There’s practically a method to quantify every single thing in the world of sports today but there’s still nothing to calculate how much crazy fun action took place in one week of fantasy football. There was lots of money, pride, and playoff spots on the line this weekend and the Dirty Dozen turned week 13 into a week for the ages. As usual, we had a total of six matchups this week and the total margin of victory for these matchups was 32.7 points combined, or an average of 5.45 per game. Shanked kicks were plentiful and cost two owners a playoff berth, quarterbacks were carrying teams to glory, and owners were consuming alcohol and spewing expletives at a breakneck pace. Every time you turned your head to a game, there was constant action that dictated playoff spots and regular season trophies in this league and if I had to quantify the fun level of week 13, I would put it somewhere between getting road head in the batmobile and playing basketball on the moon with the cast of Space Jam. Of course everyone’s interpretation of fun is subjective and there were certainly a good number of owners in here that would’ve preferred getting waterboarded with Andy Ried’s crotch sweat over getting their heart shattered this week in our league. I’ll do my best to recount all the F-U-N fun, fun, fun in this week’s breakdown.
We’ll build the excitement slowly as the Team QB, RB, and WR trophies offered no real drama for the final week of the season. We dedicate a separate webpage and weekly email to this so we should be aware of the final anticlimactic results for this already. Let’s move onto the chaos that unfolded up and down our standings and we’ll go through this in the same order of which the games were played on the NFL schedule to best recount the carousel of emotions all of our owners felt this weekend.
Thursday Night
Chris Marvel just needed a win to get in and Thursday night gave Chris the first opportunity to cozy up inside the playoff bubble. Unfortunately for Chris, the Packers continued to struggle to move the ball and if it wasn’t for a late Rodgers TD run and one of the most Detroit Lions way to end a football game, it would’ve been much worse for Chris’s already bad start. James Jones decided to suck at football again and Mason Crosby’s shank would ultimately come back to haunt Chris. On the bright side, A-Aron’s hail mary prayer was answered, which gave Chris an unexpected eight additional points to fall asleep with after a frustrating night. Thanks to the soft hands of Richard Rodgers, Jordan was also able to get a lot of points with 0:00 on the clock, which just increased his already pretty good playoff chances just a bit higher.
The commish got an incredibly lucky bounce when Randall Cobb fell on a fumble to get 6 cheap points but that was the only luck he experienced all night as his keeper, Eddie Lacy, proved once again to be completely and utterly unreliable with his one freaking yard on the day. Whether it’s a curfew thing, or a cupcake addiction, or maybe he finger banged Mike McCarthy’s daughter, I don’t know, but I do know Lacy’s role changes every three minutes and he has been possibly the worst keeper we’ve ever seen in this league. Zach got a few points from Stafford while Dan and Corey got a few from Megatron, which probably caused only a glance or two at their phones as they were here to be playoff spoilers and nothing more.
Sunday Morning
Michael Peppel receives the news that Tyler Eifert is declared out for Sunday’s game. Thinking that nobody really needs a tight end, Pep places a bid on Jacob Tamme for a buck. Chris Marvel decides he’d rather not watch Jason Whitten catch passes from Matt Cassel on Monday, and also places a bid on Tamme for a dollar. Marvel wins the bid thanks to being worse in the standings, meaning the Pep’s now have an empty TE spot as they try to get a win and earn as many points as possible. Not optimal. This is the first of many things that do not go the Pep’s way today. Tamme only scores 2.6 points on the day, which shouldn’t make the Pep’s upset but it will cost them a regular season title, just not in the way anyone expected, which we’ll talk about later.
Meanwhile, Miller’s All-Stars are doing as much as they can to sneak into the playoffs. Dalton is playing admirably, Buck Allen is catching passes like he’s Dave Megget, and Allen Robinson is pretty much wrapping up his keeper status for Petty in 2016. If Kevin can win, he’ll need a lot of help but he’s going to make it interesting. On the other end, Corey and Dan are finally enjoying a great performance from their QB as Mariota breaks off an 87 yard run to help him earn 41.8 points on the day. David Johnson looks great, and this fantasy team looks ready to pull the plug on Kevin’s season.
