Nerf Turbos vs, Dirk Diggler
There are certain people (my wife) that see something new and shiny, instantly fall in love with it, and then mostly forget all about it once said widget is obtained. There are more than a few items strewn around the DeFelice household that were deemed must have items by me or the wife one minute and became dust collectors soon thereafter. This is how I feel about my fantasy roster at the moment. I couldn’t swipe the debit card fast enough to purchase this collection of football players and now I want nothing to do with them. Torrey Smith can make big plays occasionally but if he’s not getting deep looks at all, he’s going to put up crappy totals just like he did on TNF with a one catch, 10 yard effort. Michael Floyd also wasn’t in the game plan much this week as he got one catch early and did absolutely nothing afterwards. Aaron Rodgers was the lone bright spot but if Montee Ball continues to get stuffed at the line while Brian Quick continues to get the most receiving points for this team, the supporting staff that the commish was so pleased with on draft night will be the reason he’s not in the playoffs for yet another season. It’s another uphill climb for the commish and based on the early holes he’s tried to dig himself out of the past three seasons, it won’t be long until we bury the commish yet again.
Dirk Diggler likes familiar faces in familiar places. Last week it was his butt buddy Matt Ryan that carried his team to victory and this week J.P. drunk dialed Antonio Gates on Sunday, told him how good he still looks, and asked him to join him for one more roll in the hay. And wouldn’t you know it, Antonio rekindled the fire that burned as hot as 1,000 suns. It’s not easy to play any offensive player against the Seahawks, especially an old and slow player like Gates but Antonio was boxing out defenders and making great grabs in the end zone. Gates’s 27.6 points was a vintage Antonio performance and the difference in week two for Dirk. J.P. had some dud games from Ryan, Gerhart, and Colston but he simply got more big time performances than Jerome did, which seems to have been the case since J.P. broke into this league. It was an uneven performance for diZerega but he has to be encouraged that DeMarco Murray is on fire to start the year and he’s the owner of a 2-0 fantasy football team right now. Antonio is looking so two thousand and eight and the commish is so two thousand and late. J.P.'s got that boom boom pow and I want to kill myself for intertwining two Black Eye Peas lyrics into this recap.
Ambiguously Gay Duo vs. Foles Gold
The days leading up to their week two matchup went about as bad as it could possibly go for Michael and Brian. First, they received their last place punishment from Zach and will have to be known as Ace and Gary up until the day they don’t finish last in our league. Then, out of the blue, the Pep’s first round pick and perennial MVP candidate gets busted for smacking his little son like he’s Seabiscuit down the home stretch. Once Ace and Gary decided to roll with Jake Locker over Jay Cutler due to the questionable status of the Bears receivers, it looked as if a loss was inevitable. But in a rare shift in fantasy luck, the fantasy gods showed mercy on Ace and Gary and graced them with a couple of top player performances and a less than difficult fantasy opponent. Ace and Gary went up against Corey and Dan who were coming off an impressive 136 point game but ended up scoring 70 points less than that amount in week two. The Pep’s got nice games from Gio Bernard and Jordy Nelson and somehow they were able to get a pretty easy win without some major players. Peterson’s status will be monitored throughout the season and they will pray that there are no other kids out there that have been disciplined by #28 on the Vikings to come out of the woodwork.
Corey and Dan are not ambiguous about their gay love for each other; they are rather obvious about it. I probably won’t get many things right in my draft grade recap but I did predict a very up and down ride for this team and in two weeks they have proven that to be true. If last week was the peak of what this team is capable of, week two was the exact opposite of that. Foles Gold had a rough outing, which happens every once in a while to every team but A.J. Green’s injury might be of greater concern because if that lingers for most of the year, it could be a lot of game time decision headaches and holding of breath when he limps to the sideline. Megatron had 8.3 points, which is about as low as he can possibly go and along with Kendall Wright, these three receivers put up a total of 11.4 points. That can’t happen if this team wants to win because the Andre Ellington-C.J. Spiller combo is probably not good enough and consistent enough to compensate. Corey and Dan will have to take their lumps and admit they got manhandled by a couple of gay fags and hope the outcome is different when these four hot and horny males get together for an orgy again in week 13.
Ahwatukee Drunk Cactusman vs. Denver Donkey Punches
Dave knew his work would be cut out for him as he faced off against our defending champ but he had a real chance of getting the win as the Sunday night game kicked off. Dave was probably kicking himself for not starting Cam Newton and his 21.1 points but that wasn’t a huge mistake and with Kaepernick starting against the Bears with a new stadium to open, the odds were good that Colin would deliver. Instead, Colin's deliveries were like that of Ace Ventura at the beginning of his movie where he would aimlessly chuck packages into the air with shattering consequences. Kaepernick was a turnover factory on Sunday night and his 14.4 points had Harbaugh and Dave clinching their faces like they were trying to push out a late night Taco Bell run.
