and makes no sense to me. Winston was unwilling to try a pass longer than seven yards, crippling the production of Mike Evans and killing any chances of me advancing. Tim Hightower sucked, which wasn’t shocking and when Tyreek’s TNF touchdown represented the only touchdown for anyone else in my starting lineup, it meant an early exit for what I thought was a team destined to make some money this year. I should know by now to never get excited about anything good happening in fantasy football or gambling but I get drawn in every fucking season and then get blasted in the back of the skull like Joe Pesci when he thinks he’s going to be a made man in Goodfellas.
Meyer had plenty to complain about on Thursday and Sunday as well as his team was failing to get anything going on offense. It’s always tricky to rely on the projected scores that ESPN provides as it sure looked like the commish had this game in the bag for most of the matchup until his team decided to generate nothing on offense. As Nerf’s projected score moved methodically from 110 to 67, Meyer saw a window but crap games from Crowder, Bryant, and Jimmy Graham was going to put the Granger’s chances in Brady’s hands on Monday night. Fortunately, Brady continues to be about as certain of a thing in football as you can get as he diced up the Ravens D and with the help of Blount catapulted Meyer into round 2 after a pretty gross overall matchup this week.
Just because I’m fantasy dead doesn’t mean I’ll leave the remaining Dirty Four in the dark. I’ll attempt to keep up with the previews and recaps. The commish is fantasy dead. Long live the commish. Jerome Thugs-n-Harmony will see you at the crossroads. And I’m gonna miss everybody…and I’m gonna miss everybody.