Mike Castillo innocently opens a bottle of red wine and takes his first of 829 sips on the day.
Jeff Fanning isn’t overly concerned about his playoff spot, at least I don’t think he is, and every time Blake Bortles connects on a touchdown pass, which is frequently, the blood pressure decreases for the Fan Man. A.J. Green is making plays and the Bengals D are doing exactly what they should be doing against the Browns. Fanning’s opponent, the shorter Jeff of our league, is watching his running backs combine for over 30 points, a sight Meyer hasn’t seen since Jamaal Charles was healthy. Granger can’t be pleased about his kicker and D but he also has almost nothing on the line besides determining exactly where he’ll land in the playoffs. Meyer misses a chance to hang out with the boys in order to work on a project for his employer and Meyer is probably more focused on organizing his power point slides than he is worrying about Jarvis Landry’s bad day at the office.
J.P. is trying to avoid losing a tiebreaker and has to like watching Brandon Marshall and Doug Baldwin dominate DB’s which almost puts a stamp on J.P.’s invite to the big dance, where he’ll have a chance to repeat as champion. Marshall is a douche of the highest order but it’s hard to not respect what he’s doing for the Jets and fantasy owners this year. Baldwin is suddenly the black Steve Largent in Seattle and if he can maintain this report with Russell Wilson, he’s got the look of a difference maker if J.P. gets in.
Dave, on the other hand, is cursing at Marshall and Baldwin like they just declared it a cash bar at the company Christmas party. McCoy and Watkins are doing their part to get Dave in the playoffs but it’s not looking great for his chances to defeat J.P. and get it.
Chris is a jolly lad as he benched the Rams and their -4 this morning and instead went shopping for a new D/ST. That smile is quickly erased from Chris’s face as he watches his new D, the Houston Texans, make Tyrod Taylor look like Steamin’ Wilie Beamen. It’s -2 for the Texans D and more negative thoughts racing through Marvel’s head.
The morning games are winding down now and shit is starting to get crazy. Kickers are hooking and slicing like Judge Smails on the first tee at Bushwood, making fans and fantasy owners irate. Zach is enjoying more touchdowns and shenanigans from Odell Beckham and the sight of Thomas Rawls becoming a reliable running back for this team warms his heart like a shot of peppermint schnapps. Petty is forced into extracurricular activities with the kids and probably didn’t see the end of the Bears-49ers game, which probably helped avoid daddy making a scene in front of his children. If he did see Robbie’s attempt, he would’ve witnessed an absolute duck hook from Gould, costing him precious points and ultimately costing Petty a playoff berth. When Petty was finally reached for comment about Gould’s kick, he had this response:
We’ll build the excitement slowly as the Team QB, RB, and WR trophies offered no real drama for the final week of the season. We dedicate a separate webpage and weekly email to this so we should be aware of the final anticlimactic results for this already. Let’s move onto the chaos that unfolded up and down our standings and we’ll go through this in the same order of which the games were played on the NFL schedule to best recount the carousel of emotions all of our owners felt this weekend.
Thursday Night
Chris Marvel just needed a win to get in and Thursday night gave Chris the first opportunity to cozy up inside the playoff bubble. Unfortunately for Chris, the Packers continued to struggle to move the ball and if it wasn’t for a late Rodgers TD run and one of the most Detroit Lions way to end a football game, it would’ve been much worse for Chris’s already bad start. James Jones decided to suck at football again and Mason Crosby’s shank would ultimately come back to haunt Chris. On the bright side, A-Aron’s hail mary prayer was answered, which gave Chris an unexpected eight additional points to fall asleep with after a frustrating night. Thanks to the soft hands of Richard Rodgers, Jordan was also able to get a lot of points with 0:00 on the clock, which just increased his already pretty good playoff chances just a bit higher.
