Week Two is way too early to make judgements on our players, teams, and league but that’s what you guys pay me to do, so I’m going to read and react to what I see from each team and either help you feel warm and fuzzy about your footballers or cold and disheartened by your drafted dildos. One thing is for certain no matter where you are in the standings or how you feel about your team as a whole, at least one of your keepers sucks and I’m sure you’d like to throw him back like a carp that dined on spent cans of Skoal long cut for a month. Pretty much all of us are feeling pretty awful about the early returns from a keeper or early draft pick and now we all know what the Chargers GM felt like two games after drafting this guy:
We've all made mistakes and will continue to do so throughout the year but let's look at which owners might take the Peyton Manning road to success this year and who might be reaching for the bottle of whiskey and Vicodin like Cryin' Ryan Leaf.
Drunk Hiccups
Dan should be feeling pretty confident when he sets up his roster for the week except for that RB2 spot, which could be a major problem. Dan probably had the thinnest RB options of any team and when Doug Martin got hurt, it means Dan will probably be trotting out a bunch of backs that get 4-7 carries a game and maybe 4.5 fantasy points if he’s lucky. Fortunately this roster is really solid at pretty much every other position although Kelce looks like he’s well on his way of not fulfilling the fantasy hype for yet another season and getting this reaction from his fantasy owners.
Drunk Hiccups
Dan should be feeling pretty confident when he sets up his roster for the week except for that RB2 spot, which could be a major problem. Dan probably had the thinnest RB options of any team and when Doug Martin got hurt, it means Dan will probably be trotting out a bunch of backs that get 4-7 carries a game and maybe 4.5 fantasy points if he’s lucky. Fortunately this roster is really solid at pretty much every other position although Kelce looks like he’s well on his way of not fulfilling the fantasy hype for yet another season and getting this reaction from his fantasy owners.
We spit on D’s and kickers in fantasy football but when they combine to average 32 points a game like they have for Danny so far, it’s a big enough bump to put you at the top of the standings.
New Favorite Player: Vikings D/ST
Drafter’s Remorse: Travis Kelce
Dick Tick Cock Jock
The good news for David is that Lamar Miller is getting a ton of carries in his new home. The bad news is he’s got nowhere to go with them. The good news about the bad news is that DeAngelo Williams has been the best pinch hitter since Matt Stairs and is our best running back in the league after two weeks. Dez and Dak ain’t all Dat this season but Dave is finding ways to get points from the WR position with Cooks and Benjamin, who might have problems getting on rollercoasters but have provided heightened expectations for Dave and his fantasy team that looks too legit to quit.
New Favorite Players: DeAngelo Williams
Keeper's Remorse: Dez Bryant
Team Tecmo
Granger and Belichick are undefeated without Tom Brady, to the surprise and chagrin of the rest of the league. I’m guessing Jeff predicted he’d be in an 0-2 hole without the services of his keepers but a little points against luck and some smart draft picks have him in prime position to move up the D12 ladder. Willie Snead has been a steal, Blount has been phenomenal, and Spencer Ware has allowed the Chiefs and fantasy owners to be more than patient with Jamaal Charles’ return. Everyone in Denver seems to hate Eric Decker and a lot of Broncos fans gave the “have fun in New York with those shitty quarterbacks, you money grubbing pretty boy” but like most of Eric’s life, things have worked out better than anyone imagined. It’s time to admit that Decker is a pretty damn good receiver no matter who is throwing the dead pig in his direction and now that Broncos fans have endured 20 games with less than stellar quarterback play, we should probably admit that Eric “Big Dick” Decker is getting plenty of stats and plenty and plenty of poon in the Big Apple.
New Favorite Player: Vikings D/ST
Drafter’s Remorse: Travis Kelce
Dick Tick Cock Jock
The good news for David is that Lamar Miller is getting a ton of carries in his new home. The bad news is he’s got nowhere to go with them. The good news about the bad news is that DeAngelo Williams has been the best pinch hitter since Matt Stairs and is our best running back in the league after two weeks. Dez and Dak ain’t all Dat this season but Dave is finding ways to get points from the WR position with Cooks and Benjamin, who might have problems getting on rollercoasters but have provided heightened expectations for Dave and his fantasy team that looks too legit to quit.
New Favorite Players: DeAngelo Williams
Keeper's Remorse: Dez Bryant
Team Tecmo
Granger and Belichick are undefeated without Tom Brady, to the surprise and chagrin of the rest of the league. I’m guessing Jeff predicted he’d be in an 0-2 hole without the services of his keepers but a little points against luck and some smart draft picks have him in prime position to move up the D12 ladder. Willie Snead has been a steal, Blount has been phenomenal, and Spencer Ware has allowed the Chiefs and fantasy owners to be more than patient with Jamaal Charles’ return. Everyone in Denver seems to hate Eric Decker and a lot of Broncos fans gave the “have fun in New York with those shitty quarterbacks, you money grubbing pretty boy” but like most of Eric’s life, things have worked out better than anyone imagined. It’s time to admit that Decker is a pretty damn good receiver no matter who is throwing the dead pig in his direction and now that Broncos fans have endured 20 games with less than stellar quarterback play, we should probably admit that Eric “Big Dick” Decker is getting plenty of stats and plenty and plenty of poon in the Big Apple.
