As I’ve previously mentioned, this week was too busy to commit a lot of time towards the Dirty Dozen league. I'm sure it's like that for almost everyone in here, too. I anticipate next week will be pretty full for the commish but I didn’t want to leave you guys empty handed, so I asked a favor from some of my media friends to help break down our league. These guys have done a little homework on the Dirty Dozen and have some hot takes to dish out and hopefully these fresh voices will be a nice break from the usual mopey tone we get from the commissioner every week.
Welcome to D12 Sunday Morning Countdown on a Friday afternoon, I’m your host Chris Berman and joining me today and every day in studio are my good friends Gin and Tonic. Allow me to talk about the filet mignon of the Dirty Dozen football league; Zach “Underground” Suer and his Donkey Punches. We haven’t seen a franchise become this dominant since Vince Lombardi and Bart Starr lead their teams down the froooozen tundra of Lambeau Field each and every week. Look, when you have players like Joseph “Too Hot to” Randle, Jimmy Graham “Crackers”, Eli “I Got a” Manning, Brandon “Brothers to the bone, right?” McManus and “Return that book to the Libr-Arian” Foster, you have a team that looks better than those glorious powder blue uniforms worn by the San Diego Chargers. Nobody and I mean nobody circles the wagons like Zach Suer and the Denver Donkey Punches. Now let me send it over to my good pal Cris Carter but before I do, I need to tip this beefeater on the rocks back, back, back until it’s GONE!
Thanks, Boomer. Let me tell y’all sumthin’ about these two brothers Mike and Brian Pebbles. These two men, they came to play this season. You best believe when they done drafted themselves a Larry Fitzgerald, dey knew Fitz would be DA MAN that a young DeAndre Hopkuns could and would look up to. When I look in the eyes of a Allen Hurns and dat Allen Hurns done look at my droopy ass eyes, we connect on a level that only elite receivers can know deep inside dey head. You take these three elite receivers on the fantasy football field and you have Andrew Luck and that Carson Palmer, who KNOW HOW TO GET DEM DEY BALL, and then you have the pieces to a Granger Cup jenga puzzle. I ain’t never agree wit whut a young Adrian Peterson did when he whooped up on his blood and flesh but I do know dat AP is the truth when you put that man between the sidelines and give him that football. To a man, this team posses all the talent you need to win a game at the end of the day but at the end of the day we’ll see if these brothers put them all in a position to to dey thing and allow the Pep’s to finally climb that mountain Everest and win the whole thing. What you think, Stephen A?
Listen to me, what you two men just said was quite possibly the most preposterous, most slanderous, most ludicrous hyperbole I’ve seen in my entire prestigious career. Look, I’ll fully admit that Zach Suer has that championship look once again and the Peppel brothers be doing their thing on a weekly basis, but c’mon man, ain’t nobody going to be better than the Mike Castillo’s Huckleberries. What this man has been able to acquire thanks to shrewd roster moves and impeccable foresight is assemble a backfield with more versatility than my man Drake. I spoke with coach Tomlin and he told me personally that Le’Veon Bell should be the MVP this season and if I were the commissioner, I would personally see to it that Lev Bell be featured on that Sunday Ticket commercial because America is tired of seeing Peyton Manning and Andrew Luck as white men sell a product for a league that is 73 percent black. It’s racist, it’s disgusting, and it’s the ugly truth. I took a skype call with Frank Gore and he told me that he might be the #3 man in this pecking order and not even start thanks to the emergence of Doug Martin this season. I can’t help but think of the multitude of black athletes that never get a chance on the field thanks to white coaches and white owners caring more about their reputation rather than helping the black man succeed in this league. It’s despicable, it’s deplorable, and it’s racism at its worst in America. Black lives matter and I truly believe in my heart that it’s going to take a fantasy owner with a blood line that is not 100% Caucasian to become the Martin Luther King Jr. of this league and that man is Mike Castillo. Castillo is the only minority coach and owner in this clan meeting y’all call a fantasy league and if Mike Castillo is allowed to play on the same playing field as the white owners in this league, he will lead this team to a championship and bring the overt racism within this league to the front page of the newspaper, and these pages are white, I remind you. Then and only then will we talk about the true issue of race in this league, in this country, and in this pitiful excuse for a society. I have Jay-Z and Kobe on the other line so let me send it over to two more white males, in Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic. Cracker ass crackers.