The commish got an incredibly lucky bounce when Randall Cobb fell on a fumble to get 6 cheap points but that was the only luck he experienced all night as his keeper, Eddie Lacy, proved once again to be completely and utterly unreliable with his one freaking yard on the day. Whether it’s a curfew thing, or a cupcake addiction, or maybe he finger banged Mike McCarthy’s daughter, I don’t know, but I do know Lacy’s role changes every three minutes and he has been possibly the worst keeper we’ve ever seen in this league. Zach got a few points from Stafford while Dan and Corey got a few from Megatron, which probably caused only a glance or two at their phones as they were here to be playoff spoilers and nothing more.
Sunday Morning
Michael Peppel receives the news that Tyler Eifert is declared out for Sunday’s game. Thinking that nobody really needs a tight end, Pep places a bid on Jacob Tamme for a buck. Chris Marvel decides he’d rather not watch Jason Whitten catch passes from Matt Cassel on Monday, and also places a bid on Tamme for a dollar. Marvel wins the bid thanks to being worse in the standings, meaning the Pep’s now have an empty TE spot as they try to get a win and earn as many points as possible. Not optimal. This is the first of many things that do not go the Pep’s way today. Tamme only scores 2.6 points on the day, which shouldn’t make the Pep’s upset but it will cost them a regular season title, just not in the way anyone expected, which we’ll talk about later.
Meanwhile, Miller’s All-Stars are doing as much as they can to sneak into the playoffs. Dalton is playing admirably, Buck Allen is catching passes like he’s Dave Megget, and Allen Robinson is pretty much wrapping up his keeper status for Petty in 2016. If Kevin can win, he’ll need a lot of help but he’s going to make it interesting. On the other end, Corey and Dan are finally enjoying a great performance from their QB as Mariota breaks off an 87 yard run to help him earn 41.8 points on the day. David Johnson looks great, and this fantasy team looks ready to pull the plug on Kevin’s season.
Mike Castillo innocently opens a bottle of red wine and takes his first of 829 sips on the day.
Jeff Fanning isn’t overly concerned about his playoff spot, at least I don’t think he is, and every time Blake Bortles connects on a touchdown pass, which is frequently, the blood pressure decreases for the Fan Man. A.J. Green is making plays and the Bengals D are doing exactly what they should be doing against the Browns. Fanning’s opponent, the shorter Jeff of our league, is watching his running backs combine for over 30 points, a sight Meyer hasn’t seen since Jamaal Charles was healthy. Granger can’t be pleased about his kicker and D but he also has almost nothing on the line besides determining exactly where he’ll land in the playoffs. Meyer misses a chance to hang out with the boys in order to work on a project for his employer and Meyer is probably more focused on organizing his power point slides than he is worrying about Jarvis Landry’s bad day at the office.
J.P. is trying to avoid losing a tiebreaker and has to like watching Brandon Marshall and Doug Baldwin dominate DB’s which almost puts a stamp on J.P.’s invite to the big dance, where he’ll have a chance to repeat as champion. Marshall is a douche of the highest order but it’s hard to not respect what he’s doing for the Jets and fantasy owners this year. Baldwin is suddenly the black Steve Largent in Seattle and if he can maintain this report with Russell Wilson, he’s got the look of a difference maker if J.P. gets in.
Dave, on the other hand, is cursing at Marshall and Baldwin like they just declared it a cash bar at the company Christmas party. McCoy and Watkins are doing their part to get Dave in the playoffs but it’s not looking great for his chances to defeat J.P. and get it.
Chris is a jolly lad as he benched the Rams and their -4 this morning and instead went shopping for a new D/ST. That smile is quickly erased from Chris’s face as he watches his new D, the Houston Texans, make Tyrod Taylor look like Steamin’ Wilie Beamen. It’s -2 for the Texans D and more negative thoughts racing through Marvel’s head.
