Foles Gold vs. Westminster White Devils
One team that didn't get much from their quarterback this week was Corey Marvel and Dan Burke. Nick Foles had an awful week with only 3.9 points for an Eagles team that couldn't do shit on offense against the 49ers. Foles failed to complete 50% of his passes and ruined any chances his NFL and fantasy team had at a victory. Foles might not have been the most disappointing player for this team though as Calvin Johnson was able to suit up but he was obviously hobbled and his two catches for 12 yards showing was evidence of that. This team has now gone a full month without getting a rushing touchdown from their starting running backs and that could be a big factor as to why this team is 1-3 right now. There were a couple of glimmers of hope for these dual owners as Steve Smith Senior looked hungry to take it to his former team and his lucky bounce and excellent ball skills helped him get two touchdowns and 25.5 fantasy points. The Texans D played well with a nice pick six from J.J. Watt which helped this fantasy D score 16 points to give these guys an early lead during the morning games. It was for naught, though as this is now three consecutive crappy games from Foles Gold and if Foles has a couple more rough games and Megatron isn't quite right, this team could be stuck on 1 win for the foreseeable future, especially if their running backs fail to hit paydirt.
Jeff Fanning has been about as bad at streaming a D/ST than the Red Sox are at winning baseball games in 2014 but he finally connected with his Dolphins D/ST pick, which earned him 20 points in merry old England. The lesson here is to start whatever D is playing the Raiders because the Raiders do things such as this better than anyone else.
Ambiguously Gay Duo vs. Denver Donkey Punches
When Ace and Gary saw that Zach decided to play a tight end on a bye and only scored 86.4 points on the week, it looked like this might be the week that ended Suer's incredible winning streak. The Pep's had a golden opportunity to get a little revenge on Zach but a pair of bad free agent pickups crushed this team's chances and the end result was something we're all familiar with; Zach winning and the Pep's losing. It was a rough week for fantasy D's as there wasn't a lot of juicy matchups but there was definitely a lot of awful performances and the Redskins D was the first to enter negative territory by making Eli Manning look like Peyton en route to a -3 point showing for the Skins D/ST. Peterson's suspension and Bernard's bye tied the hands of Ace and Gary and they were unable to find the right tool on their belt to break their hands free in time. When you pick up Shonn Greene, you just hope he get the ball at the two yard line and punches it home for a touchdown because he's probably not going to do anything else to rack up the points on Sunday. Some of us played flag football on Sunday morning and out of the eight that participated, maybe six of them are faster than Shonn Greene right now. Greene's 1 point was the result of him getting only three carries on the day and was the second swing and miss for this team in the free agent pool. Cutler looked sharp in the first half and shitty in the second as he went from Jay Fuckin' Cutler! to Fuckin' Jay Cutler in a matter of minutes. Jordy Nelson was making plays all game for this team as he's now proving to be a legit top five receiver if he can stay healthy. A couple of bad moves likely cost this team a win but they gave Suer a definite scare and will hopefully have a competent backfield and better GM luck the rest of the way.
Zach Suer was so confident at his chances of winning that he started Julius Thomas and swallowed a fat zero from that position but Suer more than made up for it by scooping up Roethlisberger in a favorable matchup against the Bucs. As I'm scanning Zach's roster for a possible player to drop in order to fill out a complete starting lineup, one glaring player sticks out to me as he's been carrying two kickers all season and probably could dump Prater and pick him back up next week. I know Zach is pot committed with Prater at this point as he picked him in the 10th round and has gotten so much shit for his pick that he has to find a way to get points from him before the season ends, no matter what. Once again Zach got the last laugh on everyone as Big Ben looked pretty damn good on Sunday, which is what can happen when you play against the Buccaneers and his 28.2 points is 30.2 more points than the two boner free agent pickups the Pep's had this week. Kelvin Benjamin has officially moved into solid WR2 territory as he's the most reliable player on that Panthers offense, which is a mess right now. Golden Tate picked up the slack from Megatron this week and Alf Morris chipped in with 15 points, which made up for the six combined points from Suer's defense and kicker this week. It wasn't pretty to say the least and even though Zach makes some roster moves that are open for criticism initially, he more than makes up for it with smart roster moves that helps keep his winning streak alive.
