Beer and football have had a glorious and profitable marriage long before we had fake I.D.’s and started this fantasy league. You probably spent more time with Spuds McKenzie, the Bud Bowl, and Twiiiiiiins than you have the best man in your wedding and that relationship has grown with the momentum of a Coors Light locomotive plowing through a brick wall. The Dirty Dozen doesn’t have enough funding in their advertising budget to compete with the NFL but we were able to secure a sponsor with alcohol ties thanks to shrewd negotiating. Instead of the Coors Light Cold Hard facts, I will present the Jack Daniels Downhome Punch Four Flaccid Facts about each D12 team after their week 9 performance. Most of these will be as bitter and unsatisfying as a beer bong loaded up with Lynchburg Lemonade.
Miller’s All Stars vs. The Huckleberries
Kevin’s Facts:
Kevin’s Facts:
- This team plays defense as proficiently as the Paul Westhead Nuggets used to. Skybox for life.
2. Kevin probably thought that Sunday was his lucky day when Castillo’s kicker got ruled out just before the game started. Kevin probably didn’t think Folk’s 0 points would be 1 more than Robbie Gould would muster the following night
3. Hard to know if Dalton will be the man to lead this team in the playoffs but he was much better than Tannehill so he’s already earned himself a clutch win in Petty’s book
4. Only Jordan Speith finishes with more scores in the red than Kevin’s D/ST does.
Castillo’s Facts:
Ren & Stimpy vs. Turf Nerbos
Dan Marvel’s Notes:
3. Hard to know if Dalton will be the man to lead this team in the playoffs but he was much better than Tannehill so he’s already earned himself a clutch win in Petty’s book
4. Only Jordan Speith finishes with more scores in the red than Kevin’s D/ST does.
Castillo’s Facts:
- Castillo appears to be more of a matchups guy rather than a hot hand guy. Tyrod Taylor had a better matchup against the Dolphins than Derek Carr did against the Steelers but it’s pretty obvious that Derek Carr is twice the QB T-Mobile is. Castillo may ignore the matchup from here on out and just hand the keys to Carr and let him drive the rest of the way.
- DeAngelo Williams is why fantasy football is weird. The guy looked burned out and old for the past four years and suddenly he’s an unstoppable force and a potential top 5 RB. I said Castillo would suffer from the Le’Veon Bell injury and now I’m starting to doubt that. I might ask all my fantasy running backs to frost their dreadlocks pink if it means they can run like DeAngelo.
- Whether people refer to him as “The Muscle Hamster” or “The Dougernaut” he will always be called inconsistent by fantasy owners.
- Good idea to trade for WR help.
Ren & Stimpy vs. Turf Nerbos
Dan Marvel’s Notes:
- Hard to believe that game represented Peyton’s third best game of the season. I have to think this is the same face Corey had while sitting in front of his TV. Dan was also sending this face in Corey's direction because he wanted to start Mariota this week but Corey would not let him. This is just a rumor made up by the commish just now but it's totally 100% the truth.
- Losing Johnson & Johnson to a bye probably didn’t cost this team a win but the 1 combined point from their replacements (Morris and Floyd) certainly didn’t help
- Julius Thomas looks like the latest horrible Jacksonville personnel decision and the latest tight end to realize that life without Peyton is a rough one
- This will be the only time we mention Crabtree and Jerry Rice together but they both surprised the hell out of everybody by revitalizing their career by going from San Francisco to Oakland.
- I won a game last week and won another one this week. If I win a game next week, that’s called a winning streak. It has happened before.
- Eddie Lacy: negative one point. Eddie Lacy; negative one roster spot on my team. Really running out of ways to keep you on my roster. Fat fucker.
- Mike Evans had a nice stat line but at second glance, 152 yards on 19 friggin’ targets actually seems like a letdown. Dude dropped passes like he borrowed J.P.P.’s glove.
- This is the face you make when you work alongside a bunch of San Diego Chargers and then realize you have to go home to eight kids.
That’s My Vereen vs. Lord Jeffrey
Granger’s Observations:
Granger’s Observations:
- A three game losing streak starting the same time Jamaal Charles got injured is probably not a coincidence.
- Not sure you can ever call a game where your QB throws for 299 yards a 2 TD’s a bad game but that’s how this feels for Tom Brady owners.
- Martavis Bryant is the new Cris Carter. All he does is catch touchdowns and abuse substances.
- Granger’s trade of Eric Decker is looking as good as Mrs. Decker does.
- This game very likely included the eventual NFL MVP, whether that be Brady or Cam Newton.
- This team looked like they were in serious trouble when September ended but an injection of Gurley and Jeffrey suddenly has this team in a position to host a playoff game.