The morning games are winding down now and shit is starting to get crazy. Kickers are hooking and slicing like Judge Smails on the first tee at Bushwood, making fans and fantasy owners irate. Zach is enjoying more touchdowns and shenanigans from Odell Beckham and the sight of Thomas Rawls becoming a reliable running back for this team warms his heart like a shot of peppermint schnapps. Petty is forced into extracurricular activities with the kids and probably didn’t see the end of the Bears-49ers game, which probably helped avoid daddy making a scene in front of his children. If he did see Robbie’s attempt, he would’ve witnessed an absolute duck hook from Gould, costing him precious points and ultimately costing Petty a playoff berth. When Petty was finally reached for comment about Gould’s kick, he had this response:
Sunday Afternoon
Jerome is licking the wounds from another piss poor QB performance. Jerome has three QB’s, which means he really has no QB’s because they all have major holes in their game and this is why Jerome receives a combined 23.5 points on the day from Culter, Rivers, and Tannehill. For context, 15 quarterbacks were able to individually outscore the trio of trash that was Jerome’s QB options. I basically have a bunch of Koy Detmer’s to choose from at this point. The door is wide open for Jerome to make a move for a playoff spot and he’s simply blowing it. He’s blowing it just like he did with Lindsey Schnieder in 7th grade when he danced with Lindsey just like Belichick did whatever he’s doing with this chick ref on Sunday. Referee koodies.
Jerome is licking the wounds from another piss poor QB performance. Jerome has three QB’s, which means he really has no QB’s because they all have major holes in their game and this is why Jerome receives a combined 23.5 points on the day from Culter, Rivers, and Tannehill. For context, 15 quarterbacks were able to individually outscore the trio of trash that was Jerome’s QB options. I basically have a bunch of Koy Detmer’s to choose from at this point. The door is wide open for Jerome to make a move for a playoff spot and he’s simply blowing it. He’s blowing it just like he did with Lindsey Schnieder in 7th grade when he danced with Lindsey just like Belichick did whatever he’s doing with this chick ref on Sunday. Referee koodies.
This will likely bury Jerome’s chances and hand the Pep’s a regular season title, although, the Pep’s aren’t exactly pulling away.
Dave decides to go with Osweiler instead of Drew Brees, which is exactly the kind of ballsy call that separates the men from the boys. The problem is that Dave Cress as a fantasy franchise has yet to hit puberty and his voice cracks repeatedly every time Brees tosses a touchdown while Oswieler plays the role of game manager. J.P. approves of this arrested development as he turns his sights towards Monday night football where he will hopefully finally be able to sodimize Dave’s prepubescent team like Jared Fogle.
Zach predicts a pick six and on the very next play the Broncos D oblige, which further distances them from the rest of the 2015 fantasy D/ST units. Jordan is unconcerned with Zach’s points as his boy, Cam Newton has multiple wide open receivers to throw to and his 46.1 point day ultimately gets Jordan a win. It’s not all jingle bells and fa-la-la for Jordan though, as he’ll need his running backs wake the fuck up soon or else Newton will be carrying the Panthers and the Targaryen’s on his broad shoulders all the way through December.
Castillo refills his wine glass for the 5th time on the day. As he opens his mouth to insert a slice of Papa John’s pizza into it, watery sauce and Sicilian meats rain down onto his white hoodie. Castillo is now very buzzed and his hoodie isn’t hiding that fact. This is what the Catalina Wine Mixer is all about.
Brady and Chandler hook up and Meyer is trying to walk the fine line of praying for a Patriots loss while hoping Brady and Chandler score lots of points. Fanning is also cheering for the Patriots to lose but is probably hoping that Tom Brady’s hand detaches from his wrist on the next throw. The Pep’s are also hoping that the Patriots lose but are cursing at the fact that it’s mostly because the Eagles D and special teams unit are playing out of their minds. Of fucking course when the Pep’s bench the Eagles, they decide to rack up 24 fantasy points, which is 35 more than the Pep's have gotten from Philly in the past two weeks combined. The commish is trying not to take his playoff chances seriously but he’s also seeing more and more pieces fall into place.