We’ll stop with the Jameis Winston MVP hype after that embarrassment to football and Meyer will improbably keep winning without his two best players.
New Favorite Player: LeGarrette Blount
Keeper's Remorse: Jamaal Charles
Nerf Turbos
I usually am writing about my team at the bottom of a standings-based recap, spewing expletives, chastising players and myself for horrible decisions, and blaming luck for all of the fantasy football tribulations I’ve endured. So far this year there has been little to bitch about with solid play from my receivers, nice depth at almost every position, and a D/ST and kicker that actually get me double digit points. Maybe this is finally the year I’m actually good in this league and maybe you will start seeing smiley face emoji’s at the end of every sentence on here with an XOX signature at the bottom. But since I know the pain of depressing fantasy teams and out of nowhere backdoor covers, I’ll make sure to call Eddie Lacy a dumpling eating fat fuck just to make sure the cynicism stays close to the normal everyday level.
New Favorite Player: Stephon Diggs
Keeper's Remorse: Eddie Lacy
Demaryius Targaryen
As usual, I look at Jordan’s roster and have the same blank stare on my face as Jay Cutler does when he throws an interception. Or a touchdown. Or fumbles. Or wins a playoff game. Or loses by 40. I can't get a read on this team. Cam Newton is awesome and will be fine if he plays anyone besides the Broncos. Todd Gurley might be in serious trouble as he’s seeing an Adrian Peterson-like defensive formation every time and he’s got no holes to run through in La-La Land. C.J. Anderson has been wrecking dudes but the receivers on this team have been flat out terrible with the exception of Corey Coleman, who is now hurt because he plays for the Browns. Just like last year, this team can score 120 or 60 any given week and will rely on Cam Newton to put up an MVP caliber performance each time out.
New Favorite Player: C.J. Anderson
Keeper's Remorse: Todd Gurley
You Done Messed With A-Aron
This has been a rough two weeks for keepers in our league and keeping with that theme is the lackluster play of Aaron Rodgers. It looks like the same problems still plague the Packers this year as their receivers cannot get open and Rodgers is not putting up the numbers we’ve enjoyed for so many seasons. Chris was not spared from the RB injury plague that swept through football last week as Danny Woodhead will take his lunch pail and hard hat to the ER and get his teeny-tiny ACL repaired for next season. This whole team seems to be still be in preseason form and it will probably take a few more weeks to see if the talent will emerge or if this team will be stuck in neutral most of the year.
New Favorite Player: Cardinals D/ST
Drafter’s Remorse: Michael Floyd
Westminster Warriors
This is another team that sits rightfully in the middle with a few huge performances sprinkled into a bowl of lackluster play. Luck should be good but the Colts are an absolute train wreck on and off the field and Luck is teetering on becoming a beat up QB that makes too many mistakes too often. I’m not sure how long this team can play Forsett in the RB2 spot but Yeldon and Booker aren’t doing enough to take over that spot. At least Matt Forte is getting the ball 95.8% of the time in New York and looks great so far. Gronk finally played but put up the same amount of points in pads as he did in sweat pants for the first two weeks, which hasn’t done Fanning any favors. Plenty of ways for this team to go from here.
New Favorite Player: Matt Forte
Keeper's Remorse: Rob Gronkowski
Dirk Diggler
It was bound to happen and we all should’ve seen it coming. Matt Ryan is our #1 quarterback and will undoubtedly lead diZerega to another Granger Cup. Maybe not if his supporting cast of McCoy, B-Marsh, Gates, and DeSean Jackson continue to get hurt or do nothing. Melvin Gordon is helping the cause and maybe, possibly, could be a real RB1 for this team and the first running back out of Wisconsin to do anything in the pros. I have been saying this lately and really could say this for every team right now but there no telling where this team will be in six or seven weeks, which could be a good thing or a bad thing for J.P.
New Favorite Player: Melvin Gordon
Keeper's Remorse: Brandon Marshall (Jesus, literally, actually figuratively, all our keepers suck a fatty so far)
I’m Your Huckelberry
I would’ve bet my entry fee that Castillo would pounce on DeAngelo Williams early in our draft but then again, I've been about the worst football gambler in the past 18 months. I’m sure Castillo prioritized DeAngelo but he didn’t secure him and it’s cost him so far this year. Devonta Freeman was supposed to allow this team to lose minimal production with LeVeon’s suspension but he’s been pretty bad and is starting to lose faith in the ATL, which might cost Castillo when he goes to the ATM in December. Derrick Henry and Jay Ajayi have done nothing so far, which means it’s Fozzy Whitaker’s turn to earn a spot in this backfield until Castillo is saved by the LeVeon Bell. Kelvin Benjamin is proof that preseason jabbering can mean next to nothing sometimes as he’s taken some bad rumors and turned it into the best looking wide receiver in our league so far. This team should improve and we’ll see if the backfield will be holding this team back all year long.