Ray's Elevator Service vs. Graham's Crackers
Kevin needed a win in the worst way this week but going up against one of our stronger teams while having six guys on a bye seemed to bury this team before a single NFL game was played. Petty tried to pick up enough free agents to make a respectable showing and he would've made it interesting if not for the Panthers -8 point game, which should be a huge concern for Petty. The Panthers were primed for some regression this year but I don't think anyone predicted this defense would be this friggin' unreliable this early. They started out hot but they've combined for -15 points over the past two weeks, which is absolutely killing any chances that Kevin has for a win. Kevin does deserve some credit for buying low on Romo in his trade as Tony was great on Sunday night and finally looks healthy with a 30.4 point game. Kevin should also get a thumbs up for picking up Eddie Royal as the former Denver fan favorite was making big time plays with a 22.5 point showing this week. Kevin got a little unlucky when DeAngelo Williams hurt his foot in a game where he could've gotten 20 touches if he stayed in there, which is the latest in disappointing games from a Panthers running back. Bobby Rainey looked like a decent free agent find but he was not mentioned much against the Steelers and looks like he won't be a starter for the Bucs or a fantasy team anytime soon. It's probably time for Kevin to move on from Hakeem Nicks at this point, too. Andrew Luck was tremendous this week as he threw for 394 yards and four touchdowns but that equated to two catches for 12 yards for Nicks in another disappointing performance. Nicks hasn't looked right for about 20 games now and is probably not going to turn it around any time soon. Kevin's fantasy team is now 0-4 and have yet to score more than 90 points any week so far so Kevin better hope that with a lot of byes out of the picture, this team can take advantage of other fantasy teams with bye problems because this team needs to start scoring and winning some games before they are mathematically eliminated before our first snowfall.
Matthew Stafford can be absolutely infuriating to own. Last week Fat Matt was all over the place with this throws and this week, Stafford made some really nice throws and even ran one in (WHAT?!?!) even though he never really got into the endzone. Stafford was able to score 30.4 points without a healthy Calvin Johnson, which helped Chris go back to loving this hot n' cold quarterback. Chris might have to start sweating the #1 overall pick as LeSean McCoy followed up a 2.2 point game with a 1.7 point game and his YPC on the season is something the #111th pick should have, not the top overall pick. Chris scored over 100 points and does have a pretty solid team from top to bottom but if Darren McFadden is the top scoring running back at any point the rest of the season like he was in week four, Chris will have reasons to worry. I feel like Antonio Brown is never mentioned when you talk about top NFL receivers with your buddies but he should be mentioned and his back-to-back 20+ point games are proof of this. Even though he dropped what would've been a long touchdown, he's always open and he gives fantasy owners reasons to dance every single week. He's really good.
That's My Forte vs. Ahwatukee Drunk Cactusman
A cactus is a plant that needs minimal water to survive but this Cactusman better get some nourishment immediately before he wilts and dies. I ragged on Kevin's roster but he might have some competition when it comes to the "team most likely to finish dead last in this league" designation. I have to give credit to Dave for mixing it up with a trade and even though it was like pulling teeth for me and him to get on the same page with our trade, Dave knows he needs to mix it up to find his way onto the playoff bubble at some point. Granted, two of the three guys he traded for didn't contribute this week but he'll at least have some hope when he plugs in his new players next week and the rest of the season. Dave should be more concerned with his sixth round draft pick as Cam Newton is obviously not 100% and is playing as such. If Cam isn't getting rushing yards, it really lowers the ceiling on his point potential and Cam is not doing anything with his legs so far and probably won't do much the rest of the year. Dave seemed aware of this as he started Kaepernick, who is not scared to run so far this year and his 24.4 point game was a respectable amount and more than double of what Newton scored. Dave decided to start both Detroit Lion running backs, which isn't optimal but is also about the only thing he could do with his bye situation. The Jets aren't good at many things but they can stop the run and did so again this week, which minimized the points for Dave's running backs. Corderrelle Patterson had unlimited potential coming into the season and had a great week one but the fact remains that he isn't a reliable pass catcher at this point. Patterson's only caught 13 passes so far this year and if he isn't breaking a trick play, he looks like a guy that can't be started in fantasy leagues. Of course as soon as Dave benches him, he'll go off for 20 fantasy points. Dave was smart to pick up the Colts D, which isn't a sentence we've dedicated to the Colts D hardly at all since we started this league. Unfortunately, not much else went right for Cactusman Cress. Dave was a 49.4 point underdog this week according to the projected points, so Dave probably knew his fate before a single snap was taken but Dave better hope his new players flip a switch or this team is going to be an underdog every week and get put down very soon.