Thanks Stepehen A! This is Mike Greenberg live from the DraftKing studios! In case you don’t recognize it immediately, myself and Golic play this shtick every day where I’m the nerdy jew that’s never played a sport in my life and Golic is the ex-jock that thinks farts are really funny and eats nacho cheese with his hands. Being that we have to do everything as a hokey setup, Mike and Mike are going to talk about Jeff and Jeff in our league. Get it? I’ll start by talking about Jeff Fanning and his Westminster Warriors. Now I’ve never played a down of football in my life but even I know Chris Ivory is not someone I would try to tackle. He’s running harder than a Ford F-150, is smoother than a shave from Dollar Shave Club, and loves football more than you’ll love Stamps.com if you put in the promo code “Greeny”!!! Now I’ll admit I would rather spend my time chipping and putting rather than clipping and punting on the football field but even I know if this team relies on Blake Bortles and Sam Bradford to win a championship, that’s going to be a worse idea than not writing a legal will and trust, so visit our friends at Legal Zoom and put in the promo code “TwoMikes” for a free trial. Ohh, Golic, what are you up to now? Can you put down the chicken wing, cold beer, and try to tell us a little something about Jeff Meyer’s team, you big lugnut?
Ohhh, man Greeny. You bet. Jeff Meyer’s team is one…we…..we….oh jeez, Greeny, I forgot to zip up my zipper when I got back from the bathroom. Ain’t I some big dumb ex-jock? Anyway, like I was saying, I think I like Jeff Meyer’s team more than a Subway Sandwich, Subway…eat fresh. I’ll start with Tom Brady who I certainly cannot relate to because he’s got those movie star looks and that model wife and I was more concerned with crushing beer cans over my forehead and giving noogies to freshman in my day. Actually, let me apologize, um, um, um, um, noogies are bullying and we don’t agree with bullying of any kind at ESPN. Now, I’m no numbers guy because I never liked math as a kid but I can do the math for Meyer and say that he needs to find one more running back and, and ,and, and he can do that if he subtracts one of this quarterbacks. It’s a quarterback league and believe me it wasn’t when I played. Nope, we would love nothing more than to put all 11 guys on the line and see who would win that battle in the trenches where mud and blood and wing sauce was all over our jerseys. I think Antonio Gates is going to help this team in the second half of the season but, but, but even though I don’t read books because that’s what nerds do, I sure can read the writing on the wall that it’s now up to Brady and Forte to carry this team and hope that the receivers and Gates do enough every week to keep Granger, I love that name, Granger, in contention for a title. OK, I left my keys in my truck because I’m a dumb ex-jock so I’ll go smash in the window to get those and while I do that you can listen to Mike Ditka break down Dirk Diggler. Ha ha, he named his team after a porn star.
What a buffoon. If there’s one thing I liked more than smoking a smooth Cuban cigar or betting on thoroughbred horses, it was winning championships. There’s no team I can relate to more than Dirk Diggler and their man’s man of an owner, J.P. diZerega. Listen, where I’m from you capitalize the first letter in your last name, but that aside, J.P. wins because he does it his way or the highway. He doesn’t buy into your new timey stats and numbers. No, he played the game of football and knows what it takes to beat your man and take his will to win away from him one clothesline at a time. Listen, these athletes today and coddled and nursed too much which is why this team is going to beat them all, because they’re old school. Steve Smith, he’s a player that does what it takes to win. Brandon Marshall is a tremendous receiver that will step on your throat on his way to the endzone. I love players that ain’t afraid to run between the tackles which is why DeMarco Murray and Justin Forsett are this league’s Walter Peyton and Ricky Williams. You can take all your new rules and decimal points and free agent budgets and you can jam them all up your ass with a spatula because me and J.P. want to play this game like they did back when men were men and football was football. You better believe that J.P. will be the last man standing this year because he’s a stubborn son of a bitch and those men are the ones that win wars and fantasy football leagues.