New Favorite Player: Kelvin Benjamin
Drafter’s Remorse: Devonta Freeman
Have You Seen Me? Zach
Thomas Rawls is keeping the streak alive as yet another god awful, terribly disappointing keeper selection. Corey can’t say that I didn’t warn him as I inserted C.J. Anderson in that spot due to lack of response, only to see Corey insert Rawls at the last second. There’s definitely a chance Ralws rebounds and the usual running back sniper kills Anderson at any point but I wonder if Corey will be kicking himself all year if that doesn’t pan out. Fitzgerald will never not be good apparently but Sammy Watkins will never not be injured, which has to be frustrating for these guys. If Odell can step it up and the running backs start doing anything positive, this team will get better but so far this picture of Ben Roethlisberger is a perfect illustration of big talent looking old and shriveled up so far in this young season.
New Favorite Player: Larry Fitzgerald
Keeper’s Remorse: Thomas Rawls
The Bushwhackers
Like most drunken dudes, a frozen burrito can be a go-to menu option late at night and like most drunken dudes, the Pep’s accidentally put the microwave on defrost instead of the regular heat in order for this team to warm up to proper edible temperature. Everyone was expecting Eli to put up 12 fantasy points on his first two drives not the entire game against the Saints but that is exactly why we all love/hate Eli because there’s no telling how good or bad he’ll be, regardless of the opponent. The Peterson injury really sucks for these guys and the Stewart injury certainly didn’t help at all but I did commend these two for their RB depth, so we’ll see if that pays dividends throughout the year, especially since they were smart enough to draft McKinnon. Elliot really needs to step it up now and the receivers on this team have not gotten off to the hot start many expected. It’s been really bad really early for these two and being that teams that start 0-2 make the D12 playoffs only 36% of the time (I just made that up), this team will need to get some good news and a good victory very soon.
New Favorite Player: Uhhhh, Graham Gano, I guess
Drafter’s Remorse: Randall Cobb
Miller’s All-Stars
Since we’re all overreacting to our teams right now on this post, I am going to go out and say Kevin’s team has the potential to be the worst we’ve ever seen in this league and maybe in the history of fantasy sports altogether. Nobody on this team has played anywhere close to what Kevin expected and you just have to look at his current Flex starter (Michael Thomas) to prove that. If you can tell me who Michael Thomas plays for without looking, I’ll buy you a wine cooler at In The Zone. I would say that Kevin could lean on his keepers of Russell Wilson and Allen Robinson but Wilson is obviously hurt and plays behind a line that allows more heat in the pocket than an iphone with the flashlight accidentally left on. I am not really sure how this team will get any better and this sure has the look of a Tarantino film where pretty much every single person dies a painfully brutal death.
Keeper’s Remorse: Thomas Rawls
The Bushwhackers
Like most drunken dudes, a frozen burrito can be a go-to menu option late at night and like most drunken dudes, the Pep’s accidentally put the microwave on defrost instead of the regular heat in order for this team to warm up to proper edible temperature. Everyone was expecting Eli to put up 12 fantasy points on his first two drives not the entire game against the Saints but that is exactly why we all love/hate Eli because there’s no telling how good or bad he’ll be, regardless of the opponent. The Peterson injury really sucks for these guys and the Stewart injury certainly didn’t help at all but I did commend these two for their RB depth, so we’ll see if that pays dividends throughout the year, especially since they were smart enough to draft McKinnon. Elliot really needs to step it up now and the receivers on this team have not gotten off to the hot start many expected. It’s been really bad really early for these two and being that teams that start 0-2 make the D12 playoffs only 36% of the time (I just made that up), this team will need to get some good news and a good victory very soon.
New Favorite Player: Uhhhh, Graham Gano, I guess
Drafter’s Remorse: Randall Cobb
Miller’s All-Stars
Since we’re all overreacting to our teams right now on this post, I am going to go out and say Kevin’s team has the potential to be the worst we’ve ever seen in this league and maybe in the history of fantasy sports altogether. Nobody on this team has played anywhere close to what Kevin expected and you just have to look at his current Flex starter (Michael Thomas) to prove that. If you can tell me who Michael Thomas plays for without looking, I’ll buy you a wine cooler at In The Zone. I would say that Kevin could lean on his keepers of Russell Wilson and Allen Robinson but Wilson is obviously hurt and plays behind a line that allows more heat in the pocket than an iphone with the flashlight accidentally left on. I am not really sure how this team will get any better and this sure has the look of a Tarantino film where pretty much every single person dies a painfully brutal death.
New Favorite Player: Uhhhh, Panthers D
Keepers Remorse: Everyone on this roster
Best of luck to everyone avoiding the running back minefield in week three and may your keepers keep on keepin' on.
Keepers Remorse: Everyone on this roster
Best of luck to everyone avoiding the running back minefield in week three and may your keepers keep on keepin' on.