Last night I believe Mike Napoli tried to give a shoutout to the Shocker Thursday night slow pitch softball team. Not the best shocker signal I've seen but it's also the first attempted shocker with a dislocated finger. This got me to thinking of the perfect slow pitch softball team. Much like when Mr. Burns replaced his Springfield Nuclear Power Plant softball team with MLB studs, we'll do the same with an updated version.
Pitcher - R.A. Dickey. Could put some serious flutter on his 10 foot arch. Would provide comedy when he tries to bat.
Catcher - Mike Napoli. Has the perfect slow pitch physique and swing. Also seems like a guy that not only brings a case of beer for the game but also works the grill during weekend tournaments.
First Base - Miguel Cabrera. So many great options for this position but Miggy wins for a couple of reasons. He'll obviously go yard if needed but he can also spray doubles in the gap if you reach the homer limit. Also pulled out a bottle while he was pulled over for a D.U.I. so we know who has a flask packed in his bat bag.
Second Base - David Eckstein. Every team needs a guy that takes it too seriously and this is the guy. He'll bat leadoff and he'll also drive straight home after a loss, backup every base, and yell at you when you forget how many outs there are.
Shortstop - Jimmy Rollins. If you want to avoid the four or five out innings on defense, you need a solid shortstop. Rollins is great with the glove and also was pretty damn solid with the bat. He'll probably give everyone a cool nickname and come up with entertaining high five routines.
Third Base - Troy Glaus. This guy is going to mash softballs but is pretty much a parked Jeep at third. That's fine, he'll just knock down all the hot potatoes off his chest, scoop them up, and make a semi accurate throw to first.
Left Field - Rickey Henderson. This guy is going to crack us up all day when we pregame in the parking lot before games. The stories this guy must have from playing in the game longer than God's been around. He'll surprise you in the field as he'll probably still get to every ball and he can also can hot dog a homerun better than anyone else.
Left Center Field - Mike Trout. You have to have the young guy on the team that reminds everyone of what you used to be. He's going to take the extra base, hit a ton of triples, and make diving plays in the outfield. He's also going to get carded when you go to the bar after the game.
Right Center Field - Ichiro Suzuki. He's the pain in the ass that can hit the ball anywhere on the field. This is the dickhead that goes oppo on outside pitches and smokes pea rods down the line on inside pitches. He'll also go up the middle if necessary. This guy also beats out 80% of the groundballs he hits. Overall pain in the ass.
Right Field - Barry Bonds. Every tournament team has the guy with eye black, forearm bands, batting gloves, earring, and Oakley shades. Bonds is that guy. He's going for that tournament MVP and is going to be the dopest looking motherfucker on the field no matter what.
Designated Hitter - Matt Stairs. Slow pitch players dream of his beautifully natural uppercut swing. He'll sit on the bench all game, toss in a fatty in his bottom lip, and then go smash one 415 over the right field wall. If one of his bombs hits the top of the fence, you can be sure he'll be standing at first base.
Bench guy - J.D. Drew. He's the guy that might or might not show up tonight for the game and he damn sure won't text or call to let you know. He's always got some nagging injury or some other distraction that makes it tough to rely on him. When he's in there, he's not all that good in the first place. He'll be the first to nag you before the season to make sure he's on the team but he'll show up for 25% of the games. Whether it's a pulled hamstring from running up the line or pulling the late shift at work, playing with this bro is like pulling teeth.
Pitcher - R.A. Dickey. Could put some serious flutter on his 10 foot arch. Would provide comedy when he tries to bat.
Catcher - Mike Napoli. Has the perfect slow pitch physique and swing. Also seems like a guy that not only brings a case of beer for the game but also works the grill during weekend tournaments.
First Base - Miguel Cabrera. So many great options for this position but Miggy wins for a couple of reasons. He'll obviously go yard if needed but he can also spray doubles in the gap if you reach the homer limit. Also pulled out a bottle while he was pulled over for a D.U.I. so we know who has a flask packed in his bat bag.
Second Base - David Eckstein. Every team needs a guy that takes it too seriously and this is the guy. He'll bat leadoff and he'll also drive straight home after a loss, backup every base, and yell at you when you forget how many outs there are.
Shortstop - Jimmy Rollins. If you want to avoid the four or five out innings on defense, you need a solid shortstop. Rollins is great with the glove and also was pretty damn solid with the bat. He'll probably give everyone a cool nickname and come up with entertaining high five routines.
Third Base - Troy Glaus. This guy is going to mash softballs but is pretty much a parked Jeep at third. That's fine, he'll just knock down all the hot potatoes off his chest, scoop them up, and make a semi accurate throw to first.
Left Field - Rickey Henderson. This guy is going to crack us up all day when we pregame in the parking lot before games. The stories this guy must have from playing in the game longer than God's been around. He'll surprise you in the field as he'll probably still get to every ball and he can also can hot dog a homerun better than anyone else.
Left Center Field - Mike Trout. You have to have the young guy on the team that reminds everyone of what you used to be. He's going to take the extra base, hit a ton of triples, and make diving plays in the outfield. He's also going to get carded when you go to the bar after the game.
Right Center Field - Ichiro Suzuki. He's the pain in the ass that can hit the ball anywhere on the field. This is the dickhead that goes oppo on outside pitches and smokes pea rods down the line on inside pitches. He'll also go up the middle if necessary. This guy also beats out 80% of the groundballs he hits. Overall pain in the ass.
Right Field - Barry Bonds. Every tournament team has the guy with eye black, forearm bands, batting gloves, earring, and Oakley shades. Bonds is that guy. He's going for that tournament MVP and is going to be the dopest looking motherfucker on the field no matter what.
Designated Hitter - Matt Stairs. Slow pitch players dream of his beautifully natural uppercut swing. He'll sit on the bench all game, toss in a fatty in his bottom lip, and then go smash one 415 over the right field wall. If one of his bombs hits the top of the fence, you can be sure he'll be standing at first base.
Bench guy - J.D. Drew. He's the guy that might or might not show up tonight for the game and he damn sure won't text or call to let you know. He's always got some nagging injury or some other distraction that makes it tough to rely on him. When he's in there, he's not all that good in the first place. He'll be the first to nag you before the season to make sure he's on the team but he'll show up for 25% of the games. Whether it's a pulled hamstring from running up the line or pulling the late shift at work, playing with this bro is like pulling teeth.