Jeff Probably went to google to find his 2014 team name but it's hard to roll week after week with a witty team name when the player you googled is playing like garbage. Forte hasn't been good so far this season but nothing turns a season around like playing the sieve run defense that is the Green Bay Packers. Forte is a very good football player and Granger is far from panic mode with #22 but he needed to take advantage of this matchup or Meyer might need to consider highlighting a different player for his team name. Forte's 122 rushing yards and 17.1 fantasy points will put Meyer at ease and if Forte gets rolling, Meyer might have a team that can compete with Zach and Chris for our regular season title. Meyer had to like seeing Phil Rivers starting against the Jaguars and he predictably manhandled the Jags for 33 fantasy points. Rivers looks like a no brainer every week start for the Grange moving forward. Ahmad Bradshaw was able to jump spike this week to help Jeff get some decent points from his backs for a change and Meyer's Delanie Walker pickup and start over Vernon Davis wasn't predictable but was a very wise move in hindsight. There is some concern for Meyer as Andre Johnson now has two less touchdowns than J.J. Watt has at this point and Jeff's third round pick has yet to score in double digits so far this year. Johnson will probably get better but this is not a very encouraging start. Brandon Marshall still doesn't look completely healthy but he at least got into the endzone to eliminate a total dud showing for this Bears receiver. Jeff didn't cover the ridiculous spread that ESPN posted but he did have a pretty worry free Sunday of football, which I guess is why he's got an undefeated team so far.
Nerf Turbos vs. Demaryius Targarean
Does your dog start shaking and spaz out when a thunderstorm is approaching? This is how your commish feels at about 10:45 every football Sunday when he looks at his fantasy matchup. I've been kicked in the ribs enough lately to assume that everything will go wrong for me on Sunday and even though my team actually played pretty well on Sunday, I could not rest easy with a lot of players yet to play on Monday night football on ESPN and the ESPN mobile app. The commish pretty much locked up a win by Sunday night and then the New Orleans Saints defense decided to bust out a -5 point performance, which gave Jordan a little window to attack with his Patriot-heavy lineup. It started with Aaron Rodgers on Sunday for Jerome and Rodgers carved up the Bears just like he's done over and over again and his 36.8 points was a sight to see for the commish and was another fantastic quarterbacking clinic put on this week. For all of the struggles that the commish has endured so far, his team looked like the champsionship squad that he foolishly predicted after the draft. Vincent Jackson was the only one that didn't score in the double digits, and he was dang close and outside of the Saints D/ST, this was a total team effort to capture their first win. I swear to Jesus Henry Christ that I haven't had a reliable tight end and kicker since college but Martellus Bennett and Dan Bailey have been nothing short of awesome so far and have saved me from the weekly free agent scouring that I'm accustomed to. There is finally some sun that shined on this team and even though it's hard to be overly optimistic at 1-3, at the very least this team got a much needed win and another 100+ point game to point them in the right direction.
Jordan Marvel bought me a shot of fireball on Saturday night and based on the impending fantasy matchup, I wouldn't be surprised if he spit in it before sliding it over to me. I appreciate the fireball whiskey and from what we saw this week, I should be the one buying Jordan a shot for laying down to help the commish get his first win. It's officially time for Jordan to fret over Tom Brady. He was pretty bad last year and based off of what we've seen so far this season, there's really no reason to think that Tom is going to return to his former self. The dude absolutely cannot throw a decent pass over 15 yards at this point. This does not bode well for Amendola and Edelman, who are now watching Tom's passes sail wide time after time. Jordan should be a little encouraged that Doug Martin and Frank Gore found the endzone as they have been pretty bad so far this year and needed games like this. Victor Cruz racked up a lot of yards and Dwayne Allen was a very smart pickup but there is no way to bounce back from a game that the Pats had when you are leaning on those guys like Jordan does. I know Jordan drafted Brady early and Tom obviously should get the benefit of the doubt but I would have to think that Brady is one more god awful game from being benched by this fantasy team if Jordan runs out of patience. Jordan had some bye week problems but if Brady and the surrounding parts keep this pace up, we'll all be waiving bye to his playoff chances pretty soon.