Sunday Night
Martavis Bryant scores one of the many Steelers touchdowns on the night, which clinches a victory for Granger. Fanning will not be able to climb in the playoff seed pecking order but he’s got enough points to not worry about losing a tiebreaker for a berth.
Castillo declines multiple requests for a ride home and is now filled with 47% wine, 8% pizza, and 45% hubris. Castillo is hammering wine from a bottle and box and now that he’s clinched the Points Title, I don’t think the good times will come to a halt anytime soon. Michael Peppel checks his ipad for the 137th time on the day and probably fantasizes about taking a bottle to Castillo’s cranium as the point lead is now gone forever and the regular season title is fading away like Castillo’s sobriety. The Peppel-DeFelice-Ch. Marvel-Castillo four square game was going to determine a lot of money and order in our league and all four of them are keeping each other in the running with their uninspired play.
The Pep’s vs. Castillo regular season title was on the line on Sunday night as was Chris’s playoff spot and it was going to be determined by a tag team match of DeAngelo Williams and T.Y. Hilton for Yo against Antonio Brown and Donte Moncrief for Chris. Castillo was likely passed out on his couch at this point with cabernet sauvignon dripping down his cheek but if he wasn’t blacked out by 8:30, he saw DeAngelo get the rock late in the 4th to help take back the lead, despite all of Antonio Brown’s best efforts and funny touchdown celebrations. Whether Castillo was conscience or not when he clinched, he was able to make an impressive three week run to overtake the Pep’s and win about $500 on the final Sunday of the regular season. I wonder how many boxes of Franzia he could buy with that.
Monday Night
J.P. was essentially in the playoffs thanks to the loss of Chris and Jerome’s lack of points so he was able to laugh at the MNF game like the rest of America. Dave had to be livid at watching Matt Cassel ignore the Cowboys’ best player all night while Dave also allocated equal anger towards his Brock-Brees QB decision. Dez Bryant made a great catch late to make it close and DeSean Jackson completed the worst punt return in the history of the NFL by fumbling the ball and keeping Dave in the game late in the 4th quarter. DeSean reconciled for his sin soon after with a deep TD grab to pretty much eliminate Dave as his improbable playoff run comes up just short.
I mentioned that the Pep’s decision to make a lone one dollar bid on Tamme would cost them the regular season title, but it would do that in the most roundabout way possible. If the Pep’s put one more buck on Tamme, Marvel is forced to ride with Jason Whitten on Monday night. Whitten then gets his 4.5 points, which is 1.9 more than Tamme gets, which would’ve allowed Chris to beat Castillo. This gives the Pep’s the regular season title while also earning Chris a playoff spot. I don’t know if Chris is a fan of The Wire but I can’t stop comparing his time in this league to the theme of that show. Every season, Chris makes real progress to defeat the seedy enemies that surround him by doing what he believes is the right thing to do. Every season Chris comes so close to emerging as the hero and every year there’s one miniscule mixup that ruins his chances and allows the bad guys to walk away smiling. Another brutal season ender for Chris.
The Pep’s and Chris were pretty much on the same team this week and now that they were vanquished by the Castillo-DeFelice unholy alliance, the Pep's have to be completely rattled inside the coaching office and will now hope this collapse doesn't force them to look back at the 2015 season like this:
Dave decides to go with Osweiler instead of Drew Brees, which is exactly the kind of ballsy call that separates the men from the boys. The problem is that Dave Cress as a fantasy franchise has yet to hit puberty and his voice cracks repeatedly every time Brees tosses a touchdown while Oswieler plays the role of game manager. J.P. approves of this arrested development as he turns his sights towards Monday night football where he will hopefully finally be able to sodimize Dave’s prepubescent team like Jared Fogle.