Dating back to last year, Zach Suer is a winner of fourteen straight fantasy games in this league and has scored more than 100 points in his last nine. Most of us are accustomed to dealing with injuries, suspensions, and poor performances on a weekly basis but Zach has been able to dodge all obstacles in terms of bad luck when it comes to his last 12 ½ months of fantasy football coaching. I’m not counting Prater’s suspension, Zach. Don’t come at me with that garbage. This team is on a roll unlike any we have ever witnessed in this league and they confidently went out and disposed of the Cactusman just like they have everyone else lately. Alf Morris finally got the ball around the goalline and made the most of it by pounding home two TD’s and a 20.5 game for Z. Matt Asiata is the only person happy with Peterson’s suspension and even though he’s got about 1/8 of the skill that Peterson has, he was able to post 14.4 points for Zach because everything Zach does turns to gold. The rest of his team didn’t play off the wall football but Peyton did connect with Julius Thomas yet again and the strong running game along with D12's #1 ranked QB and TE were enough for Zach to write another W on his whiteboard in the coaches office. This is a train that cannot be stopped and when you see Peyton, Julius, and the Donkey Punches blast into your living room, you better not be standing on the track when the train comes through, butthead.
Ray’s Elevator Service vs. Demaryius Targaryen
Kevin is going to have a very different looking team the next time he puts together a starting lineup and by the looks of his week two performance, he won’t shed a tear watching these guys board a plane to Fanningland. Brees had another pedestrian game and for as great of a QB that Drew is, he definitely isn’t his same dominant self outdoors. Normally an owner would put on a pouty face if his running back was carted off the field but being that Kevin probably expected to see that at some point with Ryan Matthews, Petty probably wasn’t all that bent once Matthews was carted off the field. Especially since he too will not be wearing the Petty uniform in week three or any other week for that matter. Kevin’s receivers of Fitzgerald, Bowe, and Nicks have certainly had great seasons and great games but relying on anything more than 7 points from any of these guys now is asking for too much, sadly. I could say that this team will have to bounce back to regain Kevin’s trust but being that 1/3 of the starting lineup will be gone next week, I have no idea what the future holds for this squad.
Jordan was coming off a less than encouraging week one performance and even though he didn’t set the world ablaze, he did enough to even his wins and losses at one apiece. Jordan spent an early pick on the Seahawks D/ST and you would think that D would be in the starting lineup every week no matter what but yet Jordan decided to send them to the bench this week and replaced them with a team called EMPTY. When I saw Jordan’s coaching move, it brought back the wise and whiskey filled words of Harry Doyle when he once said, “Well he's gonna walk Beck to pitch to Parkman. Obviously Taylor's thinking... I don't know WHAT the hell he's thinking.” There’s really no reason for any sane Seahwaks D/ST owner to do this and yet Jordan got the last laugh when the Seahawks got legitimately beat by the Chargers and the D/ST put up a very uncharacteristic -2 points. Jordan, if you predicted a negative outing from the Seahawks and acted accordingly, I think you should hop on the next 737 to Las Vegas and start laying some serious dough on the week three games. I’ll await Jordan’s response to see if that was his plan all along or merely a Sunday morning hangover mistake with the mouse. Jordan is due some credit for benching Doug Martin once he was deemed out for the game and inserting Mark Ingram who finally looks like the Heisman running back we expected to see. Of course Ingram owners were able to celebrate for about 14 hours until they heard news that Ingram is injured again. Jordan also made a move to replace the injured Cameron Jordan so I just have to trust that Jordan knows exactly what the hell he’s doing on Sunday morning and looking at the combined four points he got from his bench this week, Jordan better hope he doesn’t have to make many more game time decisions that require anyone else to play besides his current starting lineup.
I’m Your Huckelberry vs. That’s My Forte
Ever since we started playing this fake game of football, the concept of grabbing a stud RB early in the draft has been drilled into our brains more than the fear of running stairs if you fucked up during one of Tom Dowd’s practices. Based on the early returns, or lack thereof for our first round running backs, the concept of jumping on one early might fade away like a Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf jumper. Jamaal Charles has had one brutal season ending injury before and when he left the game on Sunday with an ankle sprain, Castillo was also feeling the pain. Getting 1.2 points out of Charles was also a game changer and practically prevented Castillo from making any sort of late game push to defeat Meyer. Randall Cobb got into the action on Sunday afternoon and Andrew Luck put up a respectable 24.8 points on Monday night but the loss of Charles was too much to bear and now Castillo will have to hope that his ankle sprain is a relatively mild one and that he can find a suitable replacement while Charles recovers.