Wow. Strong takes from my man, Mikey D. from the windy city. Put that man in the smackoff, rack him, and play the super bowl shuffle. Welcome back to the jungle, I’m Jim Rome. Let me run off at the mouth about the clones currently fighting the war for their emperor, Kevin Petty. Let me start with the Jesus freak himself who threw the game winning pass into the hands of a Seahawk…EERRRRRRR….a Patriot to end Super Bowl 49. You know who I’m talking about, I’m talking about Russell from Seattle. When you get paid like Money May, you have to win like Money May and Russell, you are no Money May (You know I keeps a private jet). Russell is now scoring less on Sunday than he does with Ciara and #3 is doing all he can to make sure the Seattle Aquatic Birds and Kevin Freaking Petty won’t be playing in a game where Katy Perry sings. Marshawn Lynch and Jeremy Hill ain’t helping them, they’re hurting ‘em and when the best option out of the backfield is the same size and has the same pigment as Jeff Van Gundy, that’s a real problem. Now, with that said, there’s some real jungle karma going on with this team since week four as they’ve rattled off three straight wins and now look like the team Dennis Greene predicted in the offseason (They are who we thought they were!!!) It now looks like this team is limping around less like Mr. Miller and is striding powerfully like Shared Belief. War naming your fantasy team after a Wheat Ridge legend. War drafting Allen Robinson in the 6th round. War Emmanuel Sanders finally getting a spiral from Peyton last week. War getting positive points from the D/ST. And War breaking a 15 year Granger Cup drought. Let’s go to commercial, don’t change that dial to 104.3 The Fan or you’ll have to hear from these two clowns…
Thanks Romey, welcome to the drive, I’m Big Al, waiting for D-Mac to show up and while we wait, let me tell you about this Johnsons and Johnsons fantasy footbawwl team. See, when your fantasy team continues to run out a quarterback that ain’t got nothing left, you ain’t never gonna win the super bowl like I did with the Denver Broncos. What Burke and Marvel needs to do with Johnsons and Johnsons is set they personal feelings aside and make a business decision to finds a new leader for this footbawwl team. See, see, cause this ain’t gonna work with Peyton Manning behind this horrible Denver Broncos o-line. Nuh uh. Let me tell you what, if Peyton Manning is throwing the footbawwl for the Denver Broncos and the Johnsons and Johnsons, you might as well forfeit the season. I’m serious. Ain’t no reason to lace ‘em up because you ain’t gonna be out there competing at a high level no more. Not like I did when I won the Super Bowl with the Denver Broncos. Now what I would do if I was a Dan Burke or if I was a Corey Marvel is I would go to that there waiver wire and I would pull out my virtual wallet and buys me a quarterback. I ain’t care if it’s a Brian Hoyer, I ain’t care if it’s a Mike Vick, it has to be someone else. Sorry Peyton but you had your chance, party’s over man. And if Dan or Corey are keeping Peyton in the starting lineup to help move merchandise sales and keep his face in the public spotlight, then their fans should boycott they games. I will say that this man, uh uh uh, a Calvins Johnson is quite possibly the best wide receiver ever play the game and this dude on the other side, a Julio Joneses, he’s a straight beast and he might be the best receivers who ever played this game, too. It’s a shame that so many talent on this rawster being wasted on the outside of the hashmarks because this team don’t have a good quarterback. Mike Vick might be a top 5 QB to every play this game and Jameis Winstons is going to be a top 3 QB to play footbawwl and don’t forget about Teddy B, who right now could be the top quarterback in the NFC, they all out there for you to pick and if I’ms a Dan Burke or if I’ms a Corey Marvels I pick one of them up and sends Peyton Manning of the Denver Broncos out the door and out of the game of footbawwl. Now let me pass the mic to my main man Mark Kiszla. What’s good Kiz?