Zach predicts a pick six and on the very next play the Broncos D oblige, which further distances them from the rest of the 2015 fantasy D/ST units. Jordan is unconcerned with Zach’s points as his boy, Cam Newton has multiple wide open receivers to throw to and his 46.1 point day ultimately gets Jordan a win. It’s not all jingle bells and fa-la-la for Jordan though, as he’ll need his running backs wake the fuck up soon or else Newton will be carrying the Panthers and the Targaryen’s on his broad shoulders all the way through December.
Castillo refills his wine glass for the 5th time on the day. As he opens his mouth to insert a slice of Papa John’s pizza into it, watery sauce and Sicilian meats rain down onto his white hoodie. Castillo is now very buzzed and his hoodie isn’t hiding that fact. This is what the Catalina Wine Mixer is all about.
Brady and Chandler hook up and Meyer is trying to walk the fine line of praying for a Patriots loss while hoping Brady and Chandler score lots of points. Fanning is also cheering for the Patriots to lose but is probably hoping that Tom Brady’s hand detaches from his wrist on the next throw. The Pep’s are also hoping that the Patriots lose but are cursing at the fact that it’s mostly because the Eagles D and special teams unit are playing out of their minds. Of fucking course when the Pep’s bench the Eagles, they decide to rack up 24 fantasy points, which is 35 more than the Pep's have gotten from Philly in the past two weeks combined. The commish is trying not to take his playoff chances seriously but he’s also seeing more and more pieces fall into place.
Sunday Night
Martavis Bryant scores one of the many Steelers touchdowns on the night, which clinches a victory for Granger. Fanning will not be able to climb in the playoff seed pecking order but he’s got enough points to not worry about losing a tiebreaker for a berth.
Castillo declines multiple requests for a ride home and is now filled with 47% wine, 8% pizza, and 45% hubris. Castillo is hammering wine from a bottle and box and now that he’s clinched the Points Title, I don’t think the good times will come to a halt anytime soon. Michael Peppel checks his ipad for the 137th time on the day and probably fantasizes about taking a bottle to Castillo’s cranium as the point lead is now gone forever and the regular season title is fading away like Castillo’s sobriety. The Peppel-DeFelice-Ch. Marvel-Castillo four square game was going to determine a lot of money and order in our league and all four of them are keeping each other in the running with their uninspired play.
The Pep’s vs. Castillo regular season title was on the line on Sunday night as was Chris’s playoff spot and it was going to be determined by a tag team match of DeAngelo Williams and T.Y. Hilton for Yo against Antonio Brown and Donte Moncrief for Chris. Castillo was likely passed out on his couch at this point with cabernet sauvignon dripping down his cheek but if he wasn’t blacked out by 8:30, he saw DeAngelo get the rock late in the 4th to help take back the lead, despite all of Antonio Brown’s best efforts and funny touchdown celebrations. Whether Castillo was conscience or not when he clinched, he was able to make an impressive three week run to overtake the Pep’s and win about $500 on the final Sunday of the regular season. I wonder how many boxes of Franzia he could buy with that.
Monday Night
J.P. was essentially in the playoffs thanks to the loss of Chris and Jerome’s lack of points so he was able to laugh at the MNF game like the rest of America. Dave had to be livid at watching Matt Cassel ignore the Cowboys’ best player all night while Dave also allocated equal anger towards his Brock-Brees QB decision. Dez Bryant made a great catch late to make it close and DeSean Jackson completed the worst punt return in the history of the NFL by fumbling the ball and keeping Dave in the game late in the 4th quarter. DeSean reconciled for his sin soon after with a deep TD grab to pretty much eliminate Dave as his improbable playoff run comes up just short.
