The action on the field is a semi-controlled tanker spill loaded with bad fundamentals and consistent mental mistakes from the players and coaches. Officiating is inconsistent at best, head trauma is a constant terror, quarterback and line play is at an all-time low, players now get penalized for innocuous celebrations as much as Vontaze Burfect does for blatantly attempting to end careers, and it feels like there are about four good NFL teams and 28 pretty crappy ones.
Conversations with fellow D12 owners seem to echo this growing sense of decline in our enjoyment of football. Last year was an annoying year in the Dirty Dozen for everyone and feelings might still be raw from the great D12 message board war of 2015. Owners are tossing out some shady tradey’s, our players are getting injured (as always), suicide pools are spilling blood, the Broncos offense is Downy soft, and everyone has at least a couple things to be angry at when they sit down and watch NFL and D12 football every weekend. We are all very skilled at bitching and complaining about football so I’m going to have all the D12 goth kids meet at the Kum n’ Go at the corner so we can smoke cigarettes and whine about how much fantasy football hates us.
Kevin: Crap on my lap. So where should we start with Petty? We could really take up an entire weekly recap on all that’s gone wrong for Petty this year. Losing Keenan Allen was a bad omen, as was watching Russell Wilson, Jared Cook, Donte Moncrief, and Ameer Abdullah all get beat up from the feet up early and often.
The Peppel’s: They are either the worst talent evaluators on the planet or they went into full depression mode after week 5. That’s the only way I can justify their trade acceptance that made zero sense on any level besides wanting to suicide bomb this league. It’s going to be really hard but they can fantasize about poking the playoff bubble if they play like they did last week. Granted, that would assume that Eli finally makes a decent throw or two every game and these receivers finally catch a pass and run into the endzone with the ball at some point this year. The Pep’s can probably afford no more than two losses the rest of the way so we’ll see if their trade stirs up some feelings in the Whacker locker room and these receivers and Eli turn the microwave up to high and start cooking this frozen burrito before it goes bad.
Jordan: Cam Newton has gone from our league MVP to the third highest ranked QB on Jordan’s roster. Granted, Jordan's got some decent backups but it’s safe to say this season has been a nightmare scenario for Jordan Marvel, Newton, and the Camthers. It would be pretty annoying to run into closed doors all day long but that’s how Gurley and Anderson feel when they get handed a football 15-20 times every Sunday. Julian Edleman has been the receiver everyone else is really thankful they didn’t draft and when your top QB, RB’s, and WR all look like Austin Powers trying to get out of their own way, you have to wonder if Jordan will be stuck in last place before too long.
Chris Marvel: It was bad enough when John Kuhn was stealing goal line carries from Ingram but watching the Saints hand off to Colby goddamn Fleener instead of Ingram last week must’ve sent profanities flying in the Ch. Marvel living room. The Ignore Ingram plan aside, it does seem like everyone but Aaron Rodgers is playing relatively well for this team. It started out as a little funny joke where Rodgers told us to relax but it’s a full blown, real life problem now. You can blame the scheme, the receivers, or Olivia Munn, but honestly it’s time to point the foam finger at Rodgers himself, who is missing throws and making some weird decisions. We probably all know that Rodgers hasn’t been playing up to snuff lately but when your stud QB is getting owned by Brian Hoyer, that should send the panic sweat pouring down Chris’s forehead like Josh Gordon at a drug test.
Mike Castillo: It would be disrespectful to the Points Against Gods to complain after a victory in which your team scored 60 points but Castillo is elite at bitching about things so this ungrateful hate will be no problem. The talent on this team justifies the 4-2 record but the fact that he’s 10th in Points Scored justifies slapping a FRAUD label on this roster. Points Scored is something that can vary widely from week to week but one thing that has remained consistent is the lack of points from the D/ST and Kicker on this team, which is still an issue. I don’t know what can be done about this besides playing matchups and hoping the projections hold true. It’s tough to trust shitty players to play well against shittier opponents and this is a strategy that can go off the rails in a hurry, I know from experience. Whatever goes wrong for Castillo this season can probably be traced back to the fact that he carried Ryan Fitzpatrick on his roster for an extended period of time.
Coran Marvstone: They say it isn’t decent of a man to dance on another man’s grave so we’ll see if Corey’s weekly foxtrot on Zach’s grave will haunt him come playoff time, where Zach Suer’s ghost may return for some vengeance. Corey is another owner that should keep the bitching holstered as his Sunday morning roulette spin landed on 32.7, which is the amount of points Jay Fucking Ajayi got these hosers to help them defeat the commish. It was nice to see OBJ get back to his playmaking ways but it’s really difficult to cheer for the dude even when he makes incredible plays because he follows them up with some Kanye West level nonsense afterwards. The Steelers love to have at least one horrible performance on the road every year and of course Big Ben would get hurt, the Steelers would implode, and many suicide pools would be decimated. Now these co-owners must turn to their $100 man in Trevor Siemian to rack up some points, which should scare the semen out of these two based on the yogurt slinging we witnessed in the Whale’s Vagina last Thursday night.
Dave Cress: It’s hard to think of a bigger wide receiver that plays like a bigger pussy than Demaryius Thomas. Between the drops and fumbles, you have to wonder if he’s a punter stuck in a linebacker’s body or if he’s worried about that fragile hip all the damn time. Lamar Miller finally broke out but he did so against one of the absolute worst defenses in the league, so we’ll see if the Texans decide to step up against anyone remotely good this season and if Miller’s numbers will follow. For fuck’s sake, stop putting Houston and the Colts on primetime television, they play some horrible football. Dez Bryant claims that he’s playing next week, which will stop the clock on his inactive time and immediately start the countdown on when he’ll get injured again, which should be in the second quarter of the next game or whenever he tries to make vegetable soup again.
J.P. diZererga: Why is Matt Ryan this good all of a sudden? You don’t see too many QB’s take the leap in their 9th season, which is why people are still not entirely on board with his #1 status in fantasy football. If this team had one shred of production outside of the hashes they would easily be our top team but Brandon Marshall and Jeremy Maclin have the unfortunate coincidence of playing for NFL teams that employ putt-putt windmills as quarterbacks. The three headed ground goblin is a frightening sight for any opponent and this team might have to keep running through brick walls on the ground in order to scale the regular season championship wall this year.
Dan Burke: Dan let us give him a swirly, let us fake kidnap him and toss him in the trunk of a car all night, and has let us duct tape his entire body for an extended period of time. All three of these events probably took place within a two-month window during the Ouray Ct. College years, which means we’ve barely scratched the surface on humiliating moments Dan allowed us to dictate. Dan is really good at making instantly regrettable decisions so he’s probably not all that surprised to watch David Johnson run like a wild stallion all year after Dan kept Johnson and then traded him away before the draft. Dan does laugh off all of the dumb moves he made so he’s probably not all that upset being that he’s our top team in the standings thanks largely to Amari Cooper, who he was able to draft thanks to the David Johnson trade. This is the anti-diZerega team with lots of great numbers from his receivers to go with a lot of awful performances from the backfield. If Dan can continue to grind out games with his top D/ST and Kicker, he’s probably going to be laughing to the bank at some point but it could all go downhill in an instant like it did at Zydeco’s many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, Danny, Danny, Danny, many, many , many nights.
Now that we’ve gotten the negativity out of our system, let’s all take our glasses that are half empty and cheers to the fact that football is still a lot of fun to follow and D12 football is a lot of stupidity that makes us want to drink for the good and (mostly) bad every Sunday.