Dirk Diggler vs. I'm Your Huckleberry
It's nothing short of impossible to win a fantasy matchup when one of your players scores -12 points. I said last week that I didn't think any team would go lower than the -7 the Panthers D barfed up but it took seven days for two teams to prove me wrong. I will make this proclamation right now; there is no fucking way a team scores worse than -12 the rest of the season. The Falcons D is bad and that was on full display this Sunday as they got butt rammed by a pretty pedestrian Vikings team without their best offensive player and with a QB making his first start. Like I said, it would be unfathomable to think Castillo would have a prayer of rebounding from this, especially when Diggler tossed up 114.2 points but not only did Castillo make it interesting, he made the rest of the league his bitch. Fantasy owners across this great land have been waiting for the Colts to stop running their two tight end, run heavy offense and it looks like the Colts finally realized that Andy Luck is really good and throwing footballs and they should just let him sling it around the yard. Luck was fantastic on Sunday as he's our top scoring player so far and could remain at the top spot if he continues to get the green light to chuck it. Castillo made a very smart move in picking up Larry Donnell, who rewarded him with 23.4 points on Thursday night for the G-Men. Randall Cobb was catching touchdowns in Soldier Field , which helped make it close but Castillo could not enjoy much of the scoring on Sunday because it would hinge on Jamaal Charles and his iffy status in order for Castillo to get a win. Charles hasn't been worth it so far but he made great strides in gaining back Castillo's trust as he got a ton of looks around the goalline and converted three of his chances for a huge Monday night performance to lead Castillo back for a big win. It wasn't always pretty and Castillo did burn 25 overall points by playing the Falcons D over the 49ers D but this team is now 3-1, has the top scoring player, and if Charles is healthy again, this is a team that will win some more high scoring weekly awards.
I said that J.P. probably didn't get goosebumps on draft night when he nabbed DeMarco Murray in the first round but holy moly has DeMarco looked like the best running back in all of football so far this season. Murray has been money in the bank so far this season with a 100+ yards rushing and a touchdown happening every week so far. DeMarco looks destined to win J.P. some positional award money if Murray can stay healthy throughout the year. Even though the Falcons got throttled by the Vikes on Sunday, it wasn't because of Matty Ryan, who chipped in 26 points on what has been a really good year for him so far. diZerega also had to like the sight of Keenan Allen breaking out and even though he didn't find the end zone yet again, his 10 catch, 135 yard game will erase any touchdown concerns J.P. might have. I'm not sure if Colston can ever be trusted and that will be a weekly headache for J.P. and it looks like J.P. has given up on Toby Gerhart already, and I can't blame him. The good news is Chris Ivory might be the feature back in New York and J.P. was pretty smart to anticipate this by benching Gerhart and playing Ivory this week. J.P. did about as much as he could do this week but he went up against a fantasy team that had four dudes score more than 23 points, which is impossible to overcome and was the reason this team is no longer undefeated.
I hope everyone had fun celebrating "Shit on Derek Jeter Week" on the internet the past 10 days. Jeter probably isn't a top three shortstop of all time and probably isn't a top four Yankee of all time but why did people feel the need to point out every single flaw Jeter had in his game? Keith Olberman has turned into someone that eats, drinks, and sleeps trolling nowadays and even though he's a smart guy who knows more baseball than I ever will, was it really necessary for him to beat on Jeter for five minutes? He's a lifelong Yankee fan, too. Yes the Derek Jeter farewell tour got massive amounts of coverage and everyone might have Yankees farewell tour fatigue after Rivera and Jeter but maybe these things aren't for all you Yankee haters. A ton of people had a lot of great things to say about Jeter and I will be the last person to shed a tear about negative comments about numbah two but it was just strange to me that some people felt the need to point out the fact that Derek Jeter wasn't the best baseballer that every baseballed this close to his retirement. Lastly, how great was his final home game? I totally kept my composure while watching the last three innings of that game but I swear Steph kept chopping onions in the room all night because my eyes were always watery. Weird.
LaRon Landry got busted for PED's? You mean this guy right here? Nah.
That CU game was bananarama. Another zero defense Pac 12 game with awful kicking. Got to hand it to the Buffs for hanging tough as double digit underdogs on the road but that probably won't help pacify the pain of losing in that fashion at all. By the way, their coach is an absolute maniac on the sideline. Seriously throws more tantrums than any of your kids do when you tell them to go to bed.
Cris Carter's eyebrows are bigger than any divot I've replaced on a golf course.
I love the Ryder Cup. I hate that the United States is now the obvious inferior team.
How do you get told to go to bed by your wife at 6:00 PM? Start drinking wine at 11:00 AM and never stop.
Go to any Buffalo Wild Wings location on a UFC fight night and you will see at least 10 of the 200 dumbest Coloradoans currently breathing out of their mouths.
Notre Dame should've beat Syracuse by 40.
I think I've gained more weight than my wife since she got pregnant.
I'm half excited, half terrified at this upcoming Avalanche season. They can't possibly be as good as they were last year and I think I've seen more experts pick them to miss the playoffs than return to them. They Avs defied all the critics last season and hopefully they can do the same this year. The bar has definitely been raised, which is a good thing.
A bit of D12 trivia for you. Can you name the three players that have been in the NFL since we started our league in 2000?
Peyton Manning, Adam Vinatieri, and Sebastian Janikowski