Chris Marvel is not a winner. The scoreboard will tell you that, I don’t need to. But I will. There was so much promise for this franchise when Britney Spears was in latex and the twin towers were still standing proud. This promise has gone unfulfilled because Chris Marvel let it happen on his watch. Nevermind the fact that he routinely scores more points than most of the league. When Chris brings that up in a conversation, it does nothing besides magnify the fact that he just doesn’t get it. Denver is a place for winners, not whiners. Chris has all the talent a fantasy team could ask for. He has Aaron Rodgers, who is great but makes an appearance during the commercial breaks more than he does in crunch time. Chris owns Devonta Freeman, who looks like the 2015 MVP but has never been asked to prove his worth during a playoff stretch. And yes, Antonio Brown is a special player but he sure does put on an invincibility cloak as soon as someone besides Big Ben is under center. Chris Marvel swallowed the delicious taste of victory too early in his career and he didn’t know how to handle it. He’s been an embarrassment to this league since HBO played Tony Soprano and Alicia Keys played the piano. You might call Chris’s championship drought bad luck, you might call it bad timing, but it’s time we all just call Chris Marvel a bad football owner, a bad father, a bad husband, and a bad human being. It’s just that simple.
Whoa, Jeeeem. That Mark Kiszla really does not like Chris Marvel, does he? I’m Phil Simms and in case you forgot, I had a son play sparingly in the NFL and I would like to talk about another owner in this league that also has a relative playing in it, Chris’s brother Jordan. Now, I’ve watched a lot of tape on Jordan’s team and how he’s been coaching them lately and I think I found what might be the problem. If I can show you a clip of Jordan’s gameplanning, we can identify what might be going on with this teeem, Jeeeem.
Now after watching this play for hours on end, I noticed that there wasn’t as many players blocking for the ballcarrier that there was defenders. And in this league, that’s not going to work. This has been Jordan’s problem all season. He has enough players on his roster but he’s not putting them in a position to help this team win. Too many times there is the wrong player in the wrong position, either in the starting lineup while injured or on the bench while there’s a blank roster spot. Now, this is a copycat league so maybe we’ll start seeing more owners leave starting positions blank and we’ll start seeing teams carry 3-4 tight ends but until that day comes, Jordan will need to adjust to the league members around him. You have to like what you see from Cam Newton, who has really played some excellent quarterback this season and I do think Giovani Bernard is the best running back in Cincinnati but they are aren’t clicking as a teeem, especially when you see Demaryius Thomas drop passes and the Seahawks D play uneven at times. There’s some good talent on this team but until the coach draws up a better gameplan, I don’t know if I’ll be aloofly announcing this team in the Fantasy Bowl this year.
Good job Phil….NOT! I’m Scott Hastings and since I’m hungover and bloated as shit this morning, I’m going to just take calls, text, and emails, so lets first go to Bradlee from Ft. Collins. Bradlee, you’re on the air.
Bradlee: “Thanks Scotty. Listen, love the show. Ok, listen, I’ve been thinking. How in the world can Jerome DeFelice be this bad each and every year? We’re talking about an owner that spent more hours on the D12 league than the authorities did looking for Whitey Bulger. I mean, really, why is this man still the commish? OK, I’ll hang up and listen.
Hastings: “Welp, Bradlee. I’ll tell you what, you ain’t never caught a fish without baiting a hook under the pale moon light, you know?”
OK, we have someone on the text line, let’s read it. The text is from Norbit VanDusseldorf in the 303 and it reads, “When does Jerome suspend himself from being the commish because his team sucks so bad?” Does it happen before Eddie Lacy eats enough to cause tectonic plates to shift on earth? Does it happen before Mike Evans runs a clean route? Does it happen before Jonathan Stewart gains more than 3 yards on one play? When, Scott, when?”
Hastings: “Oh boy, that’s a long text. Listen, now, my dad told me back in Arkansas that patience is something a real man has to learn while the sun is out and the pigs are in the slop.”