I mentioned that the Pep’s decision to make a lone one dollar bid on Tamme would cost them the regular season title, but it would do that in the most roundabout way possible. If the Pep’s put one more buck on Tamme, Marvel is forced to ride with Jason Whitten on Monday night. Whitten then gets his 4.5 points, which is 1.9 more than Tamme gets, which would’ve allowed Chris to beat Castillo. This gives the Pep’s the regular season title while also earning Chris a playoff spot. I don’t know if Chris is a fan of The Wire but I can’t stop comparing his time in this league to the theme of that show. Every season, Chris makes real progress to defeat the seedy enemies that surround him by doing what he believes is the right thing to do. Every season Chris comes so close to emerging as the hero and every year there’s one miniscule mixup that ruins his chances and allows the bad guys to walk away smiling. Another brutal season ender for Chris.
The Pep’s and Chris were pretty much on the same team this week and now that they were vanquished by the Castillo-DeFelice unholy alliance, the Pep's have to be completely rattled inside the coaching office and will now hope this collapse doesn't force them to look back at the 2015 season like this:
The dust has settled on the league and with the playoffs mostly locked in, all the owners need to worry about is an overnight point correction. When those do not come, the playoffs are set and we close the book on one crazy-ass week of fantasy football.
Finally, just so I can help tie together the fact that is not always the decisions you make yourself but also the acts of those around you that can determine our fates in this league, let me quickly run down the scenarios that allowed me to get into the playoffs. I’m not trying to pat myself on the back as I fully acknowledge I’m lucky as shit to get in. I certainly do not deserve a spot but I am trying to show all the random plays and decisions that affected my chances and those that were vying for a playoff spot with me.
If Jordan doesn’t score 66.2 points against me in week 12, I don’t win and Chris is in the playoffs.
If Kevin plays Russel Wilson instead of Dalton (I don’t blame him) Kevin is in and I’m out
If Robbie Gould doesn’t shank a 36 yarder as time expires in the 4th, Kevin is in and Jerome is out
If Dan and Corey give up and don’t outbid everyone for David Johnson on waivers, Kevin wins and is in, Jerome is out
If James Jones fights for five more yards instead of lateralling the ball back to Rodgers on that weird facemask play, Chris is in, Jerome is out, and the Pep’s beat Castillo for the regular season title
If Mason Crosby makes a 41 yard field goal in a dome, Chris is in, Jerome is out, and the Pep’s beat Castillo for the regular season title
If we vote to count return TD’s for individual players in the offseason, Antonio Brown’s return counts and Chris is in, Jerome is out, and the Pep’s beat Castillo for the regular season title
If Dave starts Brees over Osweiler, Dave is in and Jerome is out
If the people at Stats Inc. do not turn Willie Snead’s fumble into a Brees interception, Dave beats Jerome in week 8. This gives Dave one more win, which means Dave is in the playoffs and Jerome is out
If the Pep’s start the Eagles D instead of the Bears D (don’t blame them) Chris is in, Jerome is out, and the Pep’s beat Castillo for the regular season title
If the Pep’s pick up Tamme, Chris is in, Jerome is out, and the Pep’s beat Castillo for the regular season title
If Jerome actually gets laid in college, he is so bad at putting on a condom, he mistakenly rips it while applying it to his whiskey dick. Unfamiliar with the inside of a woman's vagina, Jerome doesn't recognize this prophylactic tear and proceeds to ejaculate within 14.7 seconds after insertion. After requests for an abortion are denied, your commissioner is then forced into a shotgun wedding with Heavy Chevy. Jerome then converts to become an Orthodox Jew, swears off football forever and grows those weird sideburns. Jerome is no longer the D12 commish, you have saved 87 hours of your life from not reading D12 recaps since 2002 and you are enjoying your somewhat less rambling fantasy football commissioners while wondering whatever happened to your Propecia swallowing, Admiral Nelson drinking, Hot Pocket eating college buddy. This is some real Inception stuff going on.
All of this doesn’t account for any of the dropped passes, goal line tackles, bad coaching decisions, and penalties that could’ve swung any of these matchups one way or another. Again, I feel truly #blessed to be in the playoffs right now and my #thoughtsandprayers go out to those owners and their families who saw their playoff hopes die in tragic fashion.