- I’m going to go ahead and recommend that you drop Dwayne Allen. This recommendation is mostly based on the fact that he has been targeted 17 times the whole season and got more Aqib Talib fingers to the retina than he did passes thrown his way on Sunday. OK, I wrote this on Tuesday afternoon and you have since heeded this advice. Ignore this bottle of Lynchburg Lemonade.
- Roethlisberger watches games in the same position as most of his fantasy owners do every week. Jesus, another injury? He also eats the same amount of Totinos pizza rolls as most of his fantasy owners do, too.
1st pick of the 2015 draft vs. 2nd pick of the 2015 draft
Marvel’s Notes:
Marvel’s Notes:
- This was Aaron Rodgers’ reaction when he saw how badly he missed a wide open Cobb on the final play and was probably the same reaction Chris had on his couch when he checked his iPad and saw another fantasy opponent go off against him.
- Antonio Brown might’ve done something we’ve never seen in this league; score 28.4 points without a touchdown
- Mike Castillo would love for Tony Romo would come back and Chris Marvel wouldn’t mind that either because Jason Whitten has been a total non-factor with whatever XFL caliber QB the Cowboys run out there
- At least Melvin Gordon didn’t fumble again.
- I don’t want to jinx these Italian Stallions but it’s going to take a pretty bad month for these guys to not win their first D12 regular season championship.
- About the only thing that might slow them down is if their top pick and QB1 got his kidney split open, but that wouldn’t happen in a million, zillion years.
- Tyler Eifert is the Joc Pederson of football. He doesn’t make a lot of contact but when he does, it usually goes for a home run. Eifert has 37 catches on the year, 9 of which are touchdowns, which is a 25% TD rate.
- Allen Hurns is the Tyler Eifert of wide receivers. He has 36 catches on the year and on 6 of those catches, he broke the plane of the goalline with the ball in his hands. I think fantasy football success might rely too much on whether or not your players score touchdowns but I don’t think the Pep’s would agree with that statement this year.
Dave’s Facts:
- Dave must’ve felt like Eddie Murphy in Trading Places this week. So used to scratching and clawing for a couple points every week and suddenly the points just kept coming in from all sorts of unbelievable places at the snap of a finger.
- Sammy Watkins gets hurt a lot and usually doesn’t have a good QB throwing him the ball but he will throw up a 20+ point game every month or so to remind us of how good he can be.
- Lamar Miller with Joe Philbin as coach: 5.4 points per game.
- Lamar Miller with Dan Campbell as coach: 22.4 points per game.
- I don’t think a poll will get Fanning kicked out of the league but losing to the Dick Tickling Cock Jockeys by 68.4 points might justify the boot.
- A.J. Green might be the 11th ranked receiver in our league but he’s been pretty average outside of one huge game this year.
- The Dion Lewis injury is a really tough one for this team. Especially considering that Carlos Hyde’s season is hanging by a thread and Ronnie Hillman’s 0.1 point game won’t tilt the Broncos backfield carries any more to his side.
- I know the stink of Jacksonville is tough to scrub off but Blake Bortles might actually be a trustworthy fantasy QB for this team. If this is true, Fanning will finally stop the shitty QB carousel ride he’s been on all year.
Z’s Facts:
- Got to wonder a little bit if this team is going to struggle if they don’t get the usual 30 combined points from the Broncos D and McManus. This is the top scoring team in our league so Suer probably isn’t sweating it too much but Zach has been getting about 15 more points per week from the D/ST and kicker than his opponent gets on average, which has obviously been a huge reason he wins more than he loses.
- Jordan Matthews has been one of the many Philly Eagles to disappoint in fantasy this season but his Sunday night walkoff could be the start of a turnaround for this man and his QB.
- Here’s another in a long line of crazy D12 stats for Zach; the last time he won the Boner of the Week award in the regular season was October 25, 2011. 52 fantasy weeks have passed since. I don’t know if this makes him feel any better or not.
- Nothing will prompt a trade for a running back like having to start Dexter fucking McCluster on your fantasy team.
- This team was dangerously close to careening off the playoff cliff but an unexpected win against the Donkey Punches jerked the wheel over just in time to possibly keep this conversion van down the right road.
- I assumed J.P.’s idea to start Murray and Mathews was more a product of laziness than strategy but they combined for 33.8 points for J.P. and the Eagles to make J.P. look smart and J.D. look dumb…again.
- I don’t know if anyone in here watched that show Ballers on HBO but if you did, you have seen more of Victor Cruz than anyone else has this year. Why he’s still on this fantasy roster is hilarious to me. I also like how they keep ruling him out every week like somehow Mr. Miyagi was just about to go to New York and heal Cruz but those damn skeleton ninjas keep ruining his travel plans.
- Matt Ryan's forehead looks more lubed up than Ron Jeremy's penis.
Now, I hope you all feel the same shame and sugar hangover from reading this as you would’ve got from chugging a four pack of Jack Daniels Downhome Punch and Lynchburg Lemonade in your mom's basement on a school night.