Last year JGM3 had two decent QB’s but always seemed to start the wrong one no matter what. Jeff had a choice between Rivers vs. the Seahawks or Dalton vs. the Falcons when he set his roster on Sunday morning and again Meyer went the wrong way. Meyer likely made the smart choice with Dalton but once again got burned when Andy lost his main man in Green and Rivers played spectacularly against the Seahawks. If there is a silver lining to all of this for Jeff it’s the fact that Rivers might have full grasp of the McCoy offense and will become a dependable fantasy quarterback for Meyer moving forward. Meyer rolled the dice a bit by starting Brandon Marshall but our crazy old friend played through his pain and hauled in three touchdown passes to lock up the win for Granger. The Cards D looked strong but if Jeff is to sustain his undefeated status, he’s going to need to see a lot more from his starting running backs, who have disappointed so far.
Graham’s Crackers vs. Westminster White Devils
I don’t know if this is how Chris rehearsed it but he’s been flipping the double bird at opponents this year by starting two Eagles running backs so far. It’s paid off better than anyone could’ve predicted as Sproles has been off the charts good so far in his new uniform while McCoy does his usual thing alongside. These two combined for 40 points on Monday night and ran up the score on Fanning to beat him by more points than Fanning’s team scored. Chris made another wise coaching move by sticking with the Pats D in week two and watching them decimate the Adrian-less Vikings for 30 fantasy points. Mike Wallace looks good again, Jimmy Graham is doing his usual touchdown scoring, and Stafford didn’t make a bunch of dumb throws on Sunday so there’s a very obvious reason why this team is ranked #1 in the power rankings. That reason is because Chris is making all the right moves with the headset and laminated sheet while his players are buying into the Marvel way and scoring more than Denny Neagle on Colfax.
Fanning has so far earned -5 points from his D/ST this year, which would be nice if he was Rory McIlroy and not a fantasy football team on Sunday afternoon. The D wasn’t the only problem for our lowest scoring week two team as Romo again looked out of whack, Garcon wasn’t getting looks no matter who the Redskin quarterback was, and Gronk didn’t get invited to the points party for New England this week. At least Arian Foster is getting the ball plenty so far this season and the more touches a player can get against the Raiders, more fantasy points are destined to be scored. It was a week to forget for Fanning and as we scan the standings I can’t think of two teams in more of a need to reshuffle the deck than Fanning and Petty’s teams. I like that they recognized this early and weren’t afraid to make a bold move to correct this, which should be congratulated. It will be very interesting to see how their trade pans out but at the very least Fanning won’t have to play the same team that put up 65.5 points like they did this week. Also, based on his recent D/ST picks, Fanning should've asked for the Panthers D in the trade as well or he should just go with the Jordan Marvel approach and leave that spot blank in week 3.
Other happenings:
The Rams from Fort Collins took care of business on Saturday and even though they beat up on a FCS team, those automatic victories weren’t set in stone as recent as two years ago. It’s a small step to be sure but at least us Ram fans don’t have to sweat a humiliating defeat to a team filled with white dudes. The Buffs played an actual in conference opponent and couldn’t get the job done even with those murdered out black helmets that only Jay-Z would like. At least they covered. There’s really no reason for me to recap the Broncos game because we all watch every down pretty much and we all hear and read everybody’s reactions afterwards so I don’t need to lament on the stupid defensive penalties or the third down ineptitude. They're 2-0 and mostly healthy. It will be very interesting to see how this team plays on the road against a pissed off Seahawks team. They obviously better clean their act up between now and Sunday, too.
I have to imagine everyone here has been grinded down to a nub with all this negative football news over the past 10 days. Again, no need for my long opinion on any of it but I will say that I’ve come out of this hating blowhards almost as much as I do the thugs that are smacking women and children. So many hot takes from a stable of high horses coming at us left and right. Normal people know not to smack a woman or whip a four year old, we don't need TV personalities and random twitter people to drive that home. I truly believe people wait for shit to go down just so they can whip up some over the top fake outrage about where we are as a society. Adam Schefter is the absolute worst. I appreciate his football news but I had to unfollow him on twitter because once a day he’s good for a blowhard tweet such as this:
One more piping red hot Denver sports take before we part ways. I hate Phil Simms the announcer more than I hate Phil Simms the Giants quarterback but Jesus Christ do Denver fans come off as whiny bitches when we sign a petition because he’s being a big fat meanie on the air.
Well, I hope we all enjoyed the darkest, most depressing week of football we’ve experienced since we started this league. Have yourself a week, Goodell, sweet Jesus. Hopefully this recap wasn’t bad enough for you all to call for my immediate resignation and don't forget to Hide Yo everything in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.