Finally, let’s read an email from twatpounder216. He says; “Dear Scotty, when Jerome DeFelice and Dan Snyder get together to talk about who is more inept at running a football team, who picks up the bill?” Hastings: “When I played for the Detroit Pistons Rick Mahorn would never pick up the bill. He used to say “it’s called a bill, and we should give it to Bill.” He was talking about Bill Lambier who ended up paying the bill most times we went out, left no tip, and then forearm shivered the Puerto Rican valet on our way out the door. OK, it’s been a real treat today, I’m going to hurl into a painter’s bucket now but not before we close the show with D-Mac on you best for live and local sports, 104.3 the Fan.”
Bradlee: “Thanks Scotty. Listen, love the show. Ok, listen, I’ve been thinking. How in the world can Jerome DeFelice be this bad each and every year? We’re talking about an owner that spent more hours on the D12 league than the authorities did looking for Whitey Bulger. I mean, really, why is this man still the commish? OK, I’ll hang up and listen.
Hastings: “Welp, Bradlee. I’ll tell you what, you ain’t never caught a fish without baiting a hook under the pale moon light, you know?”
OK, we have someone on the text line, let’s read it. The text is from Norbit VanDusseldorf in the 303 and it reads, “When does Jerome suspend himself from being the commish because his team sucks so bad?” Does it happen before Eddie Lacy eats enough to cause tectonic plates to shift on earth? Does it happen before Mike Evans runs a clean route? Does it happen before Jonathan Stewart gains more than 3 yards on one play? When, Scott, when?”
Hastings: “Oh boy, that’s a long text. Listen, now, my dad told me back in Arkansas that patience is something a real man has to learn while the sun is out and the pigs are in the slop.”
Finally, let’s read an email from twatpounder216. He says; “Dear Scotty, when Jerome DeFelice and Dan Snyder get together to talk about who is more inept at running a football team, who picks up the bill?” Hastings: “When I played for the Detroit Pistons Rick Mahorn would never pick up the bill. He used to say “it’s called a bill, and we should give it to Bill.” He was talking about Bill Lambier who ended up paying the bill most times we went out, left no tip, and then forearm shivered the Puerto Rican valet on our way out the door. OK, it’s been a real treat today, I’m going to hurl into a painter’s bucket now but not before we close the show with D-Mac on you best for live and local sports, 104.3 the Fan.”
Heh, Scotty. Too many jagerbombs with Dan Issel last night? Now I might be the most unathletic person to ever try to tell athletes what to do but I’m at it again because I need to tell Dave Cress how to win football games in his fantasy league. Dave, you should really start the season by doing your normal studying of football players. Gather up all that knowledge you attain, trust your gut on the players you like, and then about eight minutes before the draft starts I need you to go into the kitchen and find the thickest pancake skillet you own and I need you to hit yourself over the head with it until the draft starts. Do not stop until you are more concussed than Troy Aikman. You will not remember one second of the draft and you will not draft any of the players you like, but David, this is a good thing. It’s a good thing because all of your natural fantasy football instincts are backwards. It’s been proven since you losers started this league up in Fort Collins. It’s time to face the hard truth that your brain and fantasy football go together like Lamar Odom and brothels. It’s going to end with you guys clinging to life at the end of the experience while America and even the Kardashians feel sorry for you. If that is tough to swallow for you, just think how hard it is to swallow with this turkey neck of mine. It looks like I’m the last one in the studio and it's time to go so I'll let you guys turn the channel to listen to Biggie Smalls, Jason Aldean, homo hits, or whatever you 14 dingbats listen to besides men discuss sports.
It's Jerome here, and since I was able to get on this site for a second so I just want to quickly say thanks to all the guest hosts that helped fill in for me while the commish is taking a break from these recaps. I’ll try to come back refreshed in a week or two and if I haven’t smashed my laptop into 2,000 pieces after looking at my fantasy roster, I’ll see if I can write up a recap straight from the commissioners office next time.
It's Jerome here, and since I was able to get on this site for a second so I just want to quickly say thanks to all the guest hosts that helped fill in for me while the commish is taking a break from these recaps. I’ll try to come back refreshed in a week or two and if I haven’t smashed my laptop into 2,000 pieces after looking at my fantasy roster, I’ll see if I can write up a recap straight from the commissioners office next time.