I don’t know if we can do much better in the playoffs than we did in week 13 but the commish will try his damndest to produce a Round 1 preview on Thursday or Friday. For those of you that are no longer with us in 2015, I want to thank you for your service and wish you the best of luck in any other league or football pools this winter. For the eight of us still standing, don’t forget to restock the fridge with booze and the medicine cabinet with Mylanta because we’re about to embark on some more stress-filled football watching this weekend.
Finally, just so I can help tie together the fact that is not always the decisions you make yourself but also the acts of those around you that can determine our fates in this league, let me quickly run down the scenarios that allowed me to get into the playoffs. I’m not trying to pat myself on the back as I fully acknowledge I’m lucky as shit to get in. I certainly do not deserve a spot but I am trying to show all the random plays and decisions that affected my chances and those that were vying for a playoff spot with me.
If Jordan doesn’t score 66.2 points against me in week 12, I don’t win and Chris is in the playoffs.
If Kevin plays Russel Wilson instead of Dalton (I don’t blame him) Kevin is in and I’m out
If Robbie Gould doesn’t shank a 36 yarder as time expires in the 4th, Kevin is in and Jerome is out
If Dan and Corey give up and don’t outbid everyone for David Johnson on waivers, Kevin wins and is in, Jerome is out
If James Jones fights for five more yards instead of lateralling the ball back to Rodgers on that weird facemask play, Chris is in, Jerome is out, and the Pep’s beat Castillo for the regular season title
If Mason Crosby makes a 41 yard field goal in a dome, Chris is in, Jerome is out, and the Pep’s beat Castillo for the regular season title
If we vote to count return TD’s for individual players in the offseason, Antonio Brown’s return counts and Chris is in, Jerome is out, and the Pep’s beat Castillo for the regular season title
If Dave starts Brees over Osweiler, Dave is in and Jerome is out
If the people at Stats Inc. do not turn Willie Snead’s fumble into a Brees interception, Dave beats Jerome in week 8. This gives Dave one more win, which means Dave is in the playoffs and Jerome is out
If the Pep’s start the Eagles D instead of the Bears D (don’t blame them) Chris is in, Jerome is out, and the Pep’s beat Castillo for the regular season title
If the Pep’s pick up Tamme, Chris is in, Jerome is out, and the Pep’s beat Castillo for the regular season title
If Jerome actually gets laid in college, he is so bad at putting on a condom, he mistakenly rips it while applying it to his whiskey dick. Unfamiliar with the inside of a woman's vagina, Jerome doesn't recognize this prophylactic tear and proceeds to ejaculate within 14.7 seconds after insertion. After requests for an abortion are denied, your commissioner is then forced into a shotgun wedding with Heavy Chevy. Jerome then converts to become an Orthodox Jew, swears off football forever and grows those weird sideburns. Jerome is no longer the D12 commish, you have saved 87 hours of your life from not reading D12 recaps since 2002 and you are enjoying your somewhat less rambling fantasy football commissioners while wondering whatever happened to your Propecia swallowing, Admiral Nelson drinking, Hot Pocket eating college buddy. This is some real Inception stuff going on.
All of this doesn’t account for any of the dropped passes, goal line tackles, bad coaching decisions, and penalties that could’ve swung any of these matchups one way or another. Again, I feel truly #blessed to be in the playoffs right now and my #thoughtsandprayers go out to those owners and their families who saw their playoff hopes die in tragic fashion.
I don’t know if we can do much better in the playoffs than we did in week 13 but the commish will try his damndest to produce a Round 1 preview on Thursday or Friday. For those of you that are no longer with us in 2015, I want to thank you for your service and wish you the best of luck in any other league or football pools this winter. For the eight of us still standing, don’t forget to restock the fridge with booze and the medicine cabinet with Mylanta because we’re about to embark on some more stress-filled football